I do feel like he’s lying to me, about 30 minutes before he sent the text the dog was barking and I looked out back and he was walking back there, grabbing some tools. But to be clear, I should not drive by the bar or anywhere later in order to catch him in a lie correct? All it’s going to do is make me really angry and call him out and I don’t know that that’s what I want to be doing.
Snooping will hurt you more than help you. Did you get the books yet?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m sure you’re right. He responded to me unnecessarily and said “my pleasure”, being a smart a*s. This is seriously a whole new level of anger for him. I can’t believe he’s been acting this way for 3 days now. I’m obviously not responding but I just don’t get it
Passive-aggressive behavior. Another toxic relationship symptom.
kech, let me ask you. If you can take a step back (and I know it's hard, believe me), and see this happening, ask yourself, "Is this the man I fell in love with at the start? Was THIS a trait I was attracted to?" I would assume that you would say "No. I would not even touch that crazy with a 10 foot pole!"
That being said, I know that you're thinking "The true/loving H is still there, buried under all of that." and that may be true. However (again speaking from experience), he has changed. And right now, he's going through a TON of changes while he is in his (thick) fog. Who knows where he will end up once it's lifted? That's not for you to work on, kech.
You need to continue through this painful detox. By GAL, by detaching, by 180s, by working on being the best damn kech you can be. I know it's hard. I'm speaking from experience. And you will stumble and revert back to old habits. But you get up, get some tough love from the folks here, and you keep going.
We're stronger than we think, kech. Hard to never forget that.
Thanks so much pain, I really am trying and I am sticking to db, I just don’t really have people to discuss this with bc I do not want to involve friends and family, so I come here.
Steve, thanks for that reminder, NO snooping. I will stick to that, take the long way and not go by the bars. I haven’t in a few days, knowing he’s seeing someone at one of them and most likely with her at both, it really makes me far too upset to go by. He has absolutely no idea what he’s done to me. He’s making this all about him, about his anger, about how upset HE is. I just wish I could understand his reasoning behind that. What he’s trying to accomplish by it. I know most people have said that him being angry is actually a good thing, it just seems like it adds such a new layer of misery on top of an already heart breaking situation for me. He’s just going to continue associating ME with negative feelings, when just a few days ago he was feeling positive towards me and all that. It’s just hard to understand
I found out about OW via Facebook, and today is Day 2 of me not getting on there at all. Also say 2 of me taking different roads as to not see his truck at her bar. It is doing me no good to continue doing things that cause me SUCH anxiety and hurt. I do see that now. I felt before like I needed to know things to protect myself, but at this point I know enough.
I keep going over and over in my head his anger and why it is so profound. I can’t think of the last time he behaved this angry towards me except back a year ago a few days after BD, and then maybe in between after fights but it never lasted days like this. He’s going out of his way to be rude. Is this his attempt at trying to bait me? I know yesterday ready2change said I still have him on the hook because he clearly seems concerned with what I’m wearing and if I’m seeing someone etc, but I just can’t place the anger. I know you guys want me to stop focusing on him, I guess I just wish I knew how long this anger will last and if he will really go through with our divorce discussion in a few days while he is still treating me this way. It seems very unfair, although I know all of this is unfair.
I want to detach, and I’m reading the link LITB sent. I want to DB fully, I am doing everything you guys suggest. I’m just writing on here and trying to mentally figure it all out I guess. I always try to figure out his reasoning for things bc it seems like he’s always one step ahead, behaving certain ways or doing certain things for a reason. He finally had his guard down last week, things finally felt like they were going in the right direction for the first time in a long time. Divorce wasn’t discussed, he was feeling remorse, he was making a big effort to be around. Then I find out about OW and it all blows up. Now he’s put divorce back on the table, he won’t soeak 2 words to me. It makes no sense to me.
I’m not showing him my fear for divorce, I’m not backtracking and doing anything against DBing. I guess I just would like to know in all of yalls experience on these boards, when reading about a spouse like mine, is there ever an outcome when they DO come out don the fog? Can I get him back to where he was just a few days ago by ignoring all this anger he is so clearly showing me? I’m not being cold to him, I’m being polite, I’m ignoring his anger, I’m trying to stay upbeat in his presence, and last night he leaves without so much as a bye and basically slams the door.
