Thank you! I see that you and your wife are around the same age as myself and my husband. Comforting to know Im not alone in this with a newer marriage (3 years this November). Never thought id be here after 9 years together and only 3 years married.
Its funny when I think to myself that I know what I am doing in this whole DBing thing and I feel like im doing good and then I get these urges to text him and invite him to things or do something nice for him. I may have been doing half versions of DBing all along this past year, but with my own downfalls peppered throughout and I am sure I came off as all over the map. I would do a really good job not responding to things and ignoring things, but then id get an urge to see him and send a text as if all was well or something. I dont know, but I thank God for this forum and for people like Steve who have stopped me in following through with those latest urges of reaching out to him. because I think prior to this I probably would have, and wouldnt have realized that it could completely derail my hard work. And Ive been at this 3 weeks I think, and hard work is an under statement. I cant even believe how hard it is actually. Especially with this anger he is showing and all I want to do is ask him whats wrong and how we can fix it.
I feel liek with my GAL and all of this, my H is definitely under the impression I am seeing someone else. He said it to me last week during a tirade of angry texts, I posted on here, and then him telling me last night to stay somewhere else. I just feel like he may truly think I have met someone else, and I absolutely have not. And I dont think I necessarily want him to think that. And I really dont know how in his right mind he could think ive had time! But I just have a feeling that may be something he is thinking. Who knows.
Thanks for telling me you think I can turn this around and to trust myself. Something I used to do so much of, and have lost in this last year of limbo. Rebuilding ME one day at a time thats for sure!
I feel liek with my GAL and all of this, my H is definitely under the impression I am seeing someone else. He said it to me last week during a tirade of angry texts, I posted on here, and then him telling me last night to stay somewhere else. I just feel like he may truly think I have met someone else, and I absolutely have not. And I dont think I necessarily want him to think that. And I really dont know how in his right mind he could think ive had time! But I just have a feeling that may be something he is thinking. Who knows.
Being mysterious with GAL is a GOOD thing. That is one of the side benefits of GAL, the WAS thinks, oh no, I may be losing her to someone else! That works to your advantage. Do not state emphatic denials. When he brings is up, just validate. (read the validation thread). "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Do not get into a back and forth, accusation-denial scenario.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ok thanks Steve. Going to head to the validation thread now. But if that is part of the reason he is so angry and talking about fast tracking the divorce, wouldn’t I want him to know I have continued being loyal to the marriage or no?
I don't have any celebrity status, I can assure you that! In fact I didn't even have the courage or strength to post here right after BD, and so I commend all of you here that are willing to put yourselves out there and share your vulnerabilies. I think I am more an example of someone who took a long time to start following the rules and I have an H that returned nonetheless. I actually think he would have anyways, and that is important to note because there are some of us (many) who DB very well and for a long time and their S unfortunately never returns. There are also cases (like mine) where we didn't do a good job and the S still does return. We have a lot less control than we might think we do.
I am sorry you are still struggling so much. I can completely relate to that. You read IMO as I felt back 4 years ago. I appreciate all your posters and the advice you are getting. I am just concerned because I feel like some of you are losing site of the bigger picture. You are still completely focused on him and his every action. Please read my last post again: this doesn't serve you at all and it only holds you back. You are saying that you "DB well" in the sense that you are acting pleasantly detached in your interactions with him, however that is really not what is most important. What is important is YOU.
The most important thing is that you are learning to stop-thought, are letting go of your unhealthy attachment to him, and that you are putting yourself and your daughter's needs first. You need to take a giant step back and simply start to accept the reality, even if it hurts: he is leaving you, he is having an affair, and there is nothing you can do to stop him or win him back. It seems your only focus right now is if you can show him you are detached (when you are not) and you continue to try and find meaning in everything he does and says. You cannot measure success right now. It takes a LOOONNNNGGG time to get results because he is on his own path. It can be many months or even years. We cannot measure this or know this now. He is on his own path. You want to control that (by showing him you are letting go) and that is not the point.
