For now, I dont know how to not be faking it, since all I truly feel right now is that I miss him like CRAZY and think about him nonstop and am constantly hurt knowing he is out living some fun life with someone else.
I told him I have plans tonight and need him here until 10-10:30. He said that was no problem.
I of course cant wait to REALLY detach, but until then I kind of have to fake it.
Steve, This is very true: "kech, I think you are getting hung up on the fear that your lack of contact with him will make his bond with the OW stronger." Thats exactly how I feel. LET GO LET GO LET GO. Cant believe its been a year since BD and I have such a hard time with having little contact. Granted, since BD we have been together more than we have been separated, we seem to always come back together after a week or 2 or 3. But we never really stopped communicating. I could probably count on both hands how many days we have ever gone not speaking, and its not many at all. And we still communicate right now, just not nearly as often as we used to and its absolutely killing me. I have such a long way to go to truly accept whats happening and face this the way I need to. Stockdale Paradox. I need to face this reality. I dont know why I cant seem to. Weve been in such a pattern and I can see now that him having this OW, in our own city for once, is really going to switch this up and make this very easy for him and very hard for me. His previous OW was 4 hours away. This one is down the street and I feel like he just realized how great this is for him. Hes completely moving on from me with easy access to someone helping him along. And im here suffering.
Today you should contact a counselor, setup a weekly appointment, and then send him a message saying "I need you to watch D every tuesday from 6:30-8pm."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, again what is the alternative? To pressure and pursue? Feel temporary relief but almost ensure you have longterm pain?
See the paradox? Ever seen a road that needed to be repaired? Full of potholes? Every one hates driving on it? FInally the county come through and sets up construction....and every one complains about the construction! Was it better to leave the road potholed and rough? Or is the pain of construction worth the smooth pavement later?
That is your sitch. You are in a construction zone. And you are essentially saying you'd rather go back to the potholed, rough road.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve thank you for that analogy. That is helpful. I definitely do not want to go back to pursuit in any way. I just cant believe how hard of a time I am having with this. When I got home last night H was asleep on the couch with D, like he is every night. And I woke him up and said I would put D in her crib. And as I was putting her in the crib, he left without saying bye. And I went into my room and stood there for a minute just thinking to myself "well there goes another day of us just barely talking."
And when he got here I know he wanted to talk to me just about his day and random family things and I pulled away. But now were in such a weird place that I knew I wouldnt hear from him after he left and I knew I wouldnt hear from him this morning. So it was kind of like wow, this is what this feels like. And i just thought to myself, they really arent kidding when they say be patient. Because these days are really tough, I dont know how many of them I can take. Us not moving forward together, not having conflict, not really getting along wonderfully, just kind of stand still.
A few months ago we had a week or so where we were texting so much throughout the day and just joking with one another like we used to and I remember thinking wow. Maybe this space has been good for us. Maybe we are going to just start over and make this work. And then something would happen and that would stop. And then one week back in June I think, we had a few days where he expressed that he doesnt want to think about me with someone else and he was afraid I was seeing someone. And somehow we ended up texting for hours and sending eachother pics and just being really open with one another. And then that started up our sexual relationship again for a few weeks. Then something happened and I asked him to leave again. Then he came back and then his dad moved in with us for a bit and then I kicked him out again and then so on and so on. Since our original "separation" in April, we have just gone back and forth constantly and there just seems to always be something happening between us. Whether good or bad, but always something. I was very relevant in his life, I was still a player in the game. And now it feels like, ok, I KNOW now that he is seeing someone else, and although he has had this serious anger towards me the last week, all of a sudden it calmed down the last 4 days, and im feeling very stagnant. Very much like hes found his place in his life outside of this and hes just ok right now. He feels like hes going to get his own place soon, and hes got this other life, and hes just goign to make this all work and hes not really worried about anything it seems.
I think im SO caught up on just 2 weeks ago TODAY him coming over so many times, and telling me how sorry he is and how much he wished he handled his unhappiness differently and he hates leaving us and all that. Its like how does someone say those things and then as soon as I call him out about OW its as if im the bad guy and he totally flips the script. Just 2 weeks ago I really felt like we were FINALLY on the right track, and now I feel worse than I have in months. Its crazy. But I do deep down feel like im at a crossroads right now. Im at a place where I have said I want to be. Where I just have some time to let the dust settle. As much as I feel terrified to just let him go live this life with OW and fall more and more from her as him and I talk less and less. I am at a point where I have to truly be patient. Im so used to doing things and them igniting a reaction from him very quickly. Its like I pull away for a day and by the next morning I can usually feel him trying to pull me back. And for the first time, he isnt doing that. And im thinking wow, he doesnt care bc he has someone else.
