Husband cheated, left, trying to DB

[burned]

He flips things and it’s really upsetting me and it’s almost as if he is getting away with laying blame on me I do not deserve.

He is laying it on you. We know he's wrong, but he doesn't. BUT: he's only getting away with it if you let him.

That’s kind of what I’m asking, how do I not let him get away with it if I’m trying to ignore his attitude and tone?

I guess maybe I should have asked, what is he getting away with? And what makes you say you're letting him? Is what he's getting away with that his behavior results in you being angry? Or is it just that he is cake eating and treating you like dirt?

[kech]

It feels like he is making choices, like not coming to see his daughter one night for instance, and then makes comments like “am i scheduled to see my daughter tonight?” As if me asking him to schedule times with me is me hindering his time with her, when in reality I’ve made it crystal clear he can see her daily I’d just like to schedule times, and I have not told him no to seeing her. He doesn’t show when it doesn’t work for him, and instead of just accepting that and accepting responsibility for that, he will kind of flip it like it’s on me in a way.

Even when he works late he will text me and say he has to work late, and I KNOW he wants me to tell him he can’t come, and I never do. I always say he can, bc I do not want him placing blame on me because I know that is what he is trying to do. Hopefully that makes sense

[burned]

Or like on a night like tonight, where I haven’t heard from him and he hasn’t shown up, do I text him and say “will you be coming to see her?” Or do I just let it go and not reach out?

If you don't reach out, what would happen? Is it information you need to have?

[LITB]

The ball is in his court if he decides to come over tonight. Let him be a big boy.

As for him being rude and taking out his anger on you, that is where a boundary comes in.

For example, if he is rude over text, respond, "H, I value myself too much to continue being treated rudely/negatively and will not be responding going forward when I am disrespected." He might follow up with a rude text to see how far he can push it.

If it is in person, respond, "H, I value myself too much to be continuously being disrespected. Consider our conversation over, because I will excuse myself." Then walk away. You communicated your boundary and then acted on it.

I think it needs to be addressed. Otherwise it will continue. I know I've asked if you have people that can help. You really can't rely on him right now.

[kech]

Or like on a night like tonight, where I haven’t heard from him and he hasn’t shown up, do I text him and say “will you be coming to see her?” Or do I just let it go and not reach out?

If you don't reach out, what would happen? Is it information you need to have?

No I definitely don’t need to have that info, I could careless if he comes honestly. I just meant because that would
Show him I am not the one keeping him from her. He didn’t come tonight and I just don’t want him to turn it around like he didn’t come for any reason other than he’s clearly busy with other things and he CHOSE not to come.

But it’s almost 8pm now and the baby is about to go to sleep so I’m not reaching out. My main question is do I acknowledge his attitude he will undoubtedly have with me tomorrow, as if in some way I’ve hindered his time with her, when he so clearly didn’t show up tonight, but will manage to somehow lay the blame in my lap.

[burned]

Do the DB pros have ideas about how to validate and set boundaries at the same time? "H, I know it's important to you to spend time with your baby. I understand that when I ask you to be specific about WHEN you'll want to spend time with her, it makes you feel that I'm being controlling/difficult/etc. However, it's important for children to have regular, positive, and predictable interactions with their parents, and the inconsistency with which you have been visiting may not be ideal for our child. Therefore, I would like for you to tell me if and when you will be coming by. If you don't, I will assume that you aren't coming by at all."

I dunno, something like that?

Edit: then grab a notebook and start keeping track. Monday: texted him at 8 to ask when he would like to see his daughter. Went to bed at 9 and didn't hear from him. Tuesday: he texted to ask to spend time with her. I responded that he is welcome to come over whenever.

Then you have data to work with. "You never let me see her!" "No, H, here's a list of the days when I encouraged you to come see her, but, because you didn't respond, you were not able to see her."

[kech]

Burned, that’s pretty great! You sound like a pro!

I wish I didn’t feel like I have to be so ahead of myself. I wish I could kind of just sit back and take things as they come. He is, why can’t I? He’s not all stressed out worrying about this. I am because I’m constantly afraid for the next bomb to drop.

I want to just breathe, enjoy my days as much as I can without constantly feeling like I have to ready myself for what he’s going to say next that makes my stomach flip a million times.

I just heard on tv someone say “life can bring you to your knees. But if you get back up, you will always find love.” Interesting and so true I’m sure. I hope the love I find is with my husband. But I can’t do that alone.

Litb, thank you again. You’re right. I think I need to address the constant disrespect. I just also feel like it will get me nowhere.

I just wish I could stop worrying so much about what he’s going to hurt me with next. I feel like I can get through not having him, I can make it through that. It’s the fear of when the next shoe will drop and bring me to my knees all over again. I don’t want to discuss custody with him, I want us to figure out our daughter and her schedule for now and when Agents turns a year we can revisit it if he has his own place etc. I’d like to get his word on that and him STICK to it. Bc he hasn’t stuck to any of his other words

Maybe I need a breather. Just see where he takes it and let go and let God.

[LITB]

Litb, thank you again. You’re right. I think I need to address the constant disrespect. I just also feel like it will get me nowhere.

Help me understand that you feel it will get you nowhere?

[kech]

I feel like it will only make him angrier and he will just continue.

[LITB]

The boundary is to protect you from his behavior. Unfortunately without placing boundaries, you are enabling his behavior. I was an enabler and it prolonged my sitch. I was part of the problem.

If you read back through your threads, you will see how obsessed you are with his anger and why he is so disrespectful to you. I hate to be so blunt, but one of the reasons, is because you allow it.

Even in your response to me, you made it about him. If he doesn't have to face any consequences, he doesn't have a whole lot of motivation to change.

You do have choices in this.