A familiar story with questions VII

[neffer]

You are right RR. It´s a main ingredient to forge our personallity.

We can not proper DB if we have not learnt to love ourselves.

[SteveLW]

So true. Most of the marital problems in my own MR have been caused by either insecurity on my part, her part or both.

[RR17]

Just checking in. Not much has changed, which is a good thing.
I am often reminded that piecing is rarely an event and usually more of a process. How does one know when the process has begun?

[RR17]

Today my youngest is no longer D15, she is now D16. Scary, I know. W and I also just found out that a male friend of hers is more than a male friend. It is all very new and W and I discussed it after dinner last night. There are some boundaries that although they have been in place, need to be reiterated and we are working as a team to plan mitigation.

Along with this Team-building activity, I have noticed a continued moving closer of W. A more consistent attitude that she is on my side and consideration and respect are ongoing. If I happen to make a pointed comment, she defaults to assuming it is made in jest and doesn't feel the need to be defensive. All good stuff.

For those taking notes. I am intentionally continuing to listen and validate much more than I ever did pre-BD. I have begun to tell more of my own stories, but I know not to over-share. As MWD says monitor your success and proceed accordingly.

Still no intimacy. I struggle with whether I should try to initiate or continue to be patient.
I sometimes feel like I am getting signals but perhaps it is my imagination. Advice appreciated.

I also ponder whether there can be piecing without reconciliation. I guess I have thought for a long time that there would be some sort of big R talk and we would both express our desires and intentions and that doesn't seem to be in the cards. Thoughts?

[Rose888]

There was no big R talk in my case. Actions count more than words.

[RR17]

Very true Rose. Thanks for pointing it out. I sometimes forget. A healthy MR would contain both. My W was never a verbal person. Yet since I started DB and validating she seems to yammer on about her day. Not complaining, but it is very different.

Rose888, do you think that the big R talks needs to happen, having gone through this?

[Rose888]

I think it depends. We had several R talks right after BD and we had two counseling sessions. I feel like we each understood each other's concerns and feelings.

We also didn't have an affair in our situation.

Our last big R talk was in counseling, and at that point, H was still angry with me.

We've had short comments about R since then. I think that is sufficient in our case.

[RR17]

Looking for a plan. Should I continue to wait it out or is it my job to progress things?

I won't initiate any R talk, I know that.

[LoneWlf]

I'm not anywhere close to where you are(R). I know you have been in limbo for awhile my suggestion would be to really let it sit and pray about it. Also know that I am with you brother! Blessings!

[lusa]

I am in a very similar position to you and have the same questions.
My advice to you and to myself is remember what you said at the weekend.

I have noticed a continued moving closer of W. A more consistent attitude that she is on my side and consideration and respect are ongoing. If I happen to make a pointed comment, she defaults to assuming it is made in jest and doesn't feel the need to be defensive. All good stuff.

Isn't this hard evidence of continued progress being made?
Your DBing is having an effect.........it just might be taking longer than you first imagined.
Remember patience and the squirrel analogy!