DB / Detach- Will we ever piece it together

[LITB]

Did,

You have been given a road map with all the advice provided to you. You are way too available to your W, and seem to have difficulty following advice.

Get off the cycle. I can tell you that some success stories come from those who listen. The more you listen, the more people will give you advice. The less you listen.....well, you get the picture.

[Did]

I’m listening. Not sure the outcome will be what we hope but it is what it is. W sent me pic of her and D4 dinner said I should of invited you for dinner. No response. Wanted to say butyou didn’t - pointless. Another text later saying her favorite doll!! As in it was left at my house. No response.

W is taking test to start working next Thursday.

[SteveLW]

I’m listening. Not sure the outcome will be what we hope but it is what it is.

If you really want to DB well (and you are showing signs of doing that), then you will drop all expectations related to outcome. DBing is not outcome based, this is why so many get tripped up with it. It is activity based. GAL. 180ing. Detaching.

The outcome will be whatever the outcome is. The key to DBing is to have no expectations. Expectations make you step away from GAL, 180ing, and detaching. Expectations will make you do the wrong things. Expectations will cause you to do things when the right action is no action.

Just like your voluntary support. I guarantee you, if you get to the why you did it? It was an expectation. An expectation that if I agree to do this and do this for her, there will be a positive outcome for me down the line.

Sorry, I know I said I would stop commenting on your sitch Did, but I can't quit you!

[Davide]

Steve,

You are just like Did is with his wife. You keep saying you are going to walk away and detach but he keeps sucking you back in again!

Did,

Good to hear that you are becoming less responsive to her. The trick is keeping that up consistently.

What are you doing for yourself? How is your GAL going?

[Did]

Steve - Thanks for coming back. What can I say Im addictive.

W texts me this morning- so back to ignoring me again? I respond sorry I have the doll. Maybe I should have said I just see no reason to talk about anything other than D4 at this point.

Then she facetimes for me to talk to D4. Brief conversation. Im usually working from home in the mornings which she knows. In our marriage I had D4 in the morning and W would go back to sleep... cosleeping D4 nursing overnight... whole mess of other issues.

I continue to recognize more mistakes that led to downfall of M, lack of connection / intimacy. I read something about the 2-3 minutes directly after sex are the most intimate times. Obvious... but W and I used to wash up right after, using condoms after D4 was born...
I hope I get the chance to do it over again but working on those expectations... Realistically I do not expect to. W has so far to go and I dont think she agrees with me there... the M, R, family is not her priority. It is D4 and work maybe her 1-2 girlfriends in there for some social time. She is cold and walled up around me, doesnt show the soft feminine side of the girl I loved, so no room for intimacy or connection. In my mind its over, Im continuing to detach and will continue to DB.

Davide nice to hear from you.

For GAL I have gotten into playing lacrosse which Im passionate about and love. Hard on the body at times but we only live once, right? I have an alumni game next Fri, a tournament in Syracuse with a national team later in September, a tournament in Hawaii in October and may go to professional tryout / training camp in December.

I have been hired to work with a start up for a new business doing recruiting consulting for lacrosse. I have been in the working out a lot. I do therapy every 2 weeks.

I would like to connect with more men but haven't gone out much with guys. It's just not a priority for most of my friends who are engaged or starting families... just a different life stage. I have hung out a couple times with some dads of the kids I coach who are older than me and that's been enjoyable. I'd like to do it more but schedules and availability with families is tough. During lacrosse the guys are great and it's fun just to be a part of the group / team.

Plus D4 50% of the time so time is limited.

[Did]

Stopped by W house after picking up D4. Showered there in D4 room. Ended up snooping a bit... weak... but saw a journal W started with just a few notes. Not sure how old it was but it said something like Wasted so much time on OM2 not a priority! Then a couple items. She wants to be happy (i dont think she is). She wants to be understood (she almost never is). And one other item I forget.... then the bomb... Unavailable - what I am attracted to.

So yea that being too available thing and DB... probably should have been doing that a little better. So just to rub it in my face- you told me so.

Now it seems like it may all be too late. But I am being short / not responding. I played with D4 and enjoyed it barely spoke to W.

[Did]

An hour after leaving W she texted me When you go to the store will you get me some strawberries. You ate my big ripe ones and I was left with the half unripened sour sh*ts. I assume this was her attempt to make conversation as I may have joked around with her in the past. I was busy coaching and responded 3 hours later.

I think I am too cold and have a hard time being unavailable, DB and feel like Im too into her or just cold and act like I dont care about her. Reading over Sandis rules now.

I didnt say bye to her D4 ran down to hug me and take some things I brought in from the car for her... W was on her phone the whole time I was there for the most part as I played with D4. We talked months ago about not being on our phones around each other much because it gives us stress / anxiety...

She is attracted to guys that are unavailable makes me think of her as some teenager but I know its human. I just may be unavailable to her after all.

[SteveLW]

People want what they can't have.

Also, you've been super available. So now you know for sure that the reason she's been temp checking you is the support.

[LITB]

Hey Did. I was digging around the archives for this analogy for you. You might have already read it, but it is worth reading again.

Hey all,

I've decided to post the picnic analogy again for all of the newcomers who don't know about it. I've typed it in my own words, but I believe it is pretty accurate. Comments, ideas, suggestions, changes, etc, are obviously welcome. Think Tanks are very helpful with things like this!



PICNIC ANALOGY:

Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their than come out.


Hope this helps some of you!

GD

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1833684&page=1

[SteveLW]

This is so good!! It reminds me of a screen saver from years ago that we used to put on WIndows PCs. It was called Johnny Castaway. When the screensaver would launch there would be a picture of an island, and Johnny Castaway, as a castaway on it.

Johnny usually moped about the island, looking forelorn, sad, lonely. He'd stand and look at the PC user. He'd wave, or walk to the other end of the island.

When Johnny was doing what he ALWAYS did, he was boring. You couldn't wait to move your mouse to get him off of your screen.

Every once in a while Johnny would get involved into something that might make his life better on the island. Whether it was fishing. Or trying to start a fire. Or getting a coconut from the lone tree on the island and trying to open it. When Johnny got involved in something like that he became interesting! His focus was no more on the fact that he was alone, on an island. The viewer would get sucked in and wonder "what is Johnny doing?" "Will he be successful?" "What will be the outcome?"

When you were interested to see what Johnny was doing you didn't dare move your mouse to make him go away! You were sucked in and interested again! Why? Because he was being proactive, he was doing unusual things, he was worried about himself and only himself and trying to better his life.

YOU are Johnny Castaway. She is the PC user. In order to keep her from moving her mouse to make you go away you need to stay busy (GAL). You need to do things you don't normally do (180). You need to ignore the PC user and go about your own business (detach).