Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this.

[Turbine]

Moving her stuff to the basement... sure I suppose to get a reaction. We have a split level house and stuff everywhere. What I moved to the basement is containers she packed and parked in the living room. It is hard to clean when everything is overwhelmingly cluttered.

I don't intend on doing more than moving her thing. I won't throw out or damage it. Pointless action.. I also won't pack containers for her. That would seem antagonistic and therefore foolish. I have a yard to clear and a garage to clean.

Very attached... okay beyond a doubt.

No further rallying. If they ask or notice her ... that's them.

Thanks for the input, I was beginning to feel invisible...

[AnotherStander]

Moving her stuff to the basement... sure I suppose to get a reaction. We have a split level house and stuff everywhere. What I moved to the basement is containers she packed and parked in the living room. It is hard to clean when everything is overwhelmingly cluttered.

Ah OK. Well it's OK to move stuff like that if it's just cluttering up the house, as long as you are doing it for you and not to scare her back if that makes sense.

Very attached... okay beyond a doubt.

And that's perfectly normal, but just try to be mindful of it because that attachment is what makes us keep the pressure on, and instigate R talks and such when we should be giving time and space.

Thanks for the input, I was beginning to feel invisible...

We're all volunteers here and a lot of us unfortunately can't be on here all the time, but we try to jump on when we can. Sometimes a lot of the vets are away from the boards all at once and it can make the newer people here feel ignored and alienated. Please don't think that, we do care a lot for you (and the others on here) and we try to help as often as we can. If you don't get many responses it's often because we're tied up elsewhere, not because of you. One thing that helps is if you ask for feedback on certain issues. A lot of people come here and journal, then complain when no one responds. But if they're just journaling, it doesn't sound like they need any input. Does that make sense? So ask questions and ask for feedback on situations you're going through.

[Turbine]

I have been trying to be mindful of the attachment and working hard to keep it from having me make errors. Like moving her stuff vs doing something to her stuff. So far I have been able to have reason win over emotion. I'd like to have a R talk... but I will wait for her to initiate the conversations. She did go out last night with her friend. My comment was to have a good time. Don't know when she got back. I had fallen asleep.

As for the invisible feeling... quick story...

While I was stationed in San Diego for a shore rotation I worked in the equipment repair shop for the base. We did maintenance on the various industrial machines that provided support services to the ships. We also did the installation and removal of equipment as needed.

One of the installs was to put in the corrosion control equipment into a rehabbed building. We cleared out the old stuff, ran new electric, installed an air system, etc. We had to assemble the powder coating booths, the flame spray booths and then move them to the building and put them in place. Pits were dug so the carts holding the parts to be coated could just be rolled in at ground level. The booths were about three feet up from the ground to allow for a grit collection system that made up the floor.

Turns out there were several things not planned for nor shared with the manufacturer of the powder coating booths. First was these were supposed to be build in place. Second there was a model already designed to be put into a pit. Government contracts...

So we build the booths and had to weld on additional pieces to move them. Warranty was voided already by this time, moving just made it absolutely void. We built boom extensions for the 15K forklifts and drove one of them down the street suspended between two forklifts. Second was driven over by Public Works on a low boy trailer.

Once the booths were at the location, dropping them into the pits was the next step. All the supervisors were trying to figure it out and I said back in, turn this way with the booths about 6 inches up. Go slow enough in the turn that if the steering wheels start coming up we stop and back up. If not then we drive forward slow and when over the pit lower into place.

Our immediate supervisor said be quiet that is stupid. Not more than thirty seconds our Chief is saying exactly what I just finished saying.

Okay, not so quick. But true. I can't preface it with the proper phrase.

Other thoughts?

[Turbine]

Filling out disclosure questions. What an intrusive list. On the advice of my attorney it is being reciprocated. Yeah a lot of this could have been avoided if we weren't going this route.

I'm not happy having to do it. Not happy having her do it either. It would be time better spent on me, her and us. So I will settle for me right now.

I can't imagine she will be happy about doing it either.

I don't suppose any of you out there would share your thoughts/experiences with disclosure (general thoughts, details not really needed). I can see this making her think this over or become more committed to continuing this course.

[Turbine]

I need some feed back ASAP on this please.

W and I have joint checking account and her direct deposits have not been going to the account. Yes she still has access to it. Got an email about the account that a bill was paid from the account. Legit bill but she paid it. Lawyer is drafting a response to disclosure to send her lawyer.

So do I only tell lawyer or tell W to remove herself from account or put the money in from wherever she is sending her pay?

I don't want to make a mistake and I don't want to get shafted either.

[Davide]

You need to have a conversation about finances and talk with your W about the best way to handle things going forward (you are still living together, right?). Definitely don't cut her off without having a conversation as that never turns out well. If she isn't paying into the account but can pay bills and write checks from it, you are asking for trouble.

[Turbine]

Yes, still living together. She moved into one of the kids rooms. Along with most of her stuff. Very crowded but hey... her choice.

Not planning on a cut off. She sort of did that when she stopped her direct deposits. I split mine earlier but I can transfer money from one to the other. Her other account is a separate bank.

I reminded my BiL that he needs to give me the money for the month and not her. I can cut the check for the bill she claims to be paying with it.

I know that doing anything to them or their stuff is never a good idea. What I'd like to do is get back to a MR. Not the one that got us here but more Version 2.0
I suppose right now is equal to clearing out the old OS to install a new one. (Operating System)

Sorry, work abbreviations sneak in sometimes.

[ovrrnbw]

Turbine,

what Davide says is true. I wanted wayyyyy too long to make a strong move financially and it was very dumb.

[Turbine]

Guess I have to have that conversation tonight. She has been going back to Church, something that has been a big part of her. Said after that week of covering for home care we would clean the house. Not much there. We cooked a dinner the other night. Spaghetti... didn't eat together but we cooked together.

Really thin stuff I know. I guess that means I am still in denial... or want this to work out ending in a MR 2.0

I guess I'm not so tough. I don't want to be selfish either.

[ovrrnbw]

Don't worry that you're not so tough, you're still improving right?

So what if you want it to work out in MR 2.0? That's a good goal, just make sure you are working to achieve that.