Husband cheated, left, trying DB 3

[LITB]

Thanks Pain, seems like constant baiting. Whats the point of baiting anyway? Why do people do it?

He is temp-checking you. He can feel a shift and probably does it subconsciously.

[kech]

When you say a "shift" can you explain?

Thanks so much LITB, youve been amazing

[Phoenix9]

I suspect it's a way of him justifying his actions. He's thinking "I don't want to be with kech because of her issues and I'm going to confirm that by getting a negative reaction out of her. When she acts that way, it totally justifies me doing affair stuff."

You DBing totally messes up his script and he also loses control over you.

I'm trying to think of more stuff, but I can hardly think right now. Sorry.

[kech]

So since he hasnt been getting any negative reactions from me, he just keeps trying?

[LITB]

When you say a "shift" can you explain?

Thanks so much LITB, youve been amazing

You have started to work on improving on how you interact with him, and he can sense that there is a shift in you being less reactive.

You asked a question about detachment yesterday, and I wanted to chime in. I can't seem to find it now.

[Phoenix9]

So since he hasnt been getting any negative reactions from me, he just keeps trying?

Yep. He's doing a lot of temp-checking. A barrage of stuff is coming at you right now.

Weather the storm. You're doing great.

[Dtrmned]

Yes. DB'ing helps you to detach, GAL and your 180's. The wayward spouse will look toward the LBS and believe the changes they are making are not real. They will notice but they will constantly "test" the waters (temp checking) to make sure you will react how they predicted and also to make sure you are still attached to them so they have more time, more access to finances, making sure you are plan B and still ok for them to run back to while they are trying to secure plan A. So what pain said that is totally messes up their script. Remember, they know they are wrong for having an A. It doesn't mean that they aren't justifying their entire thought process on you acting the way you used to. By being the lighthouse, the rock, and not allowing him to tempt you into an argument, disagreement or even trying to solicit just an emotional response (he hits you out of the blue with an "I miss us". You then show in your face how much you do as well. You need to practice scenarios, questions, answers, conversations, etc on how you will react. Don't dwell, but if you know a discussion will come regarding the OW, the divorce, your daughter, finances, it even gets down to the nitty gritty of just the day to day stuff. How are you reacting? Can he set you off in a second? Or, can you now control your reactions and respond accordingly when these occur. You know how you are and what your fuse length was. He knew as well. Surprising him is not the goal. The goal is for you to be all about you and your daughter. Always making yourself look and act your best in front of him regarding any interaction. Can you hold it together and handle a 15 minute conversation out of the blue? It is difficult since there is so much emotion and baggage there. This is what is appealing about the OW (or just AP) They have no ties to them, no responsibility, no mortgage, no kids, no utility bills, no car/home repairs. Everything that YOU are a part of is thought of negatively where as OW is the escape, the dream the fantasy. We know it will most assuredly (based on statistics) never workout, but they have to go through their journey and you have to go through yours. Whether you can move to a new MR is yet to be determined. What you must do is detach and not be concerned what he is doing, what he is thinking, and GAL. If you do that, when he hits you out of the blue with a 2x4 question or comment, you are much more prepared to handle it in a good way.

[kech]

When you say a "shift" can you explain?

Thanks so much LITB, youve been amazing

You have started to work on improving on how you interact with him, and he can sense that there is a shift in you being less reactive.

You asked a question about detachment yesterday, and I wanted to chime in. I can't seem to find it now.

Hey LITB, this was the question: Question to all my “detached” people out there. I’m going to try to fake it till I make it. With every text he sends, I will start to think to myself, if I were detached from him, how would I respond to this.

My answers keep coming up similar to if I didn’t care or was indifferent. Same with treating him like a cashier. I would probably be nice and say things like “no problem” or “maybe next time”, things like that bc I wouldn’t really be worried about it. I’m starting to think to just stick with responses like “ok” unless given a yes or no question like Steve says.

