Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this.

[Turbine]

We had no conversation. W had left in the morning for Church and was gone all day. Not happy about that but I just observed and said nothing about the all day. That was not easy but I stuck to it.

Asked about her paying the cable bill from the joint account. Not fair since not paying in. W replied we are selling the house so doesn't matter. Also that I should remove her from joint account.

My response was she needs to do that. In the meanwhile moving money out seems like my best route. My being frugal and move money back to cover auto pays.

[Turbine]

This is a personal improvement question more or less. Much is stressed about GAL activities. Try new activities, make new friends/hang out with old friends. Go to the gym etc.

So this is a three part thought...

First, for my trip to visit my oldest D and the three granddaughters. She is excited as am I. At my request we are keeping it as secret as possible from the kids. I'd like to surprise them. Of course the baby won't know or care either way so its more for the older two. I am going to bring some frozen custard from the local shop. Key Lime Pie and Maple Bacon (which is awesome on a waffle) as a treat to share and I'll leave there if we don't finish it.

Second, my daughter's BF works as a tattoo artist as a side job (primary is auto mechanic) and they are both excited about my visit since I could get a tattoo. I know... personal choice. I did 12 years in the Navy without getting one and at 55 years I am thinking about it now. W portrait came to mind but rejected for a few reasons. One, lots of time under the needle for a first tattoo. Second, God forbid, this falls apart that would be more than a little awkward to explain to any future R partners. Third, that would be misunderstood by W as being pushy or something.
So I am currently looking at a Star Trek delta. Simple and I like Star Trek. Star Wars too but too many choices there.

Third, at what point do I inform the W if at all up too actually leaving. When I had suggested it before it was rejected outright. Thinking to not tell her for DB reasons. However it isn't a short trip and we don't get to see them often. If she were to unexpectedly change her mind and go she would need the time to cover her home care job.
I don't want this to be something she resents me for. Although at this point any and everything can fit into that column. I don't want to be a jerk and be the first to meet our newest granddaughter either. Part of it being worried she will do something at then house while I am gone? Maybe. Trust is nonexistent or close to it. She has done a few things that have shown me she isn't to be trusted at this point.

That covers it. I welcome any insight since being too close to this and not wanting to hold a chance for this from her can be impairing my thought process.

[Davide]

Definitely don't get W's portrait under any circumstances. If you want a tattoo for yourself, go for it. Live your best life. But leave her far, far out of it.

Don't worry about your W's reaction to your trip - it isn't for her, it is for you and the kids/grandkids. It sounds like she already resents you so that horse is out of the barn. I wouldn't tell her at all, but that is your call. You are out living your life without her.

[Turbine]

Flash of insight. Proceeding on the idea this is a solo trip I believe I will check with the local library to see if there is an audio copy of DB.

Ok... not such a big flash. But would allow me to multi-task.

[Turbine]

Just to be sure, for the LBS there really isn't much difference or that it matters if you have a MLC, WW WAS or whatever the reason to be here looking for answers or help. Am I correct?

Looking at other threads it seems there is a great deal of information that crosses over.

[neffer]

Although there are some shared things, mainly own improvment related, WW and WAS situations have a different approach.

[neffer]

WAS forum link

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=78&page=1

[Turbine]

I will continue reading. Preparing all the crummy paperwork associated with this Divorce process. Hate that.

I saw mentioned more than once the DR and DB books are for the LBS only.

Men are From Mars and 5 Love Languages are for later. I get all of that. Also mentioned are Keeping Love Alive tapes. Is there a point something like that is also too little too late? Encourage the WAS, in my case W, to listen? Leave laying around? Bring up at some point in the future because I really want a future with as opposed to without. Aiming for the with but reluctantly laying ground work for without...

[Turbine]

After reading a little of the WAS forum I have concluded I wasn't clear about my question before.

As far as I (a LBS) am concerned does whatever got W and me into this situation is more important than whether she is a WW, WAS, MLC, or ???. She is still looking to get out.

As the LBS, personal growth and giving the W space are important. Avoid questioning and be supportive. Avoid doing more of the same. Avoid pushy, snooping, rally family and friends etc.

Is there much difference because WW, WAS, or MLC all seem to share alot at some point. Not the same I know. So is it just the little stuff to encourage getting to a R and repaired MR. Over time and ever so gently...

[Davide]

As far as I can tell none of those designations make a big difference. Like you, I went searching for answers as to whether I was dealing with WW, WAW, or MLC. There are certainly some differences between them, but how you as the LBS handles it is nearly the same. Some people will say that you need to draw firmer boundaries with a WW, but I think that is important in any case. My W doesn't exhibit any of the craziness that mark a lot of the WWs but she is certainly wayward in the sense that she rebelled against our MR.

You don't need to be supportive, and there are things you should not support - being with OM or pursuing a D. You should validate, but that does NOT mean that you agree or support her. It means that you hear her and understand where she is coming from, even if you don't agree.

Turn the focus on you rather than her. What can you do to become a man only a fool would leave? What can you do to GAL? What goals do you have?