I just read your post about your sitch. You sound very similar to my H. Both OW he has seen are single mothers, and I think he feels like he needs to take care of them, and he likes that feeling. Yet, I am his wife at home with a 6 month old baby that he is now making a single mother.. I know he struggles a LOT feeling like he needs to protect us, but he is having other relationships trying to be the man in someone elses life as well.
I found it interesting you said your W didnt make you work hard to get back in the M. I am guilty of that, and I wonder if my H is under the impression I would still let him back easily. hmm. Makes me think.
Do you feel there is anything your W could have done that would have assisted in you returning to her, or did it all need to play out? Over all, how long were you wayward before ultimately deciding to really make it work at home?
It is extremely beneficial to have a man on the other side of this in here, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.
The need to protect... that got me close to OW but I was leaving my family...I knew then the problem was inside of me. That was the beggining of my inner voyage
I�m at work now. Promise to write tomorrow.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
if my fear truly is slowing down this process, then I PRAY i can let it go soon because I dont know how long I can go through this!
I have no doubt that fear is slowing you down. I did the same thing, and it caused me to make choices that I would not make now if I found myself in the same sitch. Of course hindsight is 20/20.
As the great Jack_Three_Beans had in his signature line, "Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." C.S. Lewis
We are trying to help you overcome your fears, by sharing our experiences. Until you overcome your fears, it will likely be, rinse repeat. At some point, you will reach the end of your rope and let go.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Im really finding, throughout days like today where I am not hearing from him, a huge fear really is that he is pulling away to try to detach as much as he can and give himself fully to OW. Makes my stomach turn. It is good to hear that this is a common fear. Hearing other people felt this way as well and have gotten through it, helps me to start trying to let go of that fear. Neffer gave me a bit of a wake up call saying his W would take him back easily each time. I did that also, more than once. And Im wondering if by doing that I have made him feel like I will always be here. So in the meantime he will try to make it work with OW, who probably wont put up with his crap, and then im over here being the nice pushover who seems weak and not myself.
I will continue being cordial of course, but I plan to continue pulling away no matter how unnatural it feels.
Thanks Steve, I went back and re-read your post to me from this morning to help me keep going forward. Its crazy im so concerned with this today. Im working plus im surrounded by my mom, nieces, nephew and my daughter today and I am STILL sad and consumed by it.
Yeah I remember in the two days after BD I was the same way. Christmas Eve and Christmas. All of the holiday get-togethers, celebrations. And I was consumed with the fact that she wanted to leave. It is tough. Though on 12/26 I rediscovered DB, and it changed my attitude, countenance, and situation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ya, I cant imagine BD around Christmas. Its been a year since BD and for some reason family get togethers for me feel the hardest. We did spend the holidays together and all that but just other family birthdays and things he would normally be a part of, he would work through last year last year and it was so hard for me.
It feels so unnatural to be with everyone and him not be there. And considering our baby is only 6 months, we havent DONE family things him, me and the baby. He doesnt even know what it would be like in order to miss it. But I sure hope he will miss us. Catching myself trying to find meaning in him no longer reaching out to me the last few days, and trying to just stop my thoughts. I still see him at night because he comes over but I leave. Just doesnt seem to be reaching out during the day at all. Im a broken record I know. Moving forward. Like you said, he needs time and space to even have a chance to miss us.
TRIGGERS. The TRIGGERS are so bad. I know I sound crazy. But something was just randomly said and I immediately felt my stomach drop, pictured my H, and felt myself start breathing heavy and feel serious anxiety. Sometimes it is such an overwhelming feeling. Thats how I felt with BD and soon after, I havent felt like that in a while but wow when it hits, it hits.
Cannot BELIEVE what my life has become and how far I feel from my H. I cant understand why he is creating even more distance all of a sudden. Its necessary I know, but its tough. I know I am spinning and just letting this all take over. Going to go outside and take a few deep breaths.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Im a broken record I know. Moving forward. Like you said, he needs time and space to even have a chance to miss us.