Your H is like the schoolyard bully taking some classmates money. You are the classmate. Instead of standing up for yourself, you give him your money to keep the peace. He will continue to be a bully and take advantage of you until you take a stand.
When the classmate takes a stand, even if he/she gets whooped, generally respect is earned.
He is taking advantage of your kindness. Conflict avoidance is an unhealthy way to deal with problems. It just allows the problems to continue to become bigger.
There was a very active member here, by the username Starsky309 I believe. He was one of my favorite members. I really liked his approach. He shared is sitch at some point, but I was unable to find it. He dropped the hammer and his sitch turned around quickly if my memory serves me correctly.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Oh really?? So he was stuck being nice and then one day stood up for himself and things changed?
I will try to find his posts. I will continue to ignore the little petty things like you guys have suggested, but I will stick up for myself if blatant disrespect is shown. Not quite sure yet what I would say, but hopefully it will be DB approved.
Oh really?? So he was stuck being nice and then one day stood up for himself and things changed?
He wasn't stuck on being nice. He literally dropped the hammer immediately.
I was more like you in being nice. Just wanted to see a contrasting approach by referring you to his thread.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I most definitely did not drop the hammer immediately or ever I guess. But that is amazing how well he stood his ground and laid down the law. I am going to have to take a page out of his book.
I have read it is better to keep things between us, as not to involve family members (I think thats one of Sandi's rules) but I have heard that exposing works for many people. At this point, my H sees himself as unmarried I think, and thats how he justifies what he is doing. And i know the OW very much sees herself (or saw herself last Saturday) as in a relationship with him. I have not looked at her social media or anything since then. It is too upsetting to me so I have removed myself from all of that.
I am not snooping at all, and I think it helps me feel better day to day. WAY too much anxiety involved in knowing I might find something that could absolutely devastate me. I lived that way for the last year, checking fb constantly of the first OW, I cannot put myself through that again. Literally debilitating to my days. It was horrendous. Never any pics of H, but just words and things i knew she was talking about him. Enough to literally make me vomit daily from it. It was such an awful time and I dont ever want to put myself through that again with this new OW, so I hve not been on FB since finding out.
I will not live in an open marriage either. So I guess we will see where the divorce discussion goes. I think I will read Starkys post a few more times and get some motivation. But I know not to lift a finger in divorce sitch. Let him handle it if he wants it, etc.
I only have a few minutes. I see that you are still spinning. I agree that you should get some advice from an L. There are plenty of Family Attys that will give you a free consultation. Maybe instead of seeing this as an emotional meeting or an end to your M, try and flip your perspective and view this as simply information and empowerment. You need information and you certainly need to get some power back! It is time you flip the script! Trust me, it will feel better, not worse. So make a very specific list of questions you have. Start pulling your resources and find some Attys that will give you a free consultation and then you make the hour as productive as possible! Do not waste that precious time to talk about your sadness or frustration and do not let them sell you on their services. And if you are paying for the hour, all the more reason to use that time wisely. Just go down the list with questions quickly and jot quick notes down as they answer.
I think one of the reasons you are struggling is because you are having so many interactions with him and it is occupying your every thought. I think it is time to put an end to that. This may also help you get some power back too. Of course when we have children we all want to see them every day. The reality is that when most people go through a separation or divorce, they lose that. It is one of the natural consequences and one he will need to face also. I don't understand why he needs to see her every day. I also don't see any reason why he thinks he can call or text you whenever he feels like it and why you allow him to engage you in these conversations, where he can further treat you crummy and vent at you. Stop allowing this. You are worth more than that. It is a distraction for you and he is basically doing whatever he wants and coming/going seeing her most evenings and interrupting your life. This should stop today. Put your foot down. And no, you don't need to worry about what a judge will think. Most of them do not spend much time on the he said/she said during a D process! Have you thought about emailing him and making things crystal clear so there is no need for him to call or text you at all? This is interrupting your life and preventing you from grieving.
You can start by emailing him in a business format and letting him know this current situation is not working, you would like to put a clear schedule in writing, that he can see her X days (ie every other day), give him a specific time frame, let him know that any other communication can happen in advanced and by email only, and that text/call should be reserved for emergencies only. Give him some choices in the matter. Instead of worrying about how he will react, start taking care of yourself and end this petty drama. Take care of you and stop worrying about him.
I am also wondering if your attempt at acting pleasantly detached is coming across as just that: acting. It is a normal response to be upset and angry when an H has an A and leaves his family. If you are going out of your way to seem "nice" in an attempt to DB, it may not be working. I don't necessarily agree with this approach myself. I definitely did not do this. I think detachment needs to start first, by creating space and setting boundaries for yourself, before just pretending you are cool with how things are going. You are not cool with it! It is obvious you are stressed and devastated (understandably), so it is unlikely he just believes that you are fine with the current sitch as it is. Not that I care what he thinks at all, but he may think you are being fake and playing games, and that may lead to him being more nasty to you. I happen to think you should just be yourself, create as much time away from him as you possibly can and limit all communication, gather support so you can grieve the end of the M, and really really focus on your own needs right now. I have not seen this yet.
Lastly, you want him back and it's not reasonable. We all did, but please try and see this for what it is. You are pining for the man he used to be or the man you think he could be. That is not reality. That is all of us and what makes this so, so hard! You have to actually grieve that this M is over and find some good support for yourself. Are you in counseling? Do you have close friends and family you can cry to? I did this several times a day. DBing isn't about tricking the S back into the M. It is about self discovery and letting go of a toxic relationship. Yes, it's not easy, and we all struggled with it! But you have got to start somewhere. ... I thought I wanted my H back too. Now, I can tell you, I DID NOT WANT HIM BACK, but I was actually afraid and clinging to what I had had before. The reality was that he lied, he cheated, and he broke up our family. No woman with a shred of confidence wants a man like that! So I had to let him and the idea of him go and I had to find my confidence. It was hard, but I knew in my gut that I deserved better than that. I think you do too.
