kech, most of the time you should ignore it. I would ignore the passive-aggressive stuff. Like him not saying goodbye, etc.
I think LITB is saying do not tolerate DISRESPECTFUL or ABUSIVE behavior. When he gets blatantly disrespectful or abusive then stop him and tell him he is welcome to come see his D but that you will not tolerate being disrespected. Again, this is for blatant disrespect. That he isn't talkative or "ignores" you, I wouldn't address that at all.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ya, I think I have been obsessing over his anger so much because it just affects me more than I wish It did. He texted me this morning and asked what days work for me this week. I said to him any day will work if we just discuss it and that I was surprised not to see him yesterday. He responded asking if he told me he would be there yesterday. I said
No, but you have stated you would like to come daily, so I wasnt sure.
He then said that he hurt his neck at work and went back to best friends house to sleep.
I responded "I hope your neck is okay. If you want to tell me what works for you this week, I can make sure it fits on my end. And I appreciated the heads up about you going out of town this weekend."
H: Im not going out of town. W:ok sounds good H: So I can watch her whenever W:Ok. So for this week if certain days dont work, please let me know. Otherwise, send over a ballpark on time for today. H: Around 6:30
Trying to be assertive with scheduling of daughter while communicating in a polite and respectful way. Really would like him to see the anger is unnecessary when we can just work together in our daughters best interest for now.
Feeling a lot of backtracking today in my heart. Feeling sad for some reason that I never heard from him yesterday, and just sad about where our relationship is and how have we gotten here. Scared that this new relationship he has started with OW will be fulfilling for him and he will never even have a chance to miss me. Patience, I need to remember that.
Going to leave when he gets there tonight, like normal. Just not feeling as good today as I thought I would be. Thanks everyone for all the help!
I don't have any celebrity status, I can assure you that! In fact I didn't even have the courage or strength to post here right after BD, and so I commend all of you here that are willing to put yourselves out there and share your vulnerabilies. I think I am more an example of someone who took a long time to start following the rules and I have an H that returned nonetheless. I actually think he would have anyways, and that is important to note because there are some of us (many) who DB very well and for a long time and their S unfortunately never returns. There are also cases (like mine) where we didn't do a good job and the S still does return. We have a lot less control than we might think we do.
I am sorry you are still struggling so much. I can completely relate to that. You read IMO as I felt back 4 years ago. I appreciate all your posters and the advice you are getting. I am just concerned because I feel like some of you are losing site of the bigger picture. You are still completely focused on him and his every action. Please read my last post again: this doesn't serve you at all and it only holds you back. You are saying that you "DB well" in the sense that you are acting pleasantly detached in your interactions with him, however that is really not what is most important. What is important is YOU.
The most important thing is that you are learning to stop-thought, are letting go of your unhealthy attachment to him, and that you are putting yourself and your daughter's needs first. You need to take a giant step back and simply start to accept the reality, even if it hurts: he is leaving you, he is having an affair, and there is nothing you can do to stop him or win him back. It seems your only focus right now is if you can show him you are detached (when you are not) and you continue to try and find meaning in everything he does and says. You cannot measure success right now. It takes a LOOONNNNGGG time to get results because he is on his own path. It can be many months or even years. We cannot measure this or know this now. He is on his own path. You want to control that (by showing him you are letting go) and that is not the point.
So please stop torturing yourself. And no, he is not gaslighting you or doing things to affect you. That is ridiculous. Gaslighting means to intentionally manipulate someone as a form of cruelty. He is not doing anything to you intentionally: he is not processing his actions or even trying to measure the affect on you. He is more than likely in crisis mode and you are responding in a way that is further confusing to him, thus fueling his anger. Look, his focus right now is not on you or on your M at all. He is trying to avoid and escape his M. Most likely his focus is on running away and pursuing some fantasyland with OW or simply his desired freedom. It sounds like he may have some issues with drinking too and that is concerning too.
I have to run back to work. Please, please stop thinking about him and what/why he is doing. You will never win and it is only delaying your healing and actually being able to start a detachment process. You cannot fake this or trick him. You have to let go, and focus on you, and this has to be real. This could take a long, long time, but you can take a first step now, it is never too late.
A strong and healthy woman does not want a man that lies, cheats and leaves hid family. Please, stop for a moment and let this sink in. Then, start finding your strong and healthy self.
Blu
Please reread Blu's post.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, "I hurt my neck at work so went to best friend's house to sleep" = "I decided to spend the night with the OW because she was starting to squawk about my lack of being around so I had to appease her."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
kech, most of the time you should ignore it. I would ignore the passive-aggressive stuff. Like him not saying goodbye, etc.
I think LITB is saying do not tolerate DISRESPECTFUL or ABUSIVE behavior. When he gets blatantly disrespectful or abusive then stop him and tell him he is welcome to come see his D but that you will not tolerate being disrespected. Again, this is for blatant disrespect. That he isn't talkative or "ignores" you, I wouldn't address that at all.
