Hello all, I am looking for some advice. I've been reading the forums for almost a month but now just registered. My wife moved out 8 days ago after a 2 month live in separation (which I feel as though I screwed up by being too needy, arguing, etc.) Four days before she moved out, we spent the day together (breakfast, mall, etc) and I told her that I wanted to work things out. She said that right now, she did not want to be with me. I got needy (big mistake, I know) and asked her if there was a possibility in the future, and she said that she couldn't answer either way and she needed time. Since she moved out, I have not reached out to her at all. She called me two days later regarding a bill of mine that came out of her account ($100) and wanted me to bring her the money. I told her I was busy and that she would have to come by the house. She then said she didn't want to see me or see the house and started arguing, I ended the convo and she continued arguing via text, which I ignored (I shut my phone off and she thought I blocked her). Two days after that she texted me from stepson's phone saying not to block her again and that she really needed the money and if I could meet up with her later, which I agreed to (in all fairness I owed her the money). I also told her on the phone that if she is communicating respectfully that I would answer, but if she communicates to argue then I won't, and she said she understood. So we met up at starbucks and had a quick convo regarding the dog and a few other things, nothing related to us or R. I was upbeat and felt great during the convo, and she was serious/depressed looking. Since then, she has called/texted to ask me random things (regarding a job, an insurance quote, things like that). Yesterday I responded to her text from the night before, and after a few texts she made an argumentative comment, and I stopped responding. Today she called, I didn't answer, then after an hour sent a text saying "you called?" She asked if I wanted the dog back today or tomorrow, I said tomorrow and that was it.
I only respond via text and very short, to the point answers. We both need time to think and miss each other. I am working on GAL which is something I didn't have in our marriage. I really, truly want my family back and I am working on the issues that drove her away (mainly insecurities on my part). Being alone is helping me find myself and improve my self esteem. I don't feel desperate to get her back, I just feel as though I can make these changes and make our marriage and family work.
So, that is my current sitch and my question is this: How am I doing? Should I stop responding at all and go dark? I really want her to miss me to somehow spark her feelings towards me again. We separated a few years ago (for 3 months) and when I really truly stopped caring and stopped wanting to R, she came back and sparked my feelings and we worked it out. Just not sure how to proceed or how to test the waters to see what she is really feeling. Thank you for such a great community!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am by no means a vet in this regard in anyway, (I have currently just entered R with my W), but I must say I feel that GAL is imperative to any BD scenario, and 180 as well. By detaching and utilizing the time to find oneself and contemplate how to grow as an individual will inevitably strengthen you as a person and enable you to be better prepared for whatever life may bring. In this manner, your W may notice these changes and second guess her decision to D. Utilize the time to grow as a person and become the best you can be. I'm rooting for you, much love.
Sorry you are here, and you will find the help you need. However, you already have the key to getting her back, potentially:
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e separated a few years ago (for 3 months) and when I really truly stopped caring and stopped wanting to R, she came back and sparked my feelings and we worked it out.
This is exactly what you have to do again. You are an example of how this works (other newbies please take note!). Pursuit and pressure do not work. Truly moving on has the best chance to work. So find that place again, and then wait for her to want to come back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Whether you understand boundaries or not, it sounds like you have instituted them. Good job.
She sounds angry from your description and needs time to chill.
I think you are doing well. Still helps to read and understand what is best policy. We all slip.
All that needy bata behavior is common and should be avoided. My MC told me to research vulnerability and although important in any R it often looks like Needy Bata stuff that drives them away. Makes us feel weak and look weak.
DBing is several things. Detachment is key. Sounds like you are on the right track. You have to love someone in a way that that person feels free. Chase and they will run.
You are in a helpful place.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thank you all for the responses. Yes, my previous situation is a great example of how detachment and truly moving on does work. I used the DB principles to make that happen and it did work. Now that I have made an account I am going to offer advice where I can to other people in similar situations.
RR17, thank you especially for your encouragement, it really helped me to read your feedback. In these last few days, her attitude towards me has changed quite a bit. I think that me ignoring her when she starts to argue has worked, as she has been nice and respectful towards me. And I have been indifferent towards her for the most part, very short text responses, keeping communication to a minimum, etc.
Last night I did slip up but I don't "think" I ruined it. Yesterday I was sick and she called me to meet up to return the dog's medicine to me. I told her I was sick and that I couldn't leave the house and she offered to come drop them off (which surprised me since her new apartment is 30 minutes away and she always complained about driving down here). So she got here and offered to take me to get some food and medicine since I was sick (again, very surprising, her normal self would have dropped the dog's medicine and left not worrying about me). So we went (since I really did need the favor lol I wasn't in a position to drive), and she got some food for herself too. Came back to the house and ate together and talked a little about jobs (mostly me giving her advice on that), the kids, etc (nothing M or R related). Kept myself confident and positive the whole time (not an act, that's truly how I feel).
