Husband cheated, left, trying to DB

[kech]

Question,

For some reason my mind is running wild this morning wanting to reach out to him and just ask him anything.

Part of me wanted to invite him to the zoo with me and D this week. THen part of me wanted to ask him to help me move the porch furniture this week. Is this normal? To feel like I just want SOME kind of connection with him thats positive and get a response from him?

I dont know what Im thinking and I know I shouldnt do these thngs, but its like I just want to feel something with him, like something positive, or offer him something nice. I dont know why I get like this. Like I want to just make him smile since hes been so down around me and angry.

Is this a normal feeling?

[burned]

I would say it's normal. Whether you look at it from a scientific or a theological perspective, humans have a built-in mechanism to connect with other people. Severing that connection feels like dying, because to some extent we can't survive without someone to love.

It's a problem when the person we love doesn't love us. Or when the person we love hurts us. Or when the person we love dies.

Doesn't help with detachment, is what I'm learning.

The only thing I've found that helps in the short time I've been doing this is reaching out to people who love me almost as much. Or more, but in a non-husband way. Family, friends. People who remind you who you really are and won't hesitate to tell you.

[SteveLW]

Yes. Completely normal. The problem is you're wanting the connection with your delusion of who he used to be. And reality is you're not dealing with that guy.

You need to remind yourself that he's now a cheating, lying cake eater. So don't offer him cake

[kech]

Youre right, you both are. Of course.

So in other words, I should not invite him to the zoo with us. Even if he said no I feel like it would show him I am still open to doing things with him. But you are right, he is not at all the man I still view him as. He is someone else.

Steve, can you tell me again why you think he is SO angry with me? I know you have told me previously, it just seems like the anger peaked yesterday to an all new level of just plain right mean to me.

[SteveLW]

It is loss of control. He feels a loss of control over you as you detach and DB. WASs react to that in many different ways. Some will reach out and try to "reconnect" (but only to manipulate, not to really R). Some will get angry (see mtb's threads, his WW reacted much like your H).

Likely he knows that sadness and anger appeal to your Nice Girl Syndrome. And it does, since you are having these pangs of 'reaching out to show him you are still open to doing things with him'. And when this doesn't work he will start throwing D threats at you, again. Playing on your fear of D.

WSs are the epitome of selfish. They will use any tactic at their disposal to try to reestablish control over the LBS. Why? Because they want their cake (family, stability the MR provides) and eat it to (running around acting like single person, As, etc).

[kech]

Ok that makes sense. Blows my mind he would really be willing to start the divorce stuff out of anger. Its such a HUGE thing, and he is just willing to go into it rather then try to figure out WHAT hes so mad about. Im hoping the anger means he still cares, but someone who cares about you doesnt treat you this way. I cant wrap my head around why he came here Friday and was actually pleasant for the first time in a week and then yesterday was just absolutely atrocious to me. And he knows it!

And just 1 week and 2 days ago he was texting me how sorry he is about how hes handled all of this and hes so sad and this all and wanting to be around me. Im a broken record, but its just my confusion and need to try to figure it out, when its something that clearly cant be figured out because its his mind, not mine.

I had a good 10 minute cry today. I felt like I could literally feel the pain in my chest from how hard this all is and how hard its going to continue to be discussing Divorce. ughhhhh

[SteveLW]

Wait. Back the train up. You are not separating his words from his deeds. All he has done so far is talk. Let me reword your paragraph:

Ok that makes sense. Blows my mind he would really be willing to talk about starting the divorce stuff out of anger. Its such a HUGE thing, and he is just willing to talk about doing it rather then try to figure out WHAT hes so mad about. Im hoping the anger means he still cares, but someone who cares about you doesnt treat you this way. I cant wrap my head around why he came here Friday and was actually pleasant for the first time in a week and then yesterday was just absolutely atrocious to me. And he knows it!

See? Talk is talk. Walk is walk.

He is talking to scare you. And it is working. He is being mean to scare you, and it is working. He is gaslighting you (alternating nice and mean) to scare you, and it is working.

Notice, you cannot control the first half of those last 3 sentences.....but the second half of each of them is well within your control. Stop letting his WORDS scare you.

Now, even if he suddenly grows the follow-through gene and files and presents you with papers....THAT STILL SHOULDN'T SCARE YOU. That is what talking to a lawyer is about. AND it is how you turn the tables on him.

H: "Here are the D papers for you to look over."
Kech: "Ok, I will have my lawyer look them over as soon as I find time."

Now guess who will be scared by words?!? See how this works?

[SteveLW]

Kech, I don't ask everyone this but since you went to church yesterday...do you pray? You should. You should start praying at least 3 times a day (when you wake up, midday, and when you go to bed). Start a nighttime ritual of saying bedtime prayers with your D.

And then throughout the day, anytime you feel weak and anxious....pray. I did this in my sitch. At work we have a prayer room. I would go into there anytime I felt anxiety and pray my guts out to God. No better medicine in the world.

[kech]

Thanks Steve, thats very helpful. They are just words, I guess its just that since he scheduled a week for us to discuss it and then brought up printing out paperwork yesterday, I feel like he is actually going to follow through on it.

I do pray, usually sporadically but I will start to be more frequent. I wish I was one of those types of people that could keep a positive mind and focus my energy into the things I WANT to happen, rather than the things im afraid will happen. But my mind is programmed to prepare myself. So its like I focus on all the possible horrible outcomes so that I am prepared when they happen.

In June when I told him we couldnt live together and he needed to move out, he was guilt ridden. He couldnt handle it, he knew he was in the wrong and he was so sad and would tell me he has never been so scared in his life and was afraid that I would want a divorce, etc. He kept asking me for reassurance that I didnt want one. And he was very open that he didnt want one. 3 months later and everytime he is angry, HE throws divorce at me. And this is the most angry and mean I think he has ever been towards me over a period of time.

His comment about my orders not being work and being a hobby, it was just such an odd comment. And thats fine if its a hobby, I have a full time job and then I have a "hobby" on the side where I make things for people. It doesnt bother me that he feels the need to say "its a hobby not work" but it was like he was saying that to just be mean, and I dont really understand the point behind that..And then to later say for me to find somewhere else to sleep and he would handle the baby for the night..? I truthfully dont know where his mind is right now. It is beyond strange.

Also his text about going out of town next weekend. That is something that just 2-3 weeks ago would have absolutely upset me and I would have questioned him most likely. But now that he isnt living here, I would not question him on that and I dont know if that was a test or if he was truly just giving me a heads up. I dont know. It just feels like lately hes just dropping bombs on me left and right and im not sure why or if its just the luck of the draw. But I am starting to feel like at this point, any bombs he drops on me about his whereabouts and his time, I dont feel as affected by. I only feel affected by the baby, so him telling me he wants to take her somewhere, or him telling me he wants her for an extended amount of time, things like that affect me. But him and his own time and what he is choosing to do with it, feel much less important to me. At least today!

[ovrrnbw]

Kech,

you and Steve dissected things pretty well. All I can say is that you need to learn to trust yourself, your eyes, your eyes, your brain. You knew all of this - and that is my main point. YOU are capable of this and strong enough to turn it around, but it does help to have support to figure it out.

Keep on working.