H was supposed to be at the house at 9am to mow the lawn. When I got home from church at 11, he still wasn’t even there. When he did finally walk in, toothbrush in hand, I said what happened to coming at 9? He said he was up but that it started to rain. It didn’t rain until 10:30. He’s such a joke.
Then he said he wants to take the baby to see his mom next time he has her one weekend. I said ok we will just need to plan it. I think that annoyed him but I don’t care. Things need to be scheduled whether he likes it or not.
Then I left. He was back to being a jerk again and had CLEARLY just woken up! He’s disgusting I’m beginning to hate him so much. I’m so sick of his lies and feeling hurt and let down by him. I can’t wait until I detach because this is all so hurtful
He sounds like a jerk, at the moment. Maybe he isn’t really, and he’s just acting funny. Maybe he wasn’t always a jerk. Maybe he won’t always be. But this is what he is right now. You’re the better person right now.
You can show him respect, and regain some of your self-respect, by treating him like the person he is, not the person you wish he was.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Burned, thank you. Do you think I handled it ok? I hate that I asked what happened to him being there at 9, but he can’t just continue to not show when he says he will. It’s so frustrating. I really tried my best
I guess what I’ve learned here in the last month is that if it’s different from what you usually do and it gets a different kind of response, then it fits into the whole DB framework.
Maybe it’s uncomfortable but did it help you regain a faint feeling of control, at least control over how you react when someone mistreats you?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Need a little vent session. I had to text H to see if baby was hungry (still breastfeeding). He sent me back a sweet pic of her asleep on top of him. He followed it up with a text that said “I might be out of town next weekend.”
All I responded was “ok”
I would never ask why, but of course I’d love to know where he’s going. I’m sure he would tell me it’s for work, and I wouldn’t believe him anyways. But I’m so frustrated. I can’t catch a break. 2 hours ago he says he wants to take her to see his mom next weekend and now he says he might be out of town. If it’s with OW, I would be so devastated iof course. (Not detached)
I just feel like he’s constantly doing/saying things that just set me off. And I’m obviously not showing him that he’s setting me off, but when does the LBS catch a damn break?! I hope “ok” was a good response. I’m not trying to give him any reaction, when really inside I’m wanting to break down into the fetal position and cry and ask him why he’s doing this.
It didn’t make me feel control, it made me feel like his mom or something. It’s prob what I would have done in our marriage, but once all this happened a year ago I stopped holding him accountable for anything and it got me nowhere. I don’t know. I literally feel like he won’t give me a break. Maybe it’s just in my head. But my emotions are so heightened it’s like is he testing me constantly for a reaction or am I just being crazy?
He has to know id wonder where he’s going next weekend. I know I keep saying I want to detach bc it’s all I want. I don’t want to feel all this hurt from everything he does. I don’t even know what to believe from him anymore bc he’s so unreliable with things he says and does. This truly is a marathon not a sprint and sometimes I just don’t know if I’m really strong enough for what it takes to DB. It would definitely be easier to lash out and tell him he’s breaking my heart every minute of every day. I won’t. It would just feel good.
I’m feeling you today. I haven’t caught a break in months. I can tell you for certain, though, that the last time I caught a break was BEFORE the last and final time I confronted W about OM.
Detachment would certainly help. Pretend your husband died, and think of what it would be like to start dating someone just like him, only in that scenario the OW is just an ex and she doesn’t matter anymore.
That’s the kind of relationship you would be rebuilding with your “new” H if/when things turn around.
But you’re doing a good job. And this is a good place to vent.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
And I often wonder about strength. Where do we find it? Faith? Friends? Family?
The die-hards here will say strength comes from detaching and GAL. Feeling like you matter for who you are, not for what you do for someone.
But for people like me (and maybe you?) the things we do for others are the things that make us feel strong. So it hurts twice as much when the one person we want to help is the one person who doesn’t want our help.
That’s when it’s time to drop the rope. I did it last night. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. I feel like I want to vomit.
You’re doing the right thing by talking about it. Let it out.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Your response was fine. He gave you information regarding caring for the baby next weekend and you acknowledged receiving the information. It was good to keep it short and to the point. It didn't warrant any more response than that. Of course you are going to wonder where he is going, but he doesn't need to know that. You are going to need to keep communicating with him regarding the baby, but keep it as informational and business-like as possible. Re-read Sandi's rules until they become like 2nd nature in your interactions with him.
He might very well be going out with OW, but you are catastrophizing when you constantly imagine the worst case scenario. As hard as it is right now, you need to let it go. You know that you can't control him, but you still want to. You want him to come over and interact with you and take the baby to his mother's, because that feels like it might be a step in the right direction. But it isn't up to you and what you want. He is going to do what suits him and at this point he is acting like a selfish jerk so his decisions are not often align with what you want. You have to let him go and make his mistakes and continue on his journey. At some point he may wake up and realize the mistakes he has been making but that is less likely to happen if you don't let him go.
Hang in there. You have a lot of support on here.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thank you both. Burned, congrats on dropping the rope. I’m sure it’s a sickening feeling at first but the freedom you will soon feel will probably make it so worth it. I can’t wait to get there.
I don’t feel like I want to control him but maybe I do. I want him to want to make us better and instead it’s like he is just getting further away. Everything he’s been telling me lately and doing would normally get a reaction of annoyance and questioning from me. Friday night it was him going out and needing to be gone by 8. Saturday night he didn’t come at all. Then today first it’s oh I want to take her to my moms next weekend (which he knows hurts my feelings bc I always wanted to do things like a family and he never made plans and now he wants to just take the baby, which is fine, it’s just normally I’d prob give him a reaction). And now it’s he’s going out of town next weekend, and he knows had he said that to me just 2 weeks ago when he lived at home I would have asked where and all that, and now I’m asking nothing. I don’t know if he is expecting a reaction from me or doesn’t care either way. I have to stop thinking about everything he does and says but man oh mannnnn.
