Hey guys, wanted to give and update and now I really could use some good advice with my sitch. She came over today to pick up some papers (job related) and saw that our dog was acting sad. She started crying and said "this is all your fault, why couldn't you change before and we would have worked it out", then said something like "I just want to start over and move on, I can't believe I'm 31 and a single mother again etc etc, hopefully I'll find someone to treat me how I wanted you to treat me, why don't we just not talk about this anymore and you find someone also." I was able to calm her down and end the convo.
Last thing she said was that she doesn't feel anything for me other then anger and even if I bought her flowers/chocolates it doesn't mean anything. But that she really wishes she could feel something for me and wishes that we could work it out. I asked her if we would put our heads together to try to figure this out would she be willing to try and she said that she'd like to but doesn't believe that it's possible, and if she doesn't feel anything for me then she doesn't feel like she can try.
So I know she does need more cooling down time, she is still hurt and angry at me. I thought she wasn't that angry anymore since we haven't been fighting (due to the boundaries I implemented). What would be the best method to help her calm down? I guess I just need to give her time, any other ideas?
You need to stop asking her relationship questions. She is clearly full of anger and resentment towards you. Nothing is going to change that instantaneously. It is going to take a really long amount of time and a great deal of space, not to mention a metric ton of patience. You need to back off. Reread Sandi's rules. Learn them by heart. When you are in doubt of what to do, go back and read them. When you feel the urge to email or text or call her, write here instead and vent. Keep your communication with her brief and casual. Don't reply to all of her messages right away, in fact only reply if the message warrants a response.
Hang in there. You are in for a long ride.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
She said all that just to get you to ask her to try again. That's called "temp-checking". You got tested, and unfortunately you failed. She knows you're there, plan B, just in case she wants to come back.
Next time she does that stuff you listen and validate. Read the validation threads.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the responses, you are both correct and I really needed to hear that. I never call or text or email her, ever. Seriously since she moved out, I have never ever, not even once initiate contact with her (total 180 for me, proud of myself for that lol). But she finds a reason to call or text me every day (which led me to believe her anger had subsided). I never answer her calls and usually wait to respond an hour minimum to any call or text.
I know she’s hurting and I understand her. But why does she find a reason to contact me every day if she’s so mad?? If she needs space to calm down, why does she contact me? I wish I had the answer to that question, what do you all think?
She wants to know that she still has you on the line. She wants to have a fall-back plan in case other things fall through.
Don't be that guy. You deserve better.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You are not going to convince her overnight. It will take time and consistent action. You actually have to get on with your life without her and reach a point where you don't need her to come back. That is the detachment you need to reach.
So, keep DBing. Stop worrying about how she will react to your communication or lack thereof. Focus on yourself. How can you improve yourself? GAL as much as you can. This is a long process and you are still at the beginning. You slipped up, but that just means you learned what not to do next time.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
...she really wishes she could feel something for me and wishes that we could work it out. I asked her if we would put our heads together to try to figure this out would she be willing to try and she said that she'd like to but doesn't believe that it's possible, and if she doesn't feel anything for me then she doesn't feel like she can try.
I got plenty of this from W. My current interpretation is that it has something to do with maintaining the image, in HER mind, that she is someone who doesn't just give up. But at the same time she can phone it in but not have to feel like a monster.
Edit: the reason for saying that is that you just basically can't make any assumptions about what it means. Most likely it means that she's a human being trying to come to terms with what she has done. She is coming to terms with it for herself, not because she wants to undo it. It's just damage control.
Last edited by burned; 09/17/1808:17 PM. Reason: because I always forget something
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thank you for the responses, I really needed to hear it. I didn't respond right away because I needed time to analyze it. At first, I was actually thinking what she said was a good thing. After reading your responses, it helped me to wake up and realize that I need to detach, and these last 2 days I have been doing that. My goal is to get to the point where I truly don't need her anymore. She still texts/calls each day for some random thing, but I wait 8-10 hours to respond and just use very short texts, and I never call. I feel like now I can get to the point that I really don't care about her anymore, and that is my goal. Afterwards if she comes forward and wants to try, great, I'll see how I feel about it then. But I realize she isn't coming back any time soon. Thank you all for the advice and strength to keep me moving forward
Hi guys, back again with an update on my sitch. She came over today for me to help her make a contract for a cleaning job she got (I am in the business as well so I have some pre-made contracts). Anyway, when she got here she was dressed up (surprising), she could tell I was impressed even though I tried to play it off. I complimented the dress and that was it. She asked if I had eaten, I said "No not yet, I'll help you with the contract and then I'm going to go eat". She said "I want to take you somewhere, you'll like it", and I said sure. So she drove me to this rooftop bar/restaurant. We get there, watch the sunset, and chit chat. I was totally not expecting any of this so I'm in shock, but I know I played it off well, I kept my cool.
We chit-chat for a little while (about work, kids, etc) and she brings up "us". Says that she feels sad that we are apart since we have had so many nice moments together ("like this one" she says, referring to us at the rooftop bar enjoying the sunset), but at the same time she feels relaxed that we aren't fighting like we used to when we were together. I just responded "yes I agree, we have had nice moments together". She said that she misses it but that she's afraid to go back to the same problems. I responded "I agree and I don't either, I couldn't imagine that life again" (which is true). I also said that I am still going to therapy and that I am happy being alone and learning to be alone. She held my hand and things just felt different, I leaned in and kissed her (which would have never happened since BD, trust me). I told her that whatever happens is fine with me, and that if we ever were going to try again that things wouldn't be the same, we have to do it different. She said she just needs to think about it.
We get back to my house, make the contract, and she's sitting on the bed (my computer and printer are in my room) I then sit on the bed next to her, and lean in again to give her a kiss. One thing led to another and we had sex (again, hasn't happened since before BD, 4 months). I've known her for a very long time, and I can honestly say, if her heart isn't in it, she won't have sex with me. I know many of you will disagree, but it's just something I know about her.
Afterwards, we laid there for a little while and then she said that she had to go (it was getting late and we both work tomorrow). I did get a little needy (not too bad like before) and I said "I hope you think about what we talked about, I feel as though we can work it out, we just need to take it slow". She said that she promises she is going to think about it (first time hearing something like that since BD). I walked her to her car, and said "be careful driving, I love you" and she responded "I love you too". She could sense that I was shocked and she said "Yes, I still love you, I'll talk to you tomorrow, goodnight".
That was it, completely unexpected. I never expected any of this to happen at all. I feel as though I played it cool and confident and it went well. At the moment (she literally left 30 minutes ago), I feel as though whatever happens I will be fine, and I truly don't expect anything to happen. I don't have my hopes up. I plan to keep being detached and GAL. Obviously I'd like to R but don't expect it at this point. Just in shock about what happened tonight since I didn't expect it. Will see how it plays out and I will keep you all updated!
