2*4s incoming. Let me know to stop and I will oblige. But I have a diff spin on all this.
I am not sure why you guys are focusing on him and if his life suchs or not. Why? Does it make you feel better to believe he is not happy? Do you believe that if he is unhappy in his current sitch then he is more likely to come back? This is simply mind reading and going down cheeseless tunnels. You will never find an answer and so there is no reason for it. There is a reason not to do it, and that is because it is energy wasted, and this is energy that you could be spending on starting the grieving and healing processes. I am concerned that you have not even accepted your sitch for what it is yet and all this speculating is a distraction.
Kech, I am going to press you a bit here. This is from your previous post:
Quote
... I was pretty quiet during this exchange and just softly said “before you do, could you let me know”. And he said “I’m not going to until we both want to” and I just said ok. Maybe we can give it some time.
He agreed and went right back to making the baby’s dinner and excitedly talking to the baby. Seemingly happy I hadn’t told my family, of course.
I left after that for a few hours to get out and GAL. While I was gone he sent me 2 pictures of him and the baby.
I am for once not trying to dissect all of this. Not trying to figure out the hidden meanings or why he asked or said anything, bc I know there’s most likely no rhyme or reason. ...
The thing is you ARE trying to dissect this. You don't know what he is happy about or if he is happy at all and it really doesn't matter. You cannot judge his actions and find meaning in them, it's all speculation. He is most likely behaving in a more pleasant manner because he is going deeper into his R with OW and now he has you off his back, as you seem totally cool with it. This is the theory behind not telling the WS that you know about the A because then your actions take on new meaning to them. I am sorry, but that is what I see happening: you now seem as if you are fine with what he is doing, even tho you are not. You are pretending to DB as a means to trick him back. This is not what the point is.
Look, this guy is cheating on you and leaving you, and you are okay to just hang around him and casually visit? It doesn't make sense to me. Are you ok with it because the positive interactions feels better than his distance or cruelty? I am asking honestly. Because I personally see this as some cake eating. I knew my H was having an A too. That is why I kicked his arse to the curb. At that point, I was not trying to be cool with him, allow family time, or have conversations about anything really. He got black/white emails about scheduling with kids and bills. That is it. Acting like I didn't care about his A and chatting about fruitless things, like who I told, was off the table! No more buddy buddy for him because he fired me.
It is completely up to you if you share this with your family and friends and it's frankly none of his business! If you are sharing it with people to show he is the bad guy, or recruit his family, or involve other people in your sitch, then I would rethink that as it could backfire. But you have every right to share your life and gather your own support as you see fit. And it's none of his concern either way. The same goes for him. The bigger issue in my mind, is why have you not put up some boundaries to protect yourself? Him chatting with you, having so much access to you, and then threatening to take the baby needs to end today. How can we help you protect yourself? Can we at least agree to all stop messaging back and forth about his BS and what/why hes doing? This is only holding you back right now.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Question about this subject, I brought up knowing about the OW last Saturday, when I first found out. like I said he denied it and may think he has me fooled. Do I continue bringing up OW so he is aware I dont believe his crap, or do I not bring it up at all? Im thinking I dont bring it up at all, as I am not supposed to be worrying about her. Just curious if I let him think hes got me fooled or what.
He brought up how he was supposed to go out of town this weekend with some friends (he named one of the friends, its the group of friends I dont know well, but since he has talked about them before I know who they are. I assume OW would be involved since she is in that group of bar rats) and he said he decided not to so he can save money and get some work done around our house. (which he calls my house now) I wanted to say to him "Oh fun, you and your girl were going to go somewhere IVE ALWAYS SAID I WANTED TO GO." But instead I stayed quiet and just said oh cool.
Thanks in advance!
It doesn't matter what he knows or thinks. None of this should be your focus any longer. What matters is that you start to create some boundaries so that you can feel safe and comfortable right now. You can set up a proposed schedule for your daughter and email him only. Request that all info about her and bills be done via email and then you stick to it. There is no reason for him to come and go as he pleases and he should not have so much access to you -- chatting, calling, texting, etc. He is leaving you and has OW. This is his choice and he needs to face the consequences of that.
