What is it that you fear so much? Maybe write your fears down on a paper and then burn it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thats a great suggestion. I think I have a lot of fears right now. My biggest fear is anything concerning daughter. It is going to be very hard for me to give up time with her, etc. And then Id say my other biggest fear is him falling in love with OW. Treating her how he used to treat me. My H fell in love with me and he just really protected me always. He would do anything for me, and not in like a monetary way or in some huge showy way, just in little things every day that came so natural to him and to us. We were just everyones favorite couple, as ridiculous as that sounds. We were the first ones out of his group of friends to really settle down, and I think his friends always felt like I came into his life and kind of took care of him in a way.
I dont know how to explain it, we just really complimented one another. We had really different upbringings but it all played a role in who we are and how we were together and we just really LOVED one another. And I see now that in these OW, he is looking more for someone with an upbringing similar to his. Someone living a similar lifestyle to the one he has now. I felt like when we got together he was so proud to be with me. And now its like he just wants someone TOTALLY different. As if the thought of taking care of me and being a family with me is too hard to achieve, like he cant give me what he all of a sudden thinks I want. So he is going after women that he feels like he can be a man for in a way. Women that will look to him and need him more than he felt like I did. And im terrified that in this process he will fall head over heels for someone the way he has always been for me for 8 years and he will make them a priority and start putting them first and thats enough to make me lose my breath.
I think I really felt when this first happened a year ago that he would realize really quickly nothing really compared to us. And I think sometimes he felt that way, but it never really FULLY brought him back to want to work on us. It would bring him back but not enough and he would go right back out to this new lifestyle. Ive lost him, I get that. But I guess im afraid of him really falling for another woman the way he fell for me, and him just forgetting what we had and keeping this rewritten history as his perception of me and of us. I guess I could just print this out and set it on fire!
Even just reading that back, I think my H always maybe even felt like I took care of him. I handled everything, I made sure we continued to grow, buying a house, etc. And I think he wants to take care of someone and maybe felt like I wouldnt let him. But I cant tell you how much that hurts. Because ALL I ever wanted was for him to take care of me. And instead of being there when I was pregnant and caring for me, he was gone in another city and found another woman.
It was like ALL I wanted was for him to take care of me and instead he went and found other people to take care of. And I felt this immediately after first OW, and when I begged and tried to show him I needed him, he pulled away even more of course. I was put in a very impossible position.He was everything to me, he was the man of my dreams and the man of my life and the man who I went to for EVERYTHING. And now hes becoming someone elses man and its enough to literally make me have an anxiety attack so ill stop here. Going to re-read Steves response this morning, it helps me a lot.
Amazing story. And so appropriate for so many on this board trying to hold on to their spouse for dear life.
Really what John did was realize that he and Mary would never be happy together if half her heart was elsewhere. And that Bob would always be a presence, if not physically then in thought, in his and Mary's relationship.
Let her go...to get her back. Doesn't always work, but is much more effective then holding on for dear life.
Originally Posted by LoneWlf
Rose -S85 - Sia - thank you for your love and support. It pains me to say that I feel stuck in this anger phase. I know I need to move past it to heal properly. One of the things that both W and I did well in the end was conflict avoidance. While perfecting this avoidance tactic communication became limited and strained. I knew things were not right but after reaching out countless times to reconnect both physical and non physical. We both ceased to really communicate. I no longer reached out feeling hurt- unattractive - unloved an appreciated and she did the same. I take ownership in my part in this and could have handled things differently.
Love her so much that you have to let her go. It is tough, but that is true love.
My IC shared this with me and I will do my best to retell the story as he told me. I cannot remember names and everything but I will do my best.