He wants to help around the house bc he wants me to need him still. He throws divorce at me bc he wants me to tell him that’s not what I want, so he can tell me sorry, too little too late. He wants to show me this anger so that I ask what the hell the deal is and he can tell me I’ve upset him and what IVE done wrong. I’m not giving him ANY of those reactions he wants or expects so his anger is building, it’s clouding his judgement, and he’s just going to possibly going into a divorce like that which is absurd. His maturity level is off the charts immature right now.
Steve, I may have asked you this previously, but how long did it take you DBing for your wife to want to work on things? I know I’ll have to DB for a very long time, I’m ready to do that. I can be patient if he’s willing to give me more time. I will continue doing these things in order to save myself and hopefully my marriage. I just don’t think he’s as strong as me. I think he sees it as a year has passed and we haven’t fixed things so it’s time to cut the marriage ties. But he doesn’t even realize that he has yet to truly put any work into this. Lots of “sorry” “I should have handled this so differently from the beginning” “it’s all my fault I never should have entertained another woman” all when he’s feeling remorse, but never really much action for more than a few days.
The moment I started DBing about 3 weeks ago and getting advice from you guys, I saw a big change in a matter of a week and a half to 2 weeks. And I can’t help but feel like me finding out about OW and calling him on it just really ruined it all. But common sense tells me I had no choice. I would have exploded keeping that in, and when I did bring it to his attention I handled it VERY well. His anger is misplaced and hurtful. I have never in our entire relationship let anger go on this long, we would always have fixed it by now, discussed it, let it go, moved on, and I just feel like he’s hanging on to it for dear life to either really try to bait me or to really go through with the D and play like I’m the bad guy. But his anger REALLY picked up the minute I said I agreed to D and it was ok. So really, he’s all over the map.
1 more things! ALL THE TEXTS. Yes, I would rather be receiving texts from him than not, but what is with the rude texts if I don’t respond immediately?! What is with the unnecessary “my pleasure” smart a*s texts after I genuinely thank him for a heads up on times to see daughter. This is baiting correct? Because it’s extremely frustrating and definitely makes my stomach turn with anxiety every time his name pops up, like you said Steve.
But again, I’d rather him text angrily than not text at all. I just don’t understand why in this manner
I liken snooping to the temptation of touching the red-hot pot sitting on the stove. You know you shouldn't touch it. You know you're going to get burned doing it, and it's going to be extremely painful, but you do it anyway because it's there. And...OUCH. It hurts and hurts BAD.
Then, you learn to never touch the hot pot again. Or you may say, "I touched it for too long. If I don't touch it as long, it won't hurt as bad." So you touch it again, not as long, but you touch it nonetheless. And guess what? It still hurts! It may be worse!
You learn a little more after every time you touch the stove to not do it because all it will do is cause pain. Eventually you're not going to touch the hot pot, no matter what, because you know how much it will hurt if you do.
I liken snooping to that analogy.
Looking into phone records, text messages, eavesdropping on phone calls, all painful. All times in which we need to step away. We feel the heat and we get away from it. Not get drawn towards it.
...I think you’re prob right about embracing the D, but that seems so hard to do.....
I tell my kids that the easy path is the hard path and the hard path is the easy path.
2 kids took the "easy" path and didn't try hard in school. Didn't turn in homework...D's and F's and C's.That is the easy path
2 kids took the "hard" path. Did all the homework. Worked hard for A's. Disappointed with B's Did sports. Took honors classes.
Who is going to have an "easier" life? When will they "See" that dad gave them good advice.
Kech, Right now the HARD path is the right path for you. You have to face your BIGGEST FEARS. Embrace them. "Do not let fear control you" "Do not let H control you".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
He texted me and asked if 8 is too late tonight or if he should just come tomorrow. I KNOW and have known he has other plans for tonight, and instead of just saying that he wants me to tell him it’s too late so it can be on me. I told him 8 is fine. If he doesn’t come that can be on him, not on me. He thinks I believe his BS. He is busy tonight and refuses to admit that bc it is with OW.
I’m sure I will get a text later saying he’s running late and will just come tomorrow. He’s disgusting