It is time you take a giant step back and create as much space as possible from him. Let him think whatever he wants, that is no longer your concern. It is okay if he wonders what you know! It is okay if he fears he cannot get you back. Good! Let him start to feel some consequences! Be mysterious. If he gets more mad, or starts acting out, you can simply shrug him off. This was HIS choice.
How he reacts does not matter and should not affect you any longer (that is the goal anyhow). I know this is hard. You can do this. LET GO. The only way he will ever even want to come back is after he has lost you. That can take a looonnnnnnggggg time and may never even happen. In the mean time, you have got to take care of you and stop obsessing over him! That is all you can control.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I dont mind 2*4s at all, they are welcome. I dont really know how to go backwards and all of a sudden put up a wall when I havent had one. I am not at all okay with him having an affair, but I dont think there is anything I can do about that.
I read in your sitch that your husband told you that when you were cordial to him is when he missed you and when you were cold or ignoring him he didnt as much. (I am not quoting verbatim so I am sure thats not completely correct, but that was how I interpreted it.)
I placed the boundary that if he was speaking to any OW he could not live in the home. He refused to show me his phone and so I asked him to leave. I guess I just dont really know how to handle it because it seems like most things say to not focus on the OW, not to bring it up, etc. and so that is what I have been trying to do. I am not at all okay with it, I am devastated by it. But when this all happened in December when I found out about the first OW, we literally went months and months of hot/cold, me flipping out at him randomly, just so I could make sure he knew how much he had hurt me by what he did/was doing, and how I wasnt okay with it. I would randomly bring it up whenever my suspicions went wild.
What Im getting at is I dont feel like I ever got anywhere with him when I made it clear I was constantly angry about OW, and upset by it, and treating him accordingly to that. Do I feel like I get anywhere when Im overly nice? No I dont. But he has been SO angry lately, I felt like I needed to treat him in a way that I wanted to be treated and hoped he would reciprocate. So yesterday morning when he texted about scheduling daughter, I was nice, willing to work with him, and hoiped it would be clear that I was being nice, in hopes that he would reciprocate. I would like for us to be civil for the time being. I will not always be as willing to have small talk with him as I did yesterday, but I felt like it was needed to get us back to a place where he would at least stop looking at me as the enemy.
If you have any suggestions as to how I can move forward I am all ears. I just cannot move on with my life in any fashion if him and I are constantly at odds. That is no way to live, separated or not. I need to wake up everyday and be happy for myself and for my daughter. And if him and I are not civil, it is not a pleasant place to be. I agree, maybe I have not faced my sitch completely. And I am doing things in hopes to get him back, bc I DO what that to be the ultimate outcome. But I have gotten better in stopping thought about him and the OW. I have gotten better in accepting the fact that THIS is what my H is doing. He is seeing someone else and I cannot do anything about it. I will not accept that in a marriage, which is why we are separated and he is not living in our home. I cant really do anything more unless I move forward with divorce filing, which I do not want to do. I have said to him we are to only communicate about daughter, and for the most part thats what we communicate about. He asked yesterday about my family, which was a first and surprised me. I truly am open to ANY actions I can take moving forward to pull back more. I am just trying to be myself and in the scheme of things, with a 6 month old who cannot walk, talk, has just started eating solids, etc, its hard to not communicate, and i dont want to communicate just to come off as cold.
I am all ears though and open and willing to move forward in a direction that could be more helpful to my sitch and my own personal growth.
Question about this subject, I brought up knowing about the OW last Saturday, when I first found out. like I said he denied it and may think he has me fooled. Do I continue bringing up OW so he is aware I dont believe his crap, or do I not bring it up at all? Im thinking I dont bring it up at all, as I am not supposed to be worrying about her. Just curious if I let him think hes got me fooled or what.
He brought up how he was supposed to go out of town this weekend with some friends (he named one of the friends, its the group of friends I dont know well, but since he has talked about them before I know who they are. I assume OW would be involved since she is in that group of bar rats) and he said he decided not to so he can save money and get some work done around our house. (which he calls my house now) I wanted to say to him "Oh fun, you and your girl were going to go somewhere IVE ALWAYS SAID I WANTED TO GO." But instead I stayed quiet and just said oh cool.
