I just had a long chat with my friend, who was the Maid of Honor in my and EXW’s wedding.
She has been cycled through, idolized, devalued and discarded by EXW more than once in the past.
We talked about understanding her issues, forgiveness, and I ask her if she would still want to be friends with EXW.
She said, “if she came to me and it seemed like she was genuinely sorry, even if she really wasn’t, id still want to give her a chance. I think shes very hurt and alone, and all of the awful things she does to people is a defense mechanism. It all makes me very sad for her”
I agree.
I wish there were some way I could communicate this to her, but with the TRO I cannot.
I know R isn’t an option, But ive spent the last few days really focused on letting go for good and all of the anger, vengeance, and pain.
Its no use. She didn’t consciously choose to do what she did, its all deep seeded insecurity issues and defense mechanisms.
I wish there were some way I could get her to really hear me. I would say
“ I forgive you. I know all the things you have done to hurt me were subconscious and unintentional. Im worried about you. I feel like you are going to constantly be chasing the validation of others, some of whom you will never meet in real life. What you did was profoundly painful, and scared me deeply. I know you loved me once, and I know you were happy for a time. It saddens me to know that maintaining love and happiness is such a challenge for you. I want you to know I am here if you need me. I am not going to let myself be hurt any further, and that cant really happen anymore because I have moved on and healed. We loved each other so fiercely once, we shared dreams goals and a life. I want you to still achieve these goals. I want to be a good parenting team. I forgive you for how you hurt me, it changed me, and I personally feel it has made me a better person. I will always have love for you. The mother of my child and my first wife, but I cannot afford to be in love with you, so I had to detach from that and say goodbye when it became evident we weren’t ever going to be able to fix this. I hope you find all the answers you seek one day, and truly find happiness. I will always be here to lend an ear if you need one.
I wish you the best in your future life, and I look forward to watching our son grow up together.
Im sorry it ended like this. I forgive you, and wish you nothing but happiness and peace.
Love, Orange K”
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK - Today would have been my 15 yr anniversary with my XW. I didn't even remember it until last night. Over time you won't care as much...keeping moving forward. You will be just fine.
Not to be a negative Nelly here, and I do appreciate your words. As well as everyone elses, but it seems like I get the same response from several people each time I post.
“You’re doing alright, itll get easier with time, just hang in there and you’ll be ok”
Although compassionate, and appreciated, it doesn’t exactly give any advice on what to do differently to heal, or change behaviors.
Joe, your reply doesn’t really touch on the topic of my last post. Could you perhaps provide your opinin therein?
The Anniversary has been hard, and this week has had resounding echo effects of it since Monday.
I did a lot of thinking Mon Tue Wed, and I am just done being mad.
I know ill never get answers, justice, closure and explinations. That still bothers me, probably always will, but ive accepted that ill never get any of those answers.
Im done being mad at her, im done seeking justice/vengeance. I don’t hate OM anymore. I just wish I had one last chance to say my piece, calmly, emotionless and factual. Just to hear how she would respond, but again, “Cheeseless Tunnel” as you all say.
Im feeling stuck, like there should be a clear path ahead from this point. I don’t see what it is or where it goes.
I feel like ive hit a dead end.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
There is no advice to give. You keep looking for a magic bullet to move on. There is none. it simply takes time. The only way to the other side is through it.
You aren't getting your chance to say your piece because of the TRO. So, nothing you can do. And from experience. It doesn't make you feel any better. And you aren't going to get the response you hope for.
What else is there to do other than focus on your self and your son? There is GAL, IC, Divorce groups, advancing your career, just love being a dad and all that has to offer, make new friends.
There is no advice. You can't do anything different other than live you life. You are even dating someone when you admittedly aren't healed.
You can simply go on with your life minus your wife. That's all you can do. That's all all of us have done.
Truthfully there is nothing you can do for her as Nef suggested. I personally tend to focus on more of negative aspects of my XW than I do what was positive which helps frame my way of thinking towards her. I think you want to let her go but in the end you still come back to the same thing when you are cycling. The fond memories, the love, etc. when my mind starts to head that way I think of all the nasty $hit she did which refocuses my mind.
I think writing letters like you did can be of value. Most people would say not to send something like that because it makes you look weak but it is your sitch and if you feel like you want to then I am not going to stand in your way. I would advise against it but again it is your choice.
I got unstuck by taking care of myself. Lifting weights, playing basketball, going out with friends, spending time with my Daughters, buying new clothes, reading, learning, growing.......that is where I placed my focus and over time I mentally started to make the shift. Taking care of yourself and your S is how you move forward. You also indicated you are kind of dating someone. Another way for you to move forward.
