Husband cheated, left, trying DB 3

[Dtrmned]

Re-read Sandi's 37 rules everyday!

Remember what R2C said about the hard path being the easy path.
This isn't easy. If it was easy, we wouldn't be here struggling how to deal with our situations.

I am still struggling and trying to get better each day. I haven't truly had a conversation with my W outside of our kids, finance, errand stuff in months. She came to me today wanting to talk about our kids and the one that is struggling. I listened, validated, gave constructive input and left it with her thinking and we are going to get together later as to how we will attack this together. I think it was good since most convos about anything would eventually lead to an R talk. I didn't let it go there. I stated a couple of times that this has nothing to do with our MR this is about our child and how to get them back on track.

And the response from the person who said that divorce wouldn't affect the children "She is in a bad situation with our MR situation and I think it will be better once we separate" I will leave you with this:

BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT THEY DO.

Nothing they say makes sense, but it is their actions that will give you an idea of what they are truly thinking. My W has been threatening D for many, many months. After her initial filing and withdrawal in Febrauary you know what has happened...nothing.

[SteveLW]

Steve, follow up question, how did you know once you mastered detachment and what changes did you see that we’re profound. In yourself? In W? Both?

Thanks in advance

The change in me was a very peaceful feeling that I was going to be okay no matter what happened. If she left and D'd me, or if she stayed and we R'd, I would be fine! And looking back, and I have written about this, in some ways I think I would have been even better IF she had left and D'd me. I know when you are in the middle of your sitch it is hard to see how that could be a good thing. But believe it or not it can be. I've been through it now twice. Once in 2005 and then again 2017. So now I'll always be suspicious. I'll always have a thought buried way down deep, that it could happen again. Admittedly, 2006-2016 I never fathomed it that it could happen again. She was that committed and that into our MR. But then it did.

But that was my most profound change. That I became okay with the idea of being D'd.

For her it was the sudden interest. Where there was no interest before, suddenly she was asking me how I was doing. Was anything wrong? She got more interested in cleaning the house, and in cooking for us. And then when we became intimate again, she was very into it! Something I wasn't used to. For years she just had an attitude of "let's get this over with". Suddenly she was very into it (this was the week leading up to her bday). And has been ever since.

So there was nothing huge, the sex thing probably the biggest, and it was all very gradual and over time.

[LITB]

Steve, follow up question, how did you know once you mastered detachment and what changes did you see that we’re profound. In yourself? In W? Both?

Thanks in advance

Kech,

This is the question I was looking for. Honestly, it took me about 14 months from BD to completely detach. I placed expectations on my sitch to turn around by being nice and doing certain things. Kinda like you are now.

It wasn't until I was able to confirm AP in the picture that I was able to truly process my hurt and anger, that I was able to detach and let go. I was in BIG TIME denial and being played a fool. Don't know what I was thinking. She moved 1100 miles away.

Looking back, I can identify that I was detached when I stopped wondering/questioning if I was detached and I took a long break from these forums. It happened by me living my life and accepting the reality of my M/R being over. Thankfully it was, because it was broken.

Keep working. You have made a significant amount of progress in the short time you have been here.

Hey, Steve beat me to it. Just saw that he posted. He has been quite a resource for you with his solid advice.

[kech]

Steve thanks so much, thats really helpful. Even where you say you sometimes think if she had d'ed you, youd be better off. Sometimes I feel like he needs to feel ALL ties cut from me in order to breathe or something. I dont want to put that into the universe, but I do hope to have an outcome like yours with him coming back.

I was noticing some of those signs you mentioned, just last week. Wanting to do more around the house, wanting to be there, asking if I need anything, etc. But thats all blown up now, you know the sitch.

Sometimes it can be very exhausting being the bigger person, and I cant help but feel like thats all ive been the last year. I cant believe it only took 3 months for you, thats amazing. I so wish I had started this earlier. I felt like I Was because I was trying Sandi's rules, but I wasnt completely DBing by any means. My husband and I were still intimate, we were still living together, I wasnt laying down any boundaries whatsoever. I was trying to GAL but failing miserably. It was sad now that I look back at it. As sad as I feel now compared to then is really hard. Not having him around as much definitely effects me emotionally, because he is no longer living at home. And the OW thing just of course absolutely tears every part of me in half, its by far the most difficult thing to deal with. But with this community and DBing, its like I have a goal in sight. I have a challenge in front of me I want to tackle. It helps. I appreciate you giving me all that personal info in your sitch. Detaching has clearly been the hardest part for me to accomplish and im sure its such a great feeling when you finally get there. I feel like if it wasnt for the OW, I might be almost there. But that aspect of it just absolutely lights my life on fire, its really horrible knowing he is probably texting with this OW every day, going and seeing her, sleeping with her at night, building something exciting with her, as I try to pick up the pieces of our life.

