Up early again. Maybe another coincidence that I need to do my morning prayers. So I did them. Before that I was in a dream in which I was in a (seemingly) legit massage parlor. I was met by a middle-aged woman who gave me a menu of services. One of the services involved drinking a relaxing tea while cuddling with her. I told her about my sitch and how it's been so long since I've been touched and that I could use some skin to skin contact. She left the room to get ready...and then I woke up. I woke up realizing that it has been months since I have had any skin-to-skin contact. And I'm heartbroken at the thought of having to wait at least many months more. No one knows how much longer I have to endure this. Growth is amazing, and I'm thankful that I am able to accomplish things that I never thought possible, but I would just like a reprieve from this. Whether it's a form of physical affection or something else (safe and healthy), any prolonged distraction so that I can take my mind off of this completely would be wonderful right about now.
My post is screaming "He's desperate." Yep, I know. That's why I'm getting this out here rather in real life.
Anxiety lurking deep. The urge to pursue W is there constantly, some worse than others. The feeling is also a roller coaster ride. I want the companionship. I miss it. I think about calling the provider but then realize almost immediately that it's a bad idea. I toy with the idea of posting a personal ad for a casual encounter, but then I realize that it's also a bad idea. So I'm still stuck in this limbo, but that's to be expected when traversing a journey that is as difficult as this one. I don't know how long I want to stay in this position. I still have a date in mind of finality of my living sitch if I'm still stuck in this limbo. That being said, the slow and calculated steps I'm making with my W is being received fairly well. If I continue to see progress I will move my date further out. But, I also feel that if she is plotting to make OM her future partner, I am going to make my decision sooner. I hope that it does not come to that. I really do not. But I do not control that.
My W is also noticing of my conscious detachment from her. She still asks how I'm doing, but it's not as often. Maybe twice or three times per week. I do not know if she caught on to my plan of letting her go, but I also know that it does not matter because I'm making the changes for me, not her. When I'm GAL without D4, contact is very little. With D4 it's a little more. I take what I can get. Some days are going to be better than others. I just don't want to slide backwards in terms of progress towards R, if that is happening in the background.
I know I'm better off now than I was 50 days ago. I feel it. I'm making the changes to me permanent and it's showing in my thoughts, my behaviors, my attitude, and my actions. I'm starting to be ever more confident in myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm carrying myself as such. I do not know if that will be validated by women who interact with me, but I know the other way of pity and self-sorrow in an attempt for attraction was not working at all.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm physically lonely and I'm craving that mutual touch and the urges to pursue that feeling in hopes of relief is growing daily, but I do not know what constructive way I can get it without consequence (pursuit, risk of issues, harassment, etc.). There has to be a way to vent that frustration safely. There needs to be...right?
However I get out of this, I know I cannot go through this again. The scars of this sitch will last a lifetime. The pain from this will likely never go away. The nightmares will continue.
All because I took the marriage for granted.
Painful, painful lesson. And I'm reminded of the pain constantly.
Is it considered pursuit if I ask W to have a friendly cup of coffee this evening? I will establish the boundary that it's only as a friend and nothing more.
Or should I plan family dates for the time being until I see something more consistent from her?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