Thanks in advance!
It doesn't matter what he knows or thinks. None of this should be your focus any longer. What matters is that you start to create some boundaries so that you can feel safe and comfortable right now. You can set up a proposed schedule for your daughter and email him only. Request that all info about her and bills be done via email and then you stick to it. There is no reason for him to come and go as he pleases and he should not have so much access to you -- chatting, calling, texting, etc. He is leaving you and has OW. This is his choice and he needs to face the consequences of that.
It is time you take a giant step back and create as much space as possible from him. Let him think whatever he wants, that is no longer your concern. It is okay if he wonders what you know! It is okay if he fears he cannot get you back. Good! Let him start to feel some consequences! Be mysterious. If he gets more mad, or starts acting out, you can simply shrug him off. This was HIS choice.
How he reacts does not matter and should not affect you any longer (that is the goal anyhow). I know this is hard. You can do this. LET GO. The only way he will ever even want to come back is after he has lost you. That can take a looonnnnnnggggg time and may never even happen. In the mean time, you have got to take care of you and stop obsessing over him! That is all you can control.
Blu
I see what you are saying. It scares me to do this but I do know that you are right. How long did it take you to do this in your sitch? When was it that your husband started to feel as if he had really lost you?
I do think part of him believes he has lost me a bit and that could be why he gets angry, but I dont know. He does have too much access to me, I just know if I flip a switch and say we can only communicate via email etc, he will again get angry and just make this so hard again. I also think I have been taking advice so seriously and doing things so immediately, I dont know whats working and what isnt. Could I let this week happen, keep things kind of at bay for now, and maybe propose only email contact in a week or so to have a bit more measure of what is and isnt working down the line? I dont plan to do anything outside of DBing, I plan to continue GAL for me, but is it suggested and approved to just take a breather for a week or so and kind of let the dust settle before trying a new approach and setting more boundaries for myself?
Question about this subject, I brought up knowing about the OW last Saturday, when I first found out. like I said he denied it and may think he has me fooled. Do I continue bringing up OW so he is aware I dont believe his crap, or do I not bring it up at all? Im thinking I dont bring it up at all, as I am not supposed to be worrying about her. Just curious if I let him think hes got me fooled or what.
He brought up how he was supposed to go out of town this weekend with some friends (he named one of the friends, its the group of friends I dont know well, but since he has talked about them before I know who they are. I assume OW would be involved since she is in that group of bar rats) and he said he decided not to so he can save money and get some work done around our house. (which he calls my house now) I wanted to say to him "Oh fun, you and your girl were going to go somewhere IVE ALWAYS SAID I WANTED TO GO." But instead I stayed quiet and just said oh cool.
Thanks in advance!
Do not bring her up. It will get you no where. He might argue with you but that doesn't get you anywhere, and hurts your cause because at its root it is pressure.
Just let it lie. He knows you aren't dumb.
Last edited by Steve85; 09/19/1804:55 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Blu is right. My only reason that I brought up about his life suching is because I wanted you to understand not to believe anything he says and only half of what he does. He is going to let you know what he wants you to know. He is going try to make you think what he wants you to think.
As Blu says, better to not even focus on him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Blu is right. My only reason that I brought up about his life suching is because I wanted you to understand not to believe anything he says and only half of what he does. He is going to let you know what he wants you to know. He is going try to make you think what he wants you to think.
As Blu says, better to not even focus on him.
Very true. Trying, trying, trying. I could type in here like I am only focused on myself and only what I am doing, but it would be a lie because I am focused on him in my daily life and this is my outlet. I dont know how to shut that off. I guess less contact with him would help, just hard to accomplish.
Well your sitch is difficult because he needs to see the baby. So you will not be able to go NC until he has his on place she can go to. If he even lets it get to that point.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Any other words of wisdom or suggestions when feeling down? Really trying to get through my days without crying, and right now im having a weak moment while working. Hoping to push through
By all means, cry. Nothing wrong with it. Just not in front of him.
Other than that stay busy. You should have the cleanest house in the world! Because you are never sitting idle! Oh how is the reading going? Did you get those other books?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
