100th post of this thread. I'll end this one on a high note.
Day 57/138:
My trip to Canada is over a week old, but in that week, I have never felt happier and more satisfied with my life right now. My anxiety has gone down tremendously. Call it coincidence. Call it a combination of healthy life choices, fantastic support from my family, friends, counselors, and this forum. Call it time healing my wounds. I'm feeling good about myself. I'm loving myself more. I feel more attractive physically. The weight lifting regimen that I have been religiously following for six weeks and counting is giving me the confidence I have been lacking for a very long time. I carry my confidence everywhere. Shoulders back, heads up, and looking people in the eye when I talk. My W, my friends, my coworkers, everyone. I'm saying "I'm an awesome, confident dude. Look at how awesome I am" with my mannerisms. I'm taking better care of myself. Shaving regularly, tucking in my shirt, cologne, and sharp clothes for the right occasion.
I've been getting in touch with my spiritual roots more. I'm praying 5 times per day and this time, it doesn't feel compulsory. I feel a sense of calm, warmth, and, dare I say it, hope when I pray. I do feel God's healing through me. Something that I have not felt in a very long time.
My job is going great. My boss called me in and commented on my remarkable turnaround in the last 60 days. A little backstory: my 90 day review was atrocious. My boss felt like my skills did not match my salary and I was put on notice that I may see a reduction in pay if I do not step it up. 60 days later, I did not only step it up, I leaped. They are now talking about giving me an earned perk like a company car...which would be a huge accomplishment. My formal 180 day review is in "3-5 weeks". I'm working hard and loving my new job. And my hard work is seeing results.
My R with my parents is getting better. I'm calling my mom daily, which is something I have not done in over 20 years. And it's all been good talk. Talks of hope, and talks of support. My mom has been my support as I deal with my sitch. And that has been key in my healing. My father...it's pretty good, but I can only take so much of him before I need to excuse myself. I am setting boundaries with him and when he encroaches them, I let him know.
D4 relationship is great. She is my starlight. We have a lot of fun when we're together. Then again, it's always been like that. It just keeps getting better with D4 and I.
And then...there is the sitch with my W. The reason why I came here in the first place. We're slowly building a cautious friendship. We're having more quality talks. There is more laughing. More teamwork, and more support. It feels like when we talk we want to continue to talk for longer than a few minutes. Last night, we had dinner together and we talked for nearly an hour. Nothing serious. Just chatter. A few hearty genuine laughs, and some planning for the week ahead. Also, this may seem insignificant, but I finally made physical contact with her (holding her thumb while I looked at her nails). The touch felt...right. Nothing was forced. It just came naturally. And it felt wonderful. We're purposely not seeing much of each other, which is seemingly turning out to be a good thing. When we do see each other, it feels...happy for both of us. Maybe it's just my feelings. Maybe I'm delusional. Whatever it is, I'm taking it as another small sign of hope.
I still do not know how the story of W and I will end. I hope it's R. But I'm coming to the realization daily that it will be ok if it does not. It will be a tremendous loss for her. I'm an awesome dude. And the woman who will fall in love with me will feel and be the luckiest person in the world, because she is in a relationship with an awesome, amazing man.