Since he is not speaking to me in person now, our only interaction opportunities are via his texts. So I would like to be certain I am getting those right and DBing bc that is our main way of communication

[kech]

JustSad,

Thank you so much. We havent had any big convos in person, he usually will text me when he wants to say more serious things. He has said he feels we communicate much better through text, which is true, we do. I think I shut down in person and he gets really worked up and it just is never productive.

Im sure I made a face the other day when he asked me if I didnt want him helping around the house anymore. I was caught off guard and really unsure what to say. And I know he wants us to go over whatever dissolution of marriage paperworks he has, and THAT is going to be VERY hard. Lately he has been the emotional one and I have been steady in being upbeat, trying to keep things positive. He has been crying some days, has a hard time leaving he says, etc. I think going through the paperwork is going to be a very hard situation for us both, but I think I will be able to keep a poker face. My biggest fear is that I want more time and I dont know how to say that to him without coming off as needy or clinging on. I think deep down he is not ready for it either, but he says it out of anger and has probably convinced himself it is for the best.

We will see next week I guess how that goes, but its going to take a lot out of me emotionally and i am going to do my best. He will be emotional as well I predict. I hate it. I think any resistance I show towards divorce he will say hes annoyed with, even if deep down he agrees with me. We will cross that bridge when we get to it I guess.

I have not been the one to discuss us or any serious topics in a very long time. Sometimes it seems like he wants to so he will try to get me into a convo through text and i havent really been giving in. This anger hes showing towards me definitely has almost pulled me in, just to tell him to STOP being this way, but I didnt and I wont. I am trying to at least pretend to be detached even though I am far from it.

Thanks for your words! This all means so much to me and every post helps move me further

[SteveLW]

kech, you also asked me a couple of questions that I never got to. One was how long after I started getting good at detachment did my W start moving back to the MR. I believe that was your question.

Unfortunately, there is not a straight forward answer to that question. First detachment is a process, not a light switch. As you get better at it, the WAS definitely notices, and they can react in several different ways. My W would start asking me if anything was wrong. I was always quick to say "No, not at all!" Very upbeat and friendly to let her no there was nothing wrong. But she could sense, as LITB said, that I wasn't reacting the same way to her words and actions.

Slowly, as you get better and more consistent at DBing, you start to see changes in the WAS. In my case my W started to become less distant. She started to rebel less against the MR. She started to talk about a combined future again. I remember her saying "We should have the -soandsoes- over. They are really nice people." I remember being shocked. Like "a while ago you didn't even want to live here and now you are talking about entertaining in our home!"

For me from BD to full R, it was about 3 months. 12 weeks roughly. And again that was with me getting better at detachment, which drew her closer and closer in. However, I've written in my threads extensively how my case was a bit of a difference. First I initiated BD. My best guess is that she was 3-6 months away from initiating BD herself, based on what I've seen with other sitches. I think my catching it early helped in that there was still quite a bit of her committed to the MR than some others that end up here. If that commitment is depleted over time the way I think it is, I caught it before she was at full blown "I WANT OUT" mode. If most WAS initiate BD after getting down to 5% commitment left, she was probably at about 20%.

This meant there was less work and less time necessary for her to come back to the MR. If another 3-6 months went by I would guess that she would have taken 2-4 times as much time to eventually come back to the MR. So instead of 3 months it could have been more like a year. However, every sitch and WAS is different. Some never come back, some take a very long time and even after D to come back. Some take a shorter amount of time (like my W).

The other thing that complicates my sitch was my W's March b-day turning 50. This was constantly mentioned in the 13 weeks from BD to her b-day. "I am going to be 50!" Like it was the end of the world and if she wasn't working, moved out and in the process of D by that date then her life would be over. Once her bday arrived and she saw that it really wasn't that big of a deal, she was ready at that point to turn back to the MR in full.

I know you are looking for hope. And you are wanting to see signs. But I got expert advice in those first few weeks and one thing that really hit home to me, as it came from multiple anti-divorce sources, was that she would come back to the MR WHEN she decided to. And nothing I could do would speed that up or make it happen. And unfortunately that is what all LBSs have to face.