He texted me and asked if 8 is too late tonight or if he should just come tomorrow. I KNOW and have known he has other plans for tonight, and instead of just saying that he wants me to tell him it’s too late so it can be on me. I told him 8 is fine. If he doesn’t come that can be on him, not on me. He thinks I believe his BS. He is busy tonight and refuses to admit that bc it is with OW.
I’m sure I will get a text later saying he’s running late and will just come tomorrow. He’s disgusting
I'm mobile and can't answer your questions right now. But I did want to tell you to make sure you save all these text messages for custody court. That way he can't try to say that you kept him away from the baby.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Question to all my “detached” people out there. I’m going to try to fake it till I make it. With every text he sends, I will start to think to myself, if I were detached from him, how would I respond to this.
My answers keep coming up similar to if I didn’t care or was indifferent. Same with treating him like a cashier. I would probably be nice and say things like “no problem” or “maybe next time”, things like that bc I wouldn’t really be worried about it. I’m starting to think to just stick with responses like “ok” unless given a yes or no question like Steve says.
Since he is not speaking to me in person now, our only interaction opportunities are via his texts. So I would like to be certain I am getting those right and DBing bc that is our main way of communication
Remember! Only respond to text that have questions in them. And then in his few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. The fewer words you use the better off you are trust me on this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You asked me to weigh in, so I will add my 2 cents here. Please excuse my directness or any 2*4s. I see that you are getting a lot of advice here, so I am not sure how much help I can be. I am not sure if you read all of my threads, but my H also had an A and left our home for 10 months, I read here a lot then, but didn't post back then. I got better at DBing after some time, and he did end the A and return to the M. That was 3.5 years ago. It is still a challenge, and I am still working on forgiveness, and I do still wonder if our M can fully recover.
First off, I am very, very sorry for the sitch you are in, and it is much harder because you have a baby. In an ideal world, the baby would be your entire focus. The way he is behaving is deplorable and selfish! Please allow that to sink in as you long or him .... I didn't post during my post BD time (started posting 1 year into piecing) but your writing reminds me of how I felt way back then. You are panicked, spinning, and desperately grasping at straws! Please, please listen to the advice that this is not helping you, and you are slowly becoming your own worst enemy. No, this is NOT easy stuff. He will do and say all kinds of BS, so did my H, but ultimately you are in control of how much armor you put on. You may not feel that way, but you are. You get to decide how much you allow a man like that to hurt you.
You talk a lot about his cruelty and his anger. I think we have all faced this to some extent. It sounds like on some level you understand that this is HIS issue and not yours. Anger is a common reaction of the WS/WAS because it is much more convenient to blame you for anything and everything! This is a normal human protective mechanism. He can more easily justify his gross behavior is it's less his fault, right? We here understand that this is crazy, but a person trying to have an A and leave their W and baby, is not thinking so clearly. Do not give him any reason to balme you, you take that all away--no ammunition for him. You are pleasant and detached. The best way to deal with his anger, is to NOT DEAL WITH IT. Stop trying to make sense of it, because you cannot. Stop allowing it to upset you, because that gives him more power over you. Just try and accept that he is all kinds of wrong right now, and you focusing on that and HIM, will not offer you any relief. You will not be able to make sense of it and it will only make your head spin faster.
One thing I also wanted to touch on is the mind reading. You want to find meaning in his actions, his words, moods, texts, if he comes by, when he comes by, if or when he doesn't come by.... Honestly, it is exhausting just to read it all. This is more spinning and it's not serving you at all. It is just crazy making! You cannot know or understand why he is doing what he is doing, so giving this so much energy is more than a waste of time. It is self torture. You don't really know much about him and OW, so there is no point in assuming anything. You want to know what? In my sitch, I focused a lot on my H and his XOW and I did all that mindreading too. I tried to make sense of every interaction, conversation, and text message. I once saw MY car, with MY baby's carseat, parked near her place. Yes, I drove home that way by my choice. And I suffered greatly for it ....
