I think the point is that right now you can't rely on him, and shouldn't rely on him. Have ZERO expectations about him.
I also think that cutting down on contact really helps with detachment. I remember staring intently at my phone in the month post BD, waiting for an email or text from my W, which back then generally came every 3 or 4 days. It was pure torture, and I think it held me back from focusing on myself. Now, I might get an email every 2-3 weeks from her, and I am never waiting for it or expecting it. It's freeing because so much less of my life revolves around her. Obviously, you have a child and need to coordinate that, but I think if you could probably cut back a lot more on the communication. Do you have a schedule or plan in place?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Kech, I know the pain of expecting a text/call and getting nothing.
You may not find this helpful at all, but last weekend I started getting some of those angry/frustrated feelings, and that’s exactly what helped me get a little better at detaching. Sit with that anger about not being able to rely on him, for a moment, and remind yourself that you deserve better. Then, when you get what you get, you can accept it for what it is and not expect more.
And each time you feel a tiny bit better about yourself by reflecting on the fact that whatever you were afraid of didn’t kill you, it gives you a little more fuel to do it again, and again...
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thank you, you’re both right. He is completely unreliable and I need to have no expectations, for some reason I subconsciously do. It’s ridiculous. I honestly think he just says things to says things. He doesn’t pay attention to what he’s saying or committing to, he just says whatever works for him in the moment to try to get a reaction from me and make his own plans. No thought into any of it.
Detach detach detach. The anger helps. The unreliability helps. He’s such a mess right now outside of this house I think. Just off living some fun life. I’ve got my sweet baby girl smiling at me right now and that’s really all I need. Going to church with the baby and my mom in the morning. Keeping it moving!!
Kech, I wrote this based on the picnic thread in another poster's thread. Thought it might help you:
Quote
This is so good!! It reminds me of a screen saver from years ago that we used to put on WIndows PCs. It was called Johnny Castaway. When the screensaver would launch there would be a picture of an island, and Johnny Castaway, as a castaway on it.
Johnny usually moped about the island, looking forelorn, sad, lonely. He'd stand and look at the PC user. He'd wave, or walk to the other end of the island.
When Johnny was doing what he ALWAYS did, he was boring. You couldn't wait to move your mouse to get him off of your screen.
Every once in a while Johnny would get involved into something that might make his life better on the island. Whether it was fishing. Or trying to start a fire. Or getting a coconut from the lone tree on the island and trying to open it. When Johnny got involved in something like that he became interesting! His focus was no more on the fact that he was alone, on an island. The viewer would get sucked in and wonder "what is Johnny doing?" "Will he be successful?" "What will be the outcome?"
When you were interested to see what Johnny was doing you didn't dare move your mouse to make him go away! You were sucked in and interested again! Why? Because he was being proactive, he was doing unusual things, he was worried about himself and only himself and trying to better his life.
YOU are Johnny Castaway. She is the PC user. In order to keep her from moving her mouse to make you go away you need to stay busy (GAL). You need to do things you don't normally do (180). You need to ignore the PC user and go about your own business (detach).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
STEVE, wowwww. I love that. That is so interesting to me, and it’s so true. Another screen shot in my plethora of screen shots now from you guys. I will read this tomorrow morning.
H did end up texting that he was getting off work and wouldnt be back to our side of town until around 8. I didn’t respond quick enough so he texted again and said he wants the baby tomorrow to watch the game with him here at our house. I asked him what time he expected to come and be here until so that I could schedule my own plans. He said 9am, and I told him I was taking her to church and we would be back around 10:30. He said that worked because he wants to mow the lawn in the morning. I was very upbeat, said that works and told him we would see him in the morning. He sounded down but I ignored it and hung up.
I felt like I faked detachment well! Did not even mention that he could still come tonight if he wanted bc she is still up, for once I didn’t want him to come. I was in the process of texting him back that I was putting her down soon and tomorrow would be better, before he texted me a second time. I needed a night just her and I, and it has been a great night!
Woke up first thing this morning feeling bad, thinking about where he’s sleeping, etc. but read Sandi’s rules to try to feel better and keep me in my place. Heading to church soon with the baby and he should be at our house when we get back, so I’ll be sure to look wonderful. If anyone has any motivating words of wisdom on this Sunday I could use them. He will be at our house all day with the baby so I’ll be off finding things to do.
Woke up first thing this morning feeling bad, thinking about where he’s sleeping, etc. but read Sandi’s rules to try to feel better and keep me in my place. Heading to church soon with the baby and he should be at our house when we get back, so I’ll be sure to look wonderful. If anyone has any motivating words of wisdom on this Sunday I could use them. He will be at our house all day with the baby so I’ll be off finding things to do.
Surrender your sitch to the higher power (God, Allah, Creator, mysterious force belief etc.). Whoever you believe in, allow yourself to surrender to that power.
When I decided to re-visit my spiritual roots, I decided to go in with an open heart. I have been comforted quite a bit since I have started and things have been slowly turning around. Other aspects unrelated to my life have been seeing things and events that I never thought would happen. Is it God working? Maybe. I feel like it is. What does God have planned in regards to this sitch? I don't know. I pray for R. I do it multiple times per day. But outside of that, I don't control those circumstances.
You have been blessed with a strong mind, a caring heart, a beautiful child who loves her (his?) mama, and a fierce determination to go through this hell. You have gone this far. Keep going and know you have company. The higher power is watching, guiding, and caring for us.
