Focus on you and the baby. I know its hard to be patient. Make yourself think about your plans for today and tonight. People may not agree but I think his anger is a good thing. He is mad about the shorts and you going out because he is starting to think!! It sounds like you are doing a good job you just have to make your mind stop dwelling.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
Patience. Patience. Patience. I say that because I know that I also struggle with it. You are at the outset of this journey, and no one can tell you how long it will last, but surely longer than you are thinking right now. I have now gone months without a real conversation with my W. At first, it was hard to survive even a few days without contact, but eventually I reached a place where I was no longer expecting to hear from her. Then I reached a place of not wanting to hear from her because it upset me when i was starting to feel okay. Now, when I receive a short email from her, i just shrug it off.
The question isn't whether or not he is creating his own life, it is why aren't YOU creating your own life? That's what GAL is all about. Turn your mental focus and energy inward on creating the life you want for yourself.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Limbo is hard, trying to guess what they are thinking. Don't try to guess!!! You do have to, as hard as it seems, do things to get your mind off of what he is doing/thinking, do things that will make you feel better about yourself, even if for short periods of time. It took me about 2-3 months to fully grasp this concept of GAL and detaching. At first it feels forced and fake but you have to push through. My WW did the exact same, days of anger and disgust, days of hope and positivity, a mostly days of limbo which seem the hardest to cope with. She also spent a ton of money on a whole new wardrobe of sexy clothing that I knew was not for me. Little by little I started doing my self change, got back in shape, new clothes, doing things out of or around the house that I had not done in a while, checking in with old friends. I kept thinking file for D, get her attention but thankfully people here talked me out of doing it for the second time...BTW my attorney thinks I'm nuts now lol.
Fast forward 5 months from my BD and my WWs fantasy world is crashing around her, fighting with OM, spending time at home with me. Questioning whether I have found someone else because of my changes and activities and look. She has noticed but she also is getting the message that I can do this with or without her.
You will hear it a lot here but it is a marathon not a sprint. If you want to see if this meant to be you have to let go and work on you. That doesn't mean discard him but carry on as hard as it feels, it will get easier. I had that vivid imagination in my head what was going on when my WW was not home but I built up defense mechanisms that would not allow me to even think about it by spending more productive time on myself and my kids.
Hang in there and keep posting!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Remember, you and he are both on emotional roller-coasters. You are giving all of this too much head space and that will always make the emotional swings worse.
So what. He had a haircut and shower yesterday. Did you expect him to give up all personal grooming until all this was resolved? Please make it a habit to read the detachment thread every day. This is what I did. I copy and pasted things like sandi's rules to local storage on my phone so I could read them whenever I was spiraling. When our emotions run wild we forget those good DB principles.
kech, you are stuck in a cycle. You remind me of another poster here that cycled constantly, and still has very little peace although his D is almost complete, and his STBXW has completely moved on with her new life. The real goal of DBing is to get you happy and healthy NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SITCH'S OUTCOME. When we DB to manipulate our spouse we are setting ourselves up for major disappointment, and the emotional damage and fallout that goes with it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, would you say the cycle is just feeling like I need something to happen every few days in order to feel relevant in my H mind? Because I think thats how i feel. As if letting limbo go on makes him just feel content with his life (his OW and him get to have fun, and then he gets to come here and see me and spend time with D and then go back to his other life after).
I feel like he is just going to forget everything about me in time. Im just being lost in the background somewhere. No more texting during the day, nothing. We have no communication until he is on his way to come see Daughter. Its so bizarre all of a sudden. And I hate that is doesnt kill him the way it absolutely kills me. You nailed it though, it is cycling and I need to get out of it.
Neffer, thanks so much for your help. Did you pull away from your W a lot while seeing OW, even when you were not living in the home with your W?
ED, I appreciate the kind words. I hope you are right, although his anger has seemed to subside the last few days and he just seems A-Ok now.
Davide- "The question isn't whether or not he is creating his own life, it is why aren't YOU creating your own life? That's what GAL is all about. Turn your mental focus and energy inward on creating the life you want for yourself." So true. I feel like I started to create my own life for a few days just 2 weeks ago, like I started doing things for myself around the house to make myself happy, and then he started telling me how all my changes hurt his feelings, which I think he meant just everything, how I dress, my attitude towards things is better, I was changing things in the house, and I started to feel like I was making him sad so I kind of put it on hold. Time to stop thinking about him and doing things for me again.