So please stop torturing yourself. And no, he is not gaslighting you or doing things to affect you. That is ridiculous. Gaslighting means to intentionally manipulate someone as a form of cruelty. He is not doing anything to you intentionally: he is not processing his actions or even trying to measure the affect on you. He is more than likely in crisis mode and you are responding in a way that is further confusing to him, thus fueling his anger. Look, his focus right now is not on you or on your M at all. He is trying to avoid and escape his M. Most likely his focus is on running away and pursuing some fantasyland with OW or simply his desired freedom. It sounds like he may have some issues with drinking too and that is concerning too.
I have to run back to work. Please, please stop thinking about him and what/why he is doing. You will never win and it is only delaying your healing and actually being able to start a detachment process. You cannot fake this or trick him. You have to let go, and focus on you, and this has to be real. This could take a long, long time, but you can take a first step now, it is never too late.
A strong and healthy woman does not want a man that lies, cheats and leaves hid family. Please, stop for a moment and let this sink in. Then, start finding your strong and healthy self.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Ok thanks Steve. Going to head to the validation thread now. But if that is part of the reason he is so angry and talking about fast tracking the divorce, wouldn’t I want him to know I have continued being loyal to the marriage or no?
Validating doesn't change the fact hat you have. Or have not. Again, trying to get into a denial of his accusations is fruitless.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am sorry you are still struggling so much. I can completely relate to that. You read IMO as I felt back 4 years ago. I appreciate all your posters and the advice you are getting. I am just concerned because I feel like some of you are losing site of the bigger picture. You are still completely focused on him and his every action. Please read my last post again: this doesn't serve you at all and it only holds you back. You are saying that you "DB well" in the sense that you are acting pleasantly detached in your interactions with him, however that is really not what is most important. What is important is YOU.
MONEY RIGHT HERE. Blu nailed it. I've tried to tell you this on and off for a while now.
DBing is about YOU, not him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you so much for that!! It pains me how right you are. I am So focused on him and everything hes doing and saying, and Steve has certainly told me that more than once. I think that I am SO afraid of this divorce now that hes bringing it up, that I dont feel like I have any time to DB. So I feel like I have to pay attention to every little thing he does in hopes to catch something turning around and working in my favor.
I know Divorce doesnt necessarily mean the end, but it CERTAINLY feels that way. So feeling like ive finally started DBing and am clearly stirring up SOMETHING in him, is discouraging that the time is going to be cut short because his anger is bringing on Divorce.
I do feel like less and less I am focused on what hes doing and saying (especially these mean things being said out of anger) but when he brings the baby into it and threatens the custody issues and pushes things that involve her, it is something that ABSOLUTELY affects me more than ANYTHING. It makes all of this feel very dire, very urgent.Like I have to figure out WHY he is so mad so I can fix it and get him to stop bringing her up and bringing up court and custody, etc.
I just want time. I want some time to get used to living apart and not have to worry about everything everyday that he could throw in my direction.
I will try to word my posts more around myself and not about him I guess. Maybe that will help.
I will read over all that asap.... anyone ever feel like they just need hope to keep going?
The hope issue has been discussed here before (in other people's threads, I believe Davide's most recently). The trick is to find the right about of hope. Too much hope will trip you up. Too little hope and you give up. You have to find the right level of hope that will keep you wanting to DB, but not so much that you are a sucker for his temp checking, word, and even actions.
IE, the lighthouse. The lighthouse doesn't move. It doesn't actively save anyone. It just stands solid and sure on the shore shining the light home....but it is up to the vessel to navigate to the harbor. If there was no hope then lighthouse would just shutdown the light since it would be fruitless to continue shining. But there is always hope the vessel will see the light, want to be rescued, and navigate into the harbor.....on its own time of course.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, well said! I do feel like the lighthouse, but what if he is under the impression that I am not standing here steady for him? What if he is now feeling like I want a divorce? When he said to me last Saturday that we needed to go to court and get divorce done, I said "Agreed. Do what you need to do"....and I Dont agree.
In other words, do I need to say anything to him to let him know I am here standing strong for our marriage, or do I just hope he still knows?
When we have discussion I do plan to tell him this isnt what I want but I wont stop it like I said.