You want to know what? My H has been back for awhile now and we have covered all the stuff. Of all the spinning and mind reading I did while he was gone, well it turns out I was only right about half the time. 50%. That is it. There was so much I didn't know was going on and going on in his mind. So think about it for a moment, all of your energy you are spending on HIM, and what he is doing, and on HER, etc, could very well be wrong. And if it is right? Well then what??? You feel terrible nonetheless. I am sorry, sweetie, but you cannot control him and you cannot change him. I promise you that. You know what you can control? 1. You and you being the better person in this equation! Rise above. It feels great. And it removes all his ability to blame you! Win-win for you.
You want to predict if he will come back and if men that have multiple As come back. Is 2 As worse than 1? Well I would say yes, absolutely. Others here say no, wayward is wayward. You see none of us can know because none of us can predict what your H will do. Here is what we do agree on. There is a lot of validity to the DB process, the teachings of MWD, and to following Sandi's rules. It may not feel natural, and it may "make him more angry" but it works. You know how it works? Because as you 180 and GAL for you (not for him or his attntion, please, move on from wearing shorts for him or texting for any reaction, that is complete nonsense) ... so as you begin to take care of YOU, and really do that over time, that is when the detachment starts. That is also when you start to see that saving yourself is FAR FAR more important than saving your M. Would the confident and strong kech really want a cheating dirtbag for an H??? ....
So the success of DBing, and finding your strength and confidence again, will happen 100% if you follow the rules and advice. If you can do this, and be patient, there is good chance that your H will see this new and improved woman and look over his shoulder. He may also realize that he was the fool to let go of you. Most As end a natural death in due time, that's just a statistic. But as others have said, you gotta put in that hard work FIRST. So start with a beginners mindset today.
Now that we have that settled, I am FAR more interested in hearing about your goals for yourself, your 180s, and your GAL. Also about your cute little baby. I am not interested in what H is doing and who that loser is banging. He doesn't deserve all of our time or attention anymore. He may come by, he may not, why even worry about it or text him at all. BE BUSY PUTTING #1 FIRST AND THAT IS YOU!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I am so happy you were able to read my sitch. And your response just made me cry. I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity, I’ve been reading your threads nonstop. Thank you so much for weighing in. My H just got here to spend time with baby so I am going to go through and read your response again and then respond. Thank you thank you!
I have read most of your threads and have been hoping to get your eyes on my sitch for a while now. I’m so glad I finally thought to write on one of yours. When I read your very first post I thought to myself, wow, this is my H. I don’t know if my H has as much of the nice guy syndrome, but he certainly felt like he was doing everything for everyone else and now was all of a sudden his turn to live for himself.
I think it’s a cop out. He’s 29 years old, he says he wants to do all these things for himself, but has shown only that his freetime will be spent in the bar with loser new friends and loser OW, who he denies.
I’ve read a lot in your sitch how you said when you were cordial is when your H missed you and when you were angry is when he would pull away. In fact, a random convo about the dog is what made him miss you most. When you started DBing, were you cordial off the bat? I honestly think I have been cordial for the most part throughout all of this. But I have definitely had my fair share of outbursts prior to DBing. The OW topic will really get me worked up.
I don’t know if you read how just a few days ago my H was seeming remorseful, wanting to be around a lot. Apologizing to me for how he handled everything, telling me how much he hates this and wishes he had done things differently. Then I found out about OW, called him out, and a light switch flipped. He’s been angry, awful, says he’s upset WITH ME. His life is so hard blah blah/ did you ever deal with this back and forth from your H?
My hardest thing is balancing between cordial, too nice, or too cold. Regardless of how he is behaving towards me, I try to be solid. I try to ignore him to him. So I come here and vent about his ridiculous misdirected anger.