Lost, thank you! limbo IS SO HARD. Im glad to hear your wife seems to maybe be coming around. You 2 live together also, I asked my husband to leave 3 weeks ago if he was unwilling to be transparent with his phone and who he was speaking with. He was unwilling so I asked him to go. And since then things have heated up with him and OW, because he doesnt have to come home everynight anymore. He is living the life so it seems. Part of me feels like I made a mistake making him leave, but a bigger part of me knows I was being so disrespected by him living here and just living like he was a single man. Its disgusting.
Neffer, 1 more thing, YOu stated that Limbo is for you guys, the WS. That is probably why I feel so horrendous being in it. Doesnt it just allow thw WS to build a stronger and stronger relationship with OW? I know about OW and have told my H I know about her, and he denies it, says there is no one else. Tells me all the time he is sleeping at his best friends house, blah blah blah. I do not bring her up, but when I found out 2 weeks ago I told him I know and he swore there is no one (lie, lie lie). Anyways, knowing limbo is for the WS, doesnt it just allow him to build something more with OW while me, (his wife) and daughter are just at home kind of letting things be. I leave when he comes over, I try to not let him have as much access to me, but im just terrified of him falling in love with her. Im terrified if I dont continue MAKING myself relevant in his life, he will just forget about me and move on with her. Any insight into your mind on this?
kech, I think you are getting hung up on the fear that your lack of contact with him will make his bond with the OW stronger.
So what is the option? To pressure and pursue him? Statistically pressure and pursuit (I'd estimate the success rate of these at activities at less than 1%) do that far faster than detachment does!
So you can detach, and continue working on that with the hope that the time and space make him miss you. OR you can pursue and pressure him right into the OW's arms. I am really not seeing any other options and I have read and commented on dozens of sitches here.
Go back and read the John and Mary story. Do you love him enough to want him to be happy no matter what? Or are you just afraid of being alone?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Neffer, thanks so much for your help. Did you pull away from your W a lot while seeing OW, even when you were not living in the home with your W?
No K, I left home twice. The first time for a week long, the second time I donīt clearly remember because I was overstressed at work too (welcome to the limbo...), maybe a month away. My W didnīt knew then I had OW when I left home. Of course Iīm not proud of my behavior...
Originally Posted by kech
Neffer, 1 more thing, YOu stated that Limbo is for you guys, the WS. That is probably why I feel so horrendous being in it. Doesnt it just allow thw WS to build a stronger and stronger relationship with OW? I know about OW and have told my H I know about her, and he denies it, says there is no one else. Tells me all the time he is sleeping at his best friends house, blah blah blah. I do not bring her up, but when I found out 2 weeks ago I told him I know and he swore there is no one (lie, lie lie). Anyways, knowing limbo is for the WS, doesnt it just allow him to build something more with OW while me, (his wife) and daughter are just at home kind of letting things be. I leave when he comes over, I try to not let him have as much access to me, but im just terrified of him falling in love with her. Im terrified if I dont continue MAKING myself relevant in his life, he will just forget about me and move on with her. Any insight into your mind on this?
K, thereīs a lot of mind reading there. Stop that for your own sake. Youīll get anxious for free. Cīmon! You control what you control: yourself. DBing seems counterintuitive but it works!
Read again all your sitch. We are all telling you the same things. You have the strength to do this. F@ck the fear. Move!!!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Trust me she is not back, I won't let her back. She is still on a rollercoaster ride and until I know she wants back with full commitment/remorse will keep up doing me. I have not been happier about myself like this in years and have actually been surprised at my reactions to her recent affection. I used to jump in with both feet thinking quick grab her but soon realized after a few days she would run back to OM. She was regaining control and wanted to know she had a back up plan.
I too made that aggressive push in the beginning, phone, snooping, arguments, demands and although she was still living in the house she I had never experienced a lifestyle like she was living, I thought my head was going to explode. Out every night, gone on weekends etc, she is equal owner on house so I legally couldn't kick her out nor would I leave my kids. We have been in in house separation for the last 5 weeks and I think it would have been easier if she had left.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
