I think you might need to start a new thread soon. You are over 100.
I hear what you are saying about the frequent interactions, about him seeing the baby, and about your concerns over making a sudden change. This is really, really hard. And I don't suggest otherwise. It is far easier for me to sit here and give you advice than to be in your shoes and try and take it. I know that. The reason I am giving you advice tho, is because I see you making some of the same mistakes I made. I can see now how it really hindered my progress. I hate to see people draw out the suffering for so long.
When I read your writing, I still see red flags. It is not that you are doing anything wrong. Please don't think that is what I am saying. It is your energy, attitude, and your choice of words that concerns me. I feel that you are walking on eggshells to somehow avoid conflict and that just doesn't work. You seem to want to mind read and find meaning in his actions, and that doesn't work either. Nor does you behaving a certain way to keep him at bay. That is very unhealthy!
There is a difference between putting a wall up and having boundaries. I never once said you should put a wall up and I never said you should be cold to him. You ask can you wait to put up boundaries. Of course you can, you can do whatever you want. People that are healthy and have high self esteem put up boundaries to protect themselves. I suggest you start taking better care of yourself right now. You allow him to be mean to you, whether you realize that or not. You have the right to put your hand up and say, "no, I will not continue this conversation if you talk to me this way." It is also more likely that he (and others) will be attracted to you if you value yourself more. Does that make sense?
In terms of being civil and cordial, I agree. I think you should always be both, and not just to him, but to everyone. That is not what I see happening tho. I see you as trying hard to act nice and to appear detached. And I am telling you right now, he can intuitively see right through that. It is perfectly okay, to create space and healthy boundaries for yourself, without being a doormat and allowing someone to mistreat you. And again, people with a higher self worth understand this naturally. My sitch is different because I never tried to act nice to him, however I did a lot of stonewalling, ignoring or lashing out in the beginning. That was a different kind of mistake. As I learned to DB better, I was more cordial, however I still had boundaries up and did not spend any unnecessary time with him. He did miss me while we were apart, and more so when he saw that I was giving up.
So when did my H know that he had lost me and when did he try and come back. When I finally started to understand all of this stuff and valued myself more. It is an attitude change that cannot be faked and takes time. I want to see you get there too. So it takes you letting go of him (he is already gone) and you starting to respect yourself more than wanting a man like him: detachment will come the more you practice your 180s and GAL. Mostly tho, create some boundaries for yourself and stop allowing him to control your every thought and action. Do not do anything based on how you think he may react. Do you for YOU!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu, very well stated. I do have to say that kech is leaps and bounds where she was weeks ago. I am not sure how far back you read, but at one point she was still having sex with him. She shut that down. She was routinely sad and weepy around him, she 180'd on that. So she has made great strides.
But yes, one of the things I've tried to get her to get over was her fear of D. As long as she is so scared of D, and attaches too much meaning to D (that it is final and irreversible) I don't think she can successfully DB until she gets over that fear. kech, you allow your fear of D, and trying to avoid it at all costs, to inform your actions and decisions. This is not good and will cause you to do the wrong things and make bad decisions.
So while I think you've made great strides, I agree with Blu that you have a lot of improvements to still make.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In terms of being civil and cordial, I agree. I think you should always be both, and not just to him, but to everyone. That is not what I see happening tho. I see you as trying hard to act nice and to appear detached. And I am telling you right now, he can intuitively see right through that. It is perfectly okay, to create space and healthy boundaries for yourself, without being a doormat and allowing someone to mistreat you. And again, people with a higher self worth understand this naturally. My sitch is different because I never tried to act nice to him, however I did a lot of stonewalling, ignoring or lashing out in the beginning. That was a different kind of mistake. As I learned to DB better, I was more cordial, however I still had boundaries up and did not spend any unnecessary time with him. He did miss me while we were apart, and more so when he saw that I was giving up.
Blu
You nailed it when you said you see me as trying to act nice to appear detached. This is true. I find myself convincing myself of that as well. A few months back I talked to one of my brothers. He could tell something was going on with me so I told him that my H and I were just going through a rough patch and had some things to work through. I told him a very small fraction of our sitch, as he loves my H and I dont want to affect that. In talking to me for a few hours, he was becoming frustrated and he kept saying, "Youre not being yourself! Youre not doing what you would normally do in this situation. The normal you would NEVER let someone treat you this way! Stand up for yourself! Stop worrying about how he feels or thinks!"
When this happened I was 5 months pregnant. When I found out about OW I was 8 months pregnant. And then I had the baby and we separated when she was 6 weeks. I think a LOT of me not handling this how I normally would had to do with me being pregnant with our first baby. We had just bought a house a year before, I think my hormones, emotions, etc were truly ALL over the place. And even after the baby I was all over the place. I feel like the last month I have FINALLY started to feel more like myself, where I feel a little more control over my life and a little more like I know my worth. Ive KNOWN my worth all along, I value myself, I do NOT want a H like this. But I have not let go of who my H was, and thats my biggest problem. I have lost a piece of myself in all of this and you are right, I am SO afraid of conflict with him. I feel like if the baby was not in the mix, I could CARE LESS if he was angry with me. I would be living a completely different life right now and I would be telling him he could F off if he felt like he could find better. My BIGGEST struggle is that I have to share my sweet 6 month old daughter with him and I feel that when I do have to lose time with her, I am ABSOLUTELY going to fall apart.
It is one thing to be left by him, it is another to now have a brand new baby that I have cared for 100% have to leave me because HE has chosen he doesnt want this family. If that makes sense. And I think that has SO much to do with why I try to keep the peace. I dont want the threats of custody, I dont want the angry "I want her THIS day" texts. And no matter how many times i put up boundaries about him doing that, he continues to do so.
I have read your response a few times now, because it is helpful to me. It is 100% right. I want to be cordial, I want to get along, but I dont want to be so available to him. I dont want him to have complete access to me as he does. I want him to miss me. I will work on it. I am going to see how this week goes and pull back a bit.
Blu, very well stated. I do have to say that kech is leaps and bounds where she was weeks ago. I am not sure how far back you read, but at one point she was still having sex with him. She shut that down. She was routinely sad and weepy around him, she 180'd on that. So she has made great strides.
But yes, one of the things I've tried to get her to get over was her fear of D. As long as she is so scared of D, and attaches too much meaning to D (that it is final and irreversible) I don't think she can successfully DB until she gets over that fear. kech, you allow your fear of D, and trying to avoid it at all costs, to inform your actions and decisions. This is not good and will cause you to do the wrong things and make bad decisions.
So while I think you've made great strides, I agree with Blu that you have a lot of improvements to still make.
Steve, you have no idea how much I appreciate you and all your help. I have GOT to get over all my fear of D. You are absolutely right. And I also appreciate you stating I have made great strides.
I am really trying to find my power in this. Speaking to a lawyer will be my first step in finding my power over the D and hopefully not be SO afraid of it.