Sometimes I feel that since we havent been intimate in about a month, we lose such a huge connection. But I know right now I cant be. And he hasnt tried since the last time. I know the attraction is there, I was in pajamas last night since he came later and he took one look at me and I could tell he was instantly annoyed that I am letting so much of my skin show, etc, when he feels like I never did that for him. And hes right, but I feel good so thats all there is to it.

I just know losing that physical connection and him having it with another woman, this one being in our city and not 4 hours away, is a real hit to my stance with him. Among everything else, no responsibilities with her, no bills, no history, just fun, excitement, learning about one another. I would LOVE to accomplish making him feel like he cant have me. I dont really know how to get there when he isnt really trying to necessarily HAVE me, but I can just keep responding in the way im responding, and doing what im doing that seemed to be working pretty quick just last week.

JustSad,

Im glad you and your wife seem to be communicating more, thats such a great step. I hope my H puts off the D, but since he set a week to do it (next week) makes me think we will be discussing it.

I need to remember to believe none of what he says, thats a tough one but so true. What a rollercoaster

[kech]

LITB,

yes Steve really has. And so have you! Thank you for that. 14 months, Im at 12 so hopefully I can accomplish detachment soon. I havent been actively working on it until now. No social media, no driving by the bars, just need my mind and heart to catch up with me. I want to detach from his comments to me, I want to detach from wondering why he says what he says and why hes doing this, saying that, what hes trying to get out of telling me certain things. IM constantly on the defense thinking hes saying something to me in order to pull the wool over my eyes and be with OW, or schedule times with D so he can spend time with OW, and its those situations that really kill me, that I know I have no control over and need to detach from. Everything involving OW tears me UP. I need to detach from ALL of that. And I am working at it. Every day. I need to read Sandi's rules again, I need to read the lighthouse thread also.

Still no clue if he plans to come tonight but I am not going to ask him. I am just going to go on with my night. It will hurt me if he doesnt because I know he will be with OW, but I will still have a good night with Daughter and its his loss of time with her, not mine. Shes the most important thing to me in ALL of this. by far

[LITB]

Still no clue if he plans to come tonight but I am not going to ask him. I am just going to go on with my night. It will hurt me if he doesnt because I know he will be with OW, but I will still have a good night with Daughter and its his loss of time with her, not mine. Shes the most important thing to me in ALL of this. by far

There you go. You should go about your plans tonight. If he notifies you last minute, kindly let him know that you have plans tonight and will not be available this evening.

FWIW, as difficult as my sitch was, I am thankful for going through it, because my W and I both needed some humbling and needed a lot of growth. We are better for it. Seems surreal to believe we even went through it. Even if we wouldn't have reconciled, it helped me with self-improvement. Trying to help you see the silver lining.

Don't look at this as an obstacle. Look at it as an opportunity.

If you get an opportunity, go to Youtube and search "Rocky Balboa Motivational Speech". It is Rocky talking to his son. It applies. I love that scene.

[kech]

I love that movie, I will look at speech tonight. I am sure it will give me a little motivation.

I would love have a crystal ball and see where this would go. I will really try to look at it as an opportunity. Next week is going to be extremely hard, I am anxious about it and the discussion we will have. But I am just REALLy going to try to be the lighthouse, be strong, even if I am completely faking it. I find that when we have emotional talks, sometimes I end up being the one to tell him it will all be okay. We will get through it. That is what I was telling him last week when he was texting me how sad he was and how he handled this all wrong. I said to him that we will learn to be the best coparents ever and that can be our focus for now. I think when I show him strength like that, he sees my changes. Before I was a wimpering heart broken beggar.

Even if inside im dying, I am trying to show strength on the outside. Let him know if we MUST Divorce in his mind, then at least let us figure out custody amongst ourselves. I hope to keep the situation as calm as possible. So I can already see if he goes into the discussion with the anger he has shown this week, it will be a disaster. Hopefully he will have calmed down a bit by discussion time. Again, I cant control him and how he chooses to handle this all. I can only control how I handle my end and my reactions to his decisions.

I hope to just get through my days okay. Its awful to feel this upset, but by night time I start to feel better. Mornings a daytime can be rough.

Thanks for all the kind words and help.

[kech]

How long after detaching did you notice a difference in your w? You said it took you 14 months to detach, did she pick up on that right away?

[LITB]

She noticed about 3 months later, when I started dating someone and updated my FB profile. She went batshit crazy. I definitely wouldn't suggest that. I admit, I have had plenty of my own mistakes.

[kech]

Ohhh ok ya I think you told me that about dating someone else. Did you notice differences in her towards you in 3 months of detachment leading to you meeting someone?