I know he missed time tonight with D because he was with OW. That is beyond upsetting to me. And the fact that he thinks I don’t know is beyond upsetting. But I know I can’t call him out; it gets me nowhere. But it is unfair.
I’ve been working hard on 180s. Normally I would definitely try to discuss this anger with him, and I am not. Normally some nights I would stay home while he is here, and I have not been doing that at all. I’m going and doing things for myself each evening. Sometimes it’s frustrating to feel like I should leave, but it’s what I know I should do. And I was feeling like it made him miss me. But now that I know about OW and he’s complerely backed away from me, I do feel like all his needs are being met by her and he doesn’t miss me at all all of a sudden. Have you and your h discussed things like that? Did he feel like OW was all he needed at that time and he was glad to be away from you, even though he felt guilt?
It’s terrifying knowing he has someone else right there with him, building a connection. I know he looks at me and sees me as attractive and sees that I’ve really detached from him (in his eyes) and sometimes I think it has a big affect. But I’m sure as soon as he’s with her, having fun like he hasn’t with me in SO long, he’s prob feeling amazing. Out of site out of mind.
The people on this board have been amazing to me. I’ve been DBing for 3 weeks and I definitely noticed changes quickly. The OW def threw a wrench in it. I’m loving to be able to hear from you as a woman who has been there and had success.
H fell asleep on the couch with baby. After a while I went out there and woke him and said I’d put her in her crib. I did and noticed he continued layingon the couch. Which he doesn’t normally do. I began to turn off the lights and he was laying there so I said “want to see what I got for her?” He said sure so I showed him a cute pair of shoes I bought the baby.
No reaction, almost like it made him angry. I said “aren’t they cute?” Keeping upbeat, ignoring his rudeness. He nodded his head yes, got up. I told him he left his hat yesterday and pointed to it. Again, he said nothing. He started looking for something and I said “looking for something? The clams?” (He had 2 huge cans of clams for clam chowder from when he lived here and I noticed he took them out 2 days ago to clearly cook them with someone else, and forgot them....I said “I put them by the door”.
He picked them up and went to leave and I said cya.. like waiting for him to say it back like a normal human being. And he mumbled it and shut the door.
I can clearly do nothing right and I don’t care because he’s just searching for ways to be mad at me at this point. Blu, you stated to not give him ammunition. I am really trying not to, but clearly he is finding however he can to be angry with me. And will then go through with divorce clouded by anger when just a few days ago he was nowhere near divorce AT ALL.
I feel so strong sometimes and so weak sometimes. I screen shot your response so I can read it over and over when needed.
Kech, seems like your reliving every day. Reread what Blu sent you. Basically you need to quit dwelling on you WH. Hes wayward and is not thinking clearly. Don't let the little things bother you so much. Like when he acts angry or mumbles goodbye. He's messing with you. Trying to get a reaction or make you feel bad. And its working. Were you able to get a schedule? If not, I'd sit down and write one up, take a picture and text it to him. I know this dude is driving you crazy. But you can't let every little thing bother you. Just brush it off. I don't think hes man enough to do D right now . He acts like hes to busy. But dont push him. Back off on everything you do. Usually things calm down. As far as OW. Who cares. She's worthless and her day will come. For now, like everyone has said. Focus on you and the baby. Dont create unnecessary drama for yourself. Dont stoop down to that level. When hes around be nice and civil, dont be all sweet and act like nothing is wrong. Show him strength and that you're going to move forward with or without him. Hes lost his way and its going to be a while. But I'm telling you, that bar lifestyle is miserable and depressing. You don't need that in your home. If he was normal before, this life will get old. He will eventually get in trouble with it or keep being miserable. His choice. And consequences will follow. Including losing you! You didn't lose him, he is definitely losing you. His loss. Keep it up.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Thanks so much Lane, that made me feel so much better. I hope youre right about him being angry and treating me this way, he just wants a rise out of me.
Its getting really upsetting but I will try today to not focus so much on him. Thank you!