Mary had been seeing John for a period of time and things were going well. During one rough patch in the relationship they temporarily decided to give each other time and space to figure things out separately. During that time Mary went back to live with mom and dad 7 hours away. During the separation period Mary met Bob and began to like Bob in more ways than a friend. Mary and Bob became close and confided in one another. As time passed Mary and John slowly began to communicate- first about simple things but as time went along Mary began to see why she had loved John so much. Things progressed with both men . Mary thinking she had more invested with- John agreed to try again with John prompting a move back 7 hours away. As things got better with John - Mary constantly asked herself " what if.... with Bob?" Being truly torn and wanting to be up front with John she opened up and told him about these feelings. John was very understanding and let Mary express her true feeling without guilt or shame. In the following days John had got Mary a present .She opened it up- it was a ticket to travel back to see Bob. When Mary asked - John said that he would not stand in the way of Marys happiness. He wanted for Mary to see Bob and and although he would be hurt If Mary left permanently -he would be most happy for her. Mary thought about this for a couple days and decided with John's blessing that she would go. On the day of the trip- John dropped Mary off at the train station not knowing if this was the last time he would see Mary. They said their teary goodbyes and then John left the station. 3-4 hours later John gets a call from Mary. Not knowing what it is he picks up. John asks Mary whats wrong? Mary said I hope you have travel insurance or at least I hope you can get a refund on this ticket? John ask why? She said she wan't going to see Bob. When pressed for a answer Mary said I no longer wish to see Bob because when you bought me the ticket it showed how you loved me so much you were willing to let go of everything- This is the person that I want to spend my life with. So the fairy tale ends - and they lived happily ever after. BTW this is a true story -but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
My IC said set her free- she has free will if she returns then love fully!!- If she doesn't return -love fully!!
Anyways - Peace and Love to all!! Blessings!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Great story. I have to just continue letting him living his life and have hope that he will come back, but make my life one I love regardless. I have definitely let him go physically, out of the house, ask no questions, I assume he is seeing OW although he denied it and i havent looked into it since. I am giving him true time and space in hopes that it brings him back to me. My fears in the meantime just get the best of me. The fears that he will really fall for her and start a life with her.
Its terrifying. But I know all I can do is let go. Hopefully emotionally i will start to let go more and more. Thanks Steve
What if I told you that your fears are paralyzing you and slowing down the process? Many times, our minds make things worse than reality.
Like Blu has said, you want your former H. He is not that now.
BTW, the story that Steve just shared is profound. John demonstrated unconditional love and put Mary before himself. Incredible.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
That story make me think of our cat. I am not a cat person. But her and I have bounded over the last year. But she is so much like a WAS. If I pick her up and put her in my lap, she will immediately try to get away and jump down. But if I sit down and ignore her, she will eventually jump on my lap and want attention.
So is the WAS. Ignore them and they will want your attention. But if you give it unsolicited they will try to get away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Kech. First time reading your sitch. Iīm sorry for your pain.
You need to let H go. Detach and GAL. I know itīs no easy but itīs about getting youself out of those states of mind. I was a WW some time ago...you need to give H time and space. So use that time wisely. Keep working on yourself. Train your mind to avoid those shaded places. Have you tried meditation?
Stay strong K
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Thanks for your comment, its very interesting to hear from someone on the other side of it. I have never tried meditation. In your experiences as WW, did you go back to your spouse after time and space was given? I will have to read about your sitch.
Steve, great analogy about the cat. So true. I think it is SO hard for me to stay consistent in it all. .Tuesday I was overly nice and happy around him, yesterday I pulled back and said barely anything, and its like I expect an immediate response from that because everytime I have pulled back previously, it would get an action of some sort out of him. And considering I havent heard from him today it just makes me feel like oh it isnt working. But obviously im just not giving it the time it needs. And its SO hard to be around him and pull away like I did yesterday. Its very hard to not sit and discuss our days when I know we both want to. Or at least I think we do.
I know my smallest consistent action will be noticed, its just a matter of staying consistent and its tough.
LITB,
if my fear truly is slowing down this process, then I PRAY i can let it go soon because I dont know how long I can go through this!
Thanks for your comment, its very interesting to hear from someone on the other side of it. I have never tried meditation. In your experiences as WW, did you go back to your spouse after time and space was given? I will have to read about your sitch.
It was a little more complicated than that. In fact I quickly went back home so here I am doing my own DBing to myself...