You know why I took my H back? Because when he came to me, he showed me a different man. He was remorseful, deeply ashamed, and he was committed to doing what it took to make the M work again. It's been several years and he hasn't wavered in that. I know I am a lucky one, but it's still hard as ever. If you told me now that I could still have had him back without all of that, I would say "no way, not ever!"
I think you need to take a big step back and start over. You can do this.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu, Youre right. I feel all over the place. I feel like I am trying to find answers in everything im reading and im kind of getting scattered and not really sure which way to go. Part of me thinks to go with my instincts and just be myself and handle this how I feel I should, but thats what ive been doing for a year and obviously it isnt working. So I need to take what ive learned in DBing, and also be myself in my interactions with him a bit more, not such an act. I was doing this perfectly a week ago. I was actively putting down boundaries with him, but I was being very calm and myself around him in person. A few days of that and he was texting me how sorry he was about everything hes done and how he wishes he handled things differently and he hated leaving home, etc. I felt like I was REALLY finally feeling okay and he was starting to come around in turn. And then I found out about OW the next day and it all went to sh*t. And now ive just been trying to be nice to get him out of this anger, and its not working. And Steve on here has told me I have to stop the niceness.
Man is this hard. I want to be myself, but myself wouldnt be leaving the house every night when he comes. And myself wouldnt be thinking about every single thing I do and say to him. And myself wouldnt be thinking for hours afterward about every word he said. Its just crazy. I want to be myself. I am at the point where I wish I hadnt brought up knowing about the OW last week, because we were in such a great place that felt like it was getting better, and I lost all momentum with that. Icant even remember how I handled things in our relationship anymore. Its like I cant get my mind there. I dont know what all I put up with and what I didnt. Ive tried to make such changes since BD, I dont even know who I am anymore or what works and what doesnt.
Ive truly thought all along that my H would come back to our M. I have truly ALWAYS felt like he will wake up and realize what he is losing. But I am beginning to think that will not be the case. He is seeing a pretty great version of me right now and all it does is make him angry. Angry that I made changes once he was half way out the door. Angry that I wear different clothes now. Angry that im GAL. Angry that I wont let him live at home and have his cake. Angry that I know about OW. Angry that I am nice. Angry when I dont respond. Angry that I exist.
I just am at a point where I really dont know what I can even do and I cant really measure what has and hasnt worked. Its all jumbled. I guess I will start with a beginners mind somehow. I dont know. Im afraid if we go days without communicating, he is just going to grow closer and closer to OW. I know Im not supposed to worry about her or about him. but man how in the world do you do that?
Ill keep moving forward. Thanks for the continued help!
That's right, you don't know what you can even do, because there is nothing you can do about it.
So what do you do? You just do you. You let him be himself, find himself, or go off the deep end. You have no control over it, and the more pressure you apply the quicker he jumps off the deep end.
I feel like you're progressing well.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
H came over last to see baby. He was pleasant to me which was a nice change from Sunday. He stated he plans to mow the yard for me as well as finish the carport etc. I thanked him for that and said I appreciate it. He noticed a guitar in a case in the living room and asked whose it was, I told him it was mine (haven’t had it out in a while because my niece borrowed it). He then asked when my niece starts her piano lessons. (He hasn’t asked about something like that in a REALLY long time, so I was pleasantly surprised, and didn’t even realize I had told him about it). I said actually she just started them this week and she’s really good. He said “of course she is!” It felt so unusual to me but in a positive way.
He then told me how he is going to give me money for the mortgage and also for dog to get groomed by some grooming place (I usually just give the dog baths so again I was surprised by this) and that after the dog gets groomed he will take him to the vet for his annual check up, shots, etc. Then he said he is going to pay off his truck and get his own place. I said that’s great and asked if he would be getting a place with someone or alone. He said he hadn’t thought about it yet, and I basically stated I’m glad for but no getting a place with another woman. (Probably shouldn’t have said this, but just felt I needed to say that, as the baby would not be going there if he made a stupid move like that. I’m learning and know this wasn’t the best move, but he didn’t seem to mind). He said “absolutely not, I’ve learned my lesson”. And smiled at me. I made a face and kept playing with the baby.
He then went into the kitchen to make baby’s dinner and said “so what’s up, have you told your family?” Meaning about us. I was caught off guard, but clearly he had planned to ask that bc I could tell he felt a little uncomfortable asking it but wanted to get it out. I said “no I haven’t. Have you told yours?” He said he hadn’t at all and that he hadn’t spoken to his mom in a bit. I was pretty quiet during this exchange and just softly said “before you do, could you let me know”. And he said “I’m not going to until we both want to” and I just said ok. Maybe we can give it some time.
He agreed and went right back to making the baby’s dinner and excitedly talking to the baby. Seemingly happy I hadn’t told my family, of course.
I left after that for a few hours to get out and GAL. While I was gone he sent me 2 pictures of him and the baby.
I am for once not trying to dissect all of this. Not trying to figure out the hidden meanings or why he asked or said anything, bc I know there’s most likely no rhyme or reason. He’s a WS doing and saying as he pleases in the moment and believe none of what they say, less than 50% of what they do right? So I am trying to not think about any of it, just another interaction I believe I handled well for the most part. Now another day begins and I woke up extra early to have some coffee and alone time before the baby wakes up. Hoping to make it a good day for ME.
