Still awake since 2am. Three hours of sleep. I woke up for no reason. No trigger. But it has been happening more frequently since I started DBing. That being said, I'll happily take less sleep for a better me. Kept myself entertained while I was awake. Watched Netflix, tried to sit in the warm shower, and prayed/meditated. Didn't help me with sleep, but it is what it is.
W came back from her overnight wherever and she told me that she also didn't sleep well. Told it's funny how I knew she didn't sleep well (when i don't sleep well, she doesn't sleep well). Had a pleasant chat, wished them a great weekend and drove into work. Saw a gorgeous sunrise with light streaming through the clouds. Compared that scene to what we're going through. (The sun will rise after a long period of darkness and clouds, and you will see and feel the light and warmth. You just need to keep going).
Enjoy the trip. Create new memories. It is great to take a break from the sitch and get out the rut of daily life.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Enjoy the trip. Create new memories. It is great to take a break from the sitch and get out the rut of daily life.
This year has been many things. A rut is definitely not one of them. As painful 2018 has been so far, a lot of life changing events and experiences have occurred.
There is no conclusion to this relationship story yet so I say this with a lot of hesitation...but the separation from W may have saved my life. Given me a new life, actually.
Woke up early again, coincidentally in time for morning prayers. Got those done and now journaling.
I go home in a few hours and I don't want to. I know I have to though. W contacting me has been very meager. Yesterday I got a total of four text messages. I replied in total with four words. I'm thinking ahead to the upcoming week and weekend. I have nothing planned as of this time. Maybe it will be housework, but I do know that I need to get out of the house. I want to have another weekend in which I don't burst into tears.
Progress has been achingly slow. I question constantly whether it is progress in regards to R. The longing and hoping is there, but I have very little to build on in terms of it.
I'm constantly reading the Detachment thread so that I can continue to work on it as I feel it's very difficult. Whether it's been 49 days or 130, the process has been crawling. I'm still thinking of W and OM. I'm thinking of her going to the con with her friend and I get bothered by the thought that she will introduce OM to her friend there, hence the reason why she can't go with my D4 and me. I question whether her suggestion of me flying down to my family for Thanksgiving is her plotting to introduce OM to her family. I don't know. It swarms my mind and it's hurting me.
What I can say is that the last 49 days there have been no arguments or heated discussions of our sitch. DBing is now a conscious thought and action process. The clarity of this process is becoming sharper by the day. GAL is taking the lead of this process. 180 is second.
I'm still haunted by the events three weeks ago. I'm kicking myself for snooping. I should have known better. The snooping set me way back in terms of my emotional healing. It triggered a depression that I never thought I would have to encounter again. I keep asking myself if I will ever fall in love again. I long for intimacy and the lack of it hurts immensely.
I know I'm a lot more confident in who I am as a person and I'm carrying myself as such. I feel like a battle-worn solder who is living to fight another day. Morale goes up and down constantly and that wears me out.
Saw myself in the mirror and noticing the changes in my body. Good changes. I'm continuing the process of loving my body again and treating it the way it deserves.
Hang in there it’s a challenge. I have been back and forth in 5 months but the last month has been a lot easier once you commit to detachment and GAL. It’s hard to move forward alone but I confide in friends and family who have had to move on as well and there is light at the end of the tunnel. They tell me they wish they had only moved forward sooner.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Hang in there Pain. One day at a time...one hour at a time...and sometimes 1 minute at a time.
I too know the pain of snooping. I was things that i wish to God i never saw at this point. I do my best to stay away from it at this point. I found the proof i needed and anything more at this point would be self inflicted torture.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