Steve is right. This is exactly what I was trying to convey.
Kech, we have been suggesting to consult with an attorney to get your ducks in a row. Do you plan on doing it? What are your thoughts?
Last edited by LITB; 09/18/1804:46 PM.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Yes I do. I am in the process of getting attorney info from my boss, he is supposed to be emailing me. I will set up a consult. I do not know if I will tell my H about that during our discussion or not. As Blu mentioned to me before, dont give him any ammunition. And I would rather not give him anything he can turn on me. But I do think that for MYSELF, speaking to a lawyer may make me feel much better, at least knowing my rights as a mother and where I stand with that, as that is my biggest concern.
Truthfully, I think I am being lied to constantly by him. And that is fine. As sad as I am to not have him as my partner right now, I would like us to just let the dust settle, live apart, have our own lives, and see how we feel. And I hope that is something he will be on board with. Maybe living apart for 6 months without doing the Divorce and reconvening then to see where we are. But he may not agree to that if he is still as mad as he has been. We will see I guess. I am not bringing anything up until he does and I will go from there.
But yes, in the meantime I plan to see a lawyer. Again, I am against us divorcing AT ALL and would like to continue fighting for my marriage. But knowledge will help me feel better.
Good deal. I think it will be a relief after learning your rights.
Like you, I am pro-marriage. I do hope it works out for you and your H. Unfortunately, the only way to the other side of this hell, is through it.
At the moment, do not let him know that you are seeing a lawyer. Perhaps like what Steve has suggested when he gives you the papers and you let him know that you will get back to him after your lawyer reviews them. That will be a rude awakening.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I wish I could pinpoint why I am so afraid of giving him rude awakenings. Its like I feel like if I put my foot down about something or if I say something that will anger him, I feel like hes going to just make this so much worse. like everytime I call him out on something, he will say to me "I want the baby next saturday all day"..out of anger because he knows that really gets to me.
He has never taken the baby somewhere by himself, and I am not opposed to it, it is just something we need to schedule. So he will throw that at me. Or just anything involving the baby really, he will throw at me the MINUTE I say something he doesnt want to hear. So rather then give him the opportunity to upset me, I try to kind of just keep things at an even keel while his emotions are so heightened like they are right now. I guess I am just trying to say very little and let him do all the talking. Unless it comes to the baby and then I assert myself, like I did this morning discussing scheduling. My texts to him were longer than they have been in weeks, but it is because I want him to see I want to schedule days ahead of time so we can both know, instead of him just picking and choosing.
When we were a NORMAL couple, I didnt care at all about any of this. Because I trusted him and I knew if we argued it would always be ok. Now I dont trust him at all. And I am afraid if I piss him off, he will manipulate the situation. I would rather let him have his way and say whatever he wants to say, and me just suck it up than me have to worry about him being ludacris about daughters schedule and randomly stating he wants her for an entire day somewhere else, etc.
We have had countless discussions where I have asked him to please stop doing that, getting angry and stating "I WANT THE BABY TOMORROW ALL DAY", and he has promised he would, and he still continuously does it everytime he is upset over something. like me saying show me your phone or leave. After he left he immediately texted me that he wanted her 2 days later for the entire day....after our first official separation in April, when daughter was 6 weeks old, and the day after we separated husband went and stayed with OW and her kids and she put a picture in his truck on fb and I saw it, I confronted him, he said hes free to do what he wants, and then said he wanted the baby for the day 2 days later for the entire day. He does it everytime hes upset he is caught and uses it to hurt me. And it works. And if i say no then I become the bad guy, but im being put in these horrible situations. Its just hurtful. So to avoid that, I try to keep the peace as far as things I say being a trigger, etc. Because some things just arent worth it to me. Now if he continues disrespecting me, absolutely I will speak up. But as you said, silence or saying little isnt disrespectful. His comment about my work being a hobby was rude, but I dont care about that.
In our M i would say comments or ask questions that I KNEW would get under his skin and bother him. But I felt like I needed more info than he would give me because he was a man of few words from time to time and I like to have a plan in place or know situations. So its basically things like that, that I have learned to stop doing. No questions when not in regards to daughter, no follow up questions when he decides to talk to me about his life (which he hasnt in over a week), no additional comments that I know will annoy him, just being the girl I was when we met almost. Standoffish, nice, let him come to me. But now with a baby in the mix. And the anger he has started showing just really throws off MY plan, and I guess thats where I get upset. Its like im afraid hes going to see me negatively now that hes mad, and I dont know why hes mad so I cant fix it. And if hes mad because he cant live with us, then he needs to get ovr that.
AGain, this is all about him and i need to stop. Back to work.
