You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thank you for posting that. It reminded me to look for a more detailed summary of the Stockdale Paradox.
Quote
Niall Doherty sums up the Stockdale Paradox, which he learned about in the book Good to Great, the result of a long-term research project into companies that succeed by Jim Collins:
The Stockdale Paradox is named after admiral Jim Stockdale, who was a United States military officer held captive for eight years during the Vietnam War. Stockdale was tortured more than twenty times by his captors, and never had much reason to believe he would survive the prison camp and someday get to see his wife again. And yet, as Stockdale told Collins, he never lost faith during his ordeal: “I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”
Then comes the paradox: While Stockdale had remarkable faith in the unknowable, he noted that it was always the most optimistic of his prisonmates who failed to make it out of there alive. “They were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”
What the optimists failed to do was confront the reality of their situation. They preferred the ostrich approach, sticking their heads in the sand and hoping for the difficulties to go away. That self-delusion might have made it easier on them in the short-term, but when they were eventually forced to face reality, it had become too much and they couldn’t handle it.
Stockdale approached adversity with a very different mindset. He accepted the reality of his situation. He knew he was in hell, but, rather than bury his head in the sand, he stepped up and did everything he could to lift the morale and prolong the lives of his fellow prisoners. He created a tapping code so they could communicate with each other. He developed a milestone system that helped them deal with torture. And he sent intelligence information to his wife, hidden in the seemingly innocent letters he wrote.
Collins and his team observed a similar mindset in the good-to-great companies. They labeled it the Stockdale Paradox and described it like so:
You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
For me, the Stockdale Paradox carries an important lesson in personal development, a lesson in faith and honesty: Never doubt that you can achieve your goals, no matter how lofty they may be and no matter how many critics and naysayers you may have. But at the same time, always take honest stock of your current situation. Don’t lie to yourself for fear of short-term embarrassment or discomfort, because such deception will only come back to defeat you in the end.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
That’s great. I think at the beginning, after BD, I was doing the ostrich approach. I was pregnant and I would say “by Christmas we will be out of this. By the time the baby is here we will be better. When the baby gets here we will become better” and so on.
Now I do believe I am in absolute hell and I need to try the Stockdale paradox because I need to keep faith while facing this hell.
I keep reminding myself of what Ready2change said, the hard way is most likely the right way. I feel like I’m going through such an awful situation. And for the last year I’ve been avoiding this situation. I would let him come back and live at home with us because it made me feel better. I knew all along It was wrong. I knew I needed to tell him to leave and I needed to put myself through that hell because it would eventually get me to a better place, with or without him. But I couldn’t ever do it. I would jump at the first opportunity to have him come stay the night or just be here or spend time with us. and then have him come back and live here with us and I’d tell myself it was better for us to do that, but deep down I knew it was just letting him have his cake and eat it too.
And now I’m sticking to this for the first time ever and his anger is enough to push me over the edge. He’s manipulating every situation. Whether purposely or just out of anger or what, he’s making it like I’m the bad guy and everything is happening to him. But I am going to prevail someway somehow, and hopefully in a marriage with him.
I do have a question. I’d like to prep a bit. I haven’t heard from him today, and I’m fine with that and will be fine if I don’t at all. But how long do I put up with his rude worded texts? Do I just continue ignoring the tone? He flips things and it’s really upsetting me and it’s almost as if he is getting away with laying blame on me I do not deserve.
For instance, I have made it abundantly clear that he is welcome to come here to see daughter as often as he wants. And last week he texts me and says “what are you doing with OUR daughter this weekend”.. he is constantly making it like I am in someway hindering his time with her, when I most definitely am not and have not. And it feels as though when he skips nights coming to see her, he tries to make it like it’s my fault he does that, when really he skips out of convenience for himself and since I am not focusing on him, I do not reach out to him to see if he will be coming, etc. (as we still don’t have a schedule in place).
But what I’m getting at, for example, if he doesn’t come tonight or reach out to me at all, and then contacts me tomorrow with a rude text with something like “can I see my daughter tonight” or somehow insinuating he missed time because of me; how do you suggest I handle it? Do I just continue completely ignoring his Angry tone and answer his questions as if I don’t notice he’s being rude or do I say something in regards to how he continues to treat me? I’m thinking you’ll tell me to ignore it, that he’s baiting me. I just don’t know how long I let it continue.
He flips things and it’s really upsetting me and it’s almost as if he is getting away with laying blame on me I do not deserve.
He is laying it on you. We know he's wrong, but he doesn't. BUT: he's only getting away with it if you let him.
Originally Posted by kech
I’m thinking you’ll tell me to ignore it, that he’s baiting me.
I'm trying to think of what the experts would say. I'm not sure if ignore is the right word. But can you respond in a way that shows him, and shows YOU, that his strong words don't cut you as deeply as he wants them to? Have you tried it, and if so, what effect did it have? If it works, do it more. If it doesn't work, do it less.
I think everyone knows how hard it is to resist the urge to respond a certain way when someone we know and love does something to us. As a person who has not always been good at controlling his emotions, I can tell you it's not easy. But each time you do it, you get a little bit better at it...
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
He flips things and it’s really upsetting me and it’s almost as if he is getting away with laying blame on me I do not deserve.
He is laying it on you. We know he's wrong, but he doesn't. BUT: he's only getting away with it if you let him.
That’s kind of what I’m asking, how do I not let him get away with it if I’m trying to ignore his attitude and tone?
It’s kind of all one in the same in our sitch. Or at least how he’s being.
All I’ve said to him regarding the way he is treating me was last week and I said “is there a reason you’re being like this to me?” And he said he isn’t being mean to me but that he’s upset with me and has nothing to say to me and that we should stick to only communicating about our daughter like I told him..
And everyone in here said I shouldn’t have even asked him that, which I shouldn’t have. I’m just curious if I should acknowledge the tone and rudeness in a different way or just continue ignoring it. If I should acknowledge it suggestions are welcome. If I should ignore it I will continue doing so.
Save all correspondence. Consult your lawyer about if there is any other way he wants you to document it. Likely in custody court he'll try to claim you kept him away from her. This is why you need a lawyer. Badly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
All correspondence is saved and I will be consulting lawyer. Just curious if I should respond stating that I have not stood in his way of seeing daughter, and I will not. Or do I just ignore his comments and keep being the lighthouse and not giving into his attitude
Or like on a night like tonight, where I haven’t heard from him and he hasn’t shown up, do I text him and say “will you be coming to see her?” Or do I just let it go and not reach out?
