Last night was really rough. He left without saying 1 word to me and that feels horrible. I also haven’t heard from him today which I hate. I just can’t even process the anger he has towards me. I feel like it’s just his way of justifying what he’s doing. Or he’s angry because he’s sad and he doesn’t know how to direct it properly so he’s putting ALL his pain and hurt into anger directed at me.
I’m really struggling today. I was feeling super confident yesterday afternoon, I think when he texts me, even if it’s on a tangent about my clothes like yesterday, it makes me feel better. When I don’t hear from him it feels awful. I took off work today and took the baby to my moms, just to have a day to myself and to decompress.
He can’t really think I believe his denial of this OW. So how can he feel like he has a reason to be upset WITH ME? He knows what he’s doing is wrong. I’m just really stuck on this OW and I know people say not to get hung up on that.
I do have a question. This will be the 2nd OW. Is that something the WS does? They don’t even necessarily stick with the first A, they can move on to another? Him and the 1st OW had a relationship, I could tell by the things I found. He would end it with her over and over when he became unsure and tried to make it work with me, and then he’d fall out with me and text her, etc. Now it seems he’s moved to another woman. Another bartender, same M.O. and he’s just denying it. But he’s SO ANGRY WITH ME. As if I’ve done something wrong and I haven’t.
I know everyone has said to let him sit with his anger, but I feel like he probably leaves here and just goes off and enjoy some himself, out of site out of mind. It’s like I’m just the bad guy and I don’t know how. It is definitely a 180 to not try to make it right with him, but I’m going to lose it if we sit down next week to discuss divorce and he is still behaving this angry towards me.
Last edited by job; 09/13/1807:02 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
I read all the people here in newcomers struggling and I hate it. I guess it brings back memories of not long ago... I am still struggling at times.
There are so many of us here, that have been around for long that want to share our experience of what worked or didnt work in our cases. We talk about it and it seems we all feel we dont want to dicourage newcomers and hold back PLUS that we know that people wont "take advice in" until they are ready. But what we have to say, or at least what I have to say, is not meant to discourage anyone. I only want to help. A few things that I want to say to many of you are :
99% of the cases there is another person involved, PA/EA or both
99% of them follow the same patterns :distance, withdrawal, crazy behavior, anger, blow up, bomb. In most cases, although LBS's do have the 50% of the responsibility, the nusty side of them that appears has nothing to do with the LBS
Stop enabling your partners to keep cake eating. It shows little self respect and puts you in the vitims role:NOT attractive and definitely not effective
Stop consuming your thoughts and lives about what they are doing and with whome every single moment of the day. All those moments are WASTED from YOUR LIFE while they keep doing what pleases them
Stop stretching YOUR boundaries to accommodate them, they will "ask for more"
Stop worrying that a phrase, a phonecall, a look, could be something that can change your life, it can not, it is not that easy
Have some faith that things will turn out the way they are supposed to and in the meantime, LIVE your life as you are supposed to,
Alisuddenly asked me to add :it is... apart from extreme behaviour (being mean, unkind, unwelcoming, meeting someone else... ) there is VERY LITTLE, of nothing, you can do that will make them come back before they are ready, IF they are thinking of coming back that is,
and as my friend John210 says :one person can not destroy your life, believe that no matter how intense the pain is
Dont think you "know them". You are dealing with a different person so expect anything
When they will start thinking if they made the right choice, you will know. No need wondering. You will know, something shifts, you will get the "feeling"
Reconciling is VERY hard and you only have chances to succeed if they have had the time they needed to think things thru in their heads, so...be patient and make sure the time is right
Do follow Michelle's advice for 180's, improvement and self aware. Do use the time to start feeling good about who you are, reinvent yourself
Once you start feeling better, dont let them suck you back in...unless they SHOW you they mean they want to do their part of the work...
Some friends of mine said they will chime in... I hope they will. K
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I do have a question. This will be the 2nd OW. Is that something the WS does? They don’t even necessarily stick with the first A, they can move on to another? Him and the 1st OW had a relationship, I could tell by the things I found. He would end it with her over and over when he became unsure and tried to make it work with me, and then he’d fall out with me and text her, etc. Now it seems he’s moved to another woman. Another bartender, same M.O. and he’s just denying it. But he’s SO ANGRY WITH ME. As if I’ve done something wrong and I haven’t.
Yes, waywards will jump from OP to OP. When my wife's first EA ended, she immediately went on the prowl for another one. This is why we tell posters it isn't about the OP!! The AP is immaterial. And confronting them, contacting their LBS, etc does nothing to help your sitch.
Please read what LITB copied. As I told you the other day, your problem is that you are trying to think and deal with him as if he was the man you married. He isn't. And may never be ever again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Actually, you need to convince yourself that you DON'T want to hear from him. When you hear from him he projects on to you with accusations of cheating. When you hear from him he is angry and bitter towards you. When you hear from him he insinuates that you don't need him (IE doing things around the house). He insinuates that you are trying to keep him from his D.
In general, he is a miserable, lying jerk. On top of it he is sleeping with someone else!
Seriously, why do you want to hear from him? Take a step back from your sitch, how he is treating you, and ask yourself, "if I were a friend of mine, what would I say to them about this? what would I tell them to do? what would I think of them of they were freaking out because it's been 14 hours and they haven't heard from the miserable, lying jerk?"
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I do keep telling myself that Steve, just hard I guess.
He sent me a text that said he might not be off until 6-7 tonight. I didn’t see the text and he texted again 15 mins later saying “ok then ttyl”, since I hadn’t responded. I didn’t see either text until like 10 mins later and I responded saying ok,thanks for heads up
He makes it impossible. I don’t respond in 15 mins and he has to send a rude text. I’m glad I didn’t see it. He can wait.
I do keep telling myself that Steve, just hard I guess.
He sent me a text that said he won't be leaving the bar until 6-7. I didn’t see the text and he texted again 15 mins later saying “ok then ttyl”, since I hadn’t responded. I didn’t see either text until like 10 mins later and I responded saying ok,thanks for heads up
He makes it impossible. I don’t respond in 15 mins and he has to send a rude text. I’m glad I didn’t see it. He can wait.
I deciphered it for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m sure you’re right. He responded to me unnecessarily and said “my pleasure”, being a smart a*s. This is seriously a whole new level of anger for him. I can’t believe he’s been acting this way for 3 days now. I’m obviously not responding but I just don’t get it
I do feel like he’s lying to me, about 30 minutes before he sent the text the dog was barking and I looked out back and he was walking back there, grabbing some tools. But to be clear, I should not drive by the bar or anywhere later in order to catch him in a lie correct? All it’s going to do is make me really angry and call him out and I don’t know that that’s what I want to be doing.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