Here's the slip-up (you guys can beat me up for it, I deserve it lol). When she was leaving, I felt some type of vibe from her, can't really explain it. So instead of just saying goodbye like I probably should have, I went in for a hug (which, a week ago, would have backfired 100%). She hugged me as well and it felt like the first real hug in months. You're probably thinking, that's not a bad slip-up. Well that's not all, here it goes (and I feel dumb even typing this since I know I messed up). Since I still felt the vibe, I held her hand (she didn't pull away or act offended like normally) and she looked at me and I asked her if she'd like to go out with me sometime. She asked me if I had started going to therapy yet (I told her I was going to go to therapy to help with some issues from my childhood). I told her that I went to one session and have another this week. I told her that I needed time but that I can work through my issues and I want to try to work this out. She said that she understood and agreed. Then I said let's talk about it some other time and we hugged again and she left. Then later that night sent me a text saying that she hopes I get better soon, I just responded thank you for taking me to get food and she said your welcome with a smiley face.
So I plan to just continue how I was as it appears to be working, and not bring up any more R talk unless she does. What do you all think of my slip-up? Hope I didn't ruin everything. Anyway, you all have a great day and thank you for listening
Yes, my previous situation is a great example of how detachment and truly moving on does work. I used the DB principles to make that happen and it did work.
And then:
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I held her hand (she didn't pull away or act offended like normally) and she looked at me and I asked her if she'd like to go out with me sometime.
huh? A nod to DB principles in one paragraph, and then severe pressure and pursuit in another?
Imagine if this is what would have happened:
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hen she was leaving, I felt some type of vibe from her, can't really explain it. So instead of just saying goodbye like I probably should have, I went in for a hug (which, a week ago, would have backfired 100%). She hugged me as well and it felt like the first real hug in months. Then later that night sent me a text saying that she hopes I get better soon, I just responded thank you for taking me to get food and she said your welcome with a smiley face.
That would have been so much better at this point in your sitch. Likely she will retreat a bit now. Most WASs do when you exert pressure and pursuit.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve you are exactly right, I know that I messed up and did the opposite of the DB principles. I guess I sound like a hypocrite. When I see a positive difference with her, and feel a "vibe" (like last night), it's very hard for me not to pursue. If I analyze my actions, I know that it's me testing the waters with her. I am aware this is counter-productive and needs to stop. I do feel like this was a good lesson for me, and if there is a next time, I feel as though I will remember this and control myself better.
On the other hand, there is one possibly positive thing. Right up until she moved out there was a lot of conflict between us and a lot of ugly things said to each other (including me saying that I was happy it was over and I feel free, relieved, etc). Even though I know last night was a screw up and shouldn't have talked about it, I feel as though I got my point across last night and the ball is in her court 100%. I feel as though she now knows where I stand and what I want. Now I truly feel like I have no need to talk about R again with her unless she brings it up, so that is a relief for me.
Whatever happens, I know that I'll be okay. I'm not at the point where I was with our last separation (where I truly didn't care or want to R anymore), but I feel calm and relaxed and not depressed. Her moving out has been a lot easier on me then I thought it would be, and it's 1000x better then when we were separated and living under the same roof. I really do want to save my marriage, but I am thankful that I don't feel desperate like I did when she was still living here.
I'll keep you guys updated and I appreciate any feedback Thank you!
Hey all, I need some advice again. Been doing some thinking and really don't understand something. She still finds a reason to call or text me every day. After the slip up and the "your welcome/smiley emoji" from my post above, she called me, and an hour later I texted "you called?" She responded right away "yes, it was to ask you how to set up the TV to work on the wifi, but I fixed it myself" which I responded "so it's good now?" and she said "yes". That was last night.
Now earlier today she texted me saying "I want to go ahead with xxx job, do you think you could help me?" (referring to filing out some paperwork and getting a deal for cleaning crew insurance). I waited an hour and responded "Ok we'll talk about it later" and right away she said "ok". Two hours ago, she sent me a picture of the battery light on her car that came on (I'm a mechanic). I waited an hour and responded "probably the alternator, shouldn't drive it", she responded right away and said "(sad emoji) we are 30 min away (her and her mom working I believe), which I said "turn off the radio and take the side streets just in case" which she said "ok". I then got to thinking and felt bad and said "If you need help you can ask me ok" which got no response so far (5 minutes ago). I regret sending that last one.
Not answering the phone and waiting to respond are huge 180's for me. She knows I always have my phone on me for work (and when we were together I always answered right away).
Why does she always find some random thing to communicate with me about every day? Sometimes I want to block her and go dark, but I don't know if that will make things worse. We haven't argued at all recently. I don't want to be too nice or too available. It's a tough balance to know what should I really help her with? How do I know if I'm being used? Next time she asks for help, do I ignore her completely?