And I need to realize this is going to take time and i need to really do things for myself. I just have a lot to realize I think. I have an appointment with IC next Wednesday and I am really excited about it. I need an outlet in person.
Your expectations are killing you. The problem with thinking so much about your H, it has become a substitute for DOING SOMETHING.
I am so happy to hear that you are seeing an IC. This should be a tremendous help.
Please make more plans for the weekend. Fill your GAL calendar up. That should be a goal.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Expectations are definitely killing me. We’ve just been at this for so long and it feels like this is the first time I’m truly letting go, knowing there’s someone else with him, and I just have to let him go and not really kick the dust up and kind of just let things be. It feels awful. It feels unnatural completely. And I’m letting go and he’s not pulling me back for the first time and it’s a hard pill to swallow. He’s content. He’s seemed like a total rollercoaster of emotions all along, like a total mess. And for the last few days he has just seemed content. That’s the only word that seems fitting. And I guess I don’t want him to be content. I don’t want him to be angry with me, but I don’t want this sitch so it’s like I want him to not want it either.
But you know what. I went into this week TERRIFIED about the divorce talk he said we were going to have to look over the dissolution paperwork. It’s now Friday and we haven’t done that. I went into the week just saying to myself I need more time to DB. I need more time to not discuss the divorce and just work on DBing and really doing this. So although the week isn’t over, and the conversation is still a possibility, the anger I was so concerned with has subsided. I didn’t want to go into the D talk with him being angry. So now, if we have the discussion, he isn’t holding onto that anger so that’s Good. And if we don’t have the discussion then I’m being given time. I need to start looking at the very few silver linings In this situation. Bc there are very few. But they’re there.
This is classic WAS/WS lack of follow through! I knew when he said it there was less than a snowball's chance in hell that he would actually follow through. WSs in particular are all spit and bark with very little bite.
As far as the communication. The joking, the sharing of each other's day. Why would you want to engage with him like that? He fired you as his wife. Why would you want to continue to try to act in that role? Where would his sense of loss be if you sat there and listened to him like a wife would? What is he doing to deserve you as a wife?
kech, have you had self-esteem and worth issues in the past? Might be something to explore with the IC. Women with a strong sense of their value usually do not allow a man to treat them anyway they want and then still hang on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Its weird because I feel VERY confident in myself. I think when this all happened, me being pregnant REALLY did a number on me. I think I felt insecure before getting pregnant because I wasnt in the best shape and I had a miscarriage just 2 months before and it was REALLY hard for me. And then H left for his job 2 weeks after we found out I was pregnant, and then just a few months later was BD, and my hormones during pregnancy had me ALL over the place. I look back at that and just wish SO bad I had immediately told him to kick rocks. SO BAD. When I found out about OW, I told him to pack his sh*t and get out. Had I stuck to it, I would be in a MUCH different position right now, and I wish I had. But he would ALWAYS cry his way right back and promise it would never happen again. I was in an awful position about to give birth to our first child, we just bought a house, it was a lot.
It wasnt really me being insecure in myself as much as me just having a dream of our family and loving him so much I believed when he said he would do whatever it took to make us work. And I believed it multiple more times. And now were at a point where for the first time in a few years im actually extremely confident in myself, my body, where my life can go, but I MISS him. I miss him So much, and I hate that hes with OW and it feels debilitating almost. Its like im hanging on with my words on here, but im not hanging on in my actions to him. But I know its all an act, and I need to feel it. When I get angry with him, like when I would see his car at the bar, I would literally be like F HIM, IM SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. etc. But now that im not snooping im not really angry and getting worked up. Im just missing the old him and with the holidays coming up and we have a new baby I am sad for what will be missed. etc.
As far as the joking and all that, I think I felt like maybe we were starting a new relationship to rebuild. I was wrong. Always. It never lasted. He never wanted it enough. And right now were not doing much communicating at all so I guess thats for the best.
BD is awful for anyone. I couldnt imagine going through that while being pregnant. You are a stronger person than me.
My WW has always used anger to not talk about MR issues when they were her fault. I finally realized it was just her trying to control the conversation and me. Stop worrying about his anger. Remember treat him like he is a store clerk!
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
One minute I feel super confident and fine, and the next I feel super sad and wonder what hes doing with his time and if hes falling in love with this OW. This is such an awful thing to go through. And I already know when he shows up tonight im going to smell beer on him. He spends such little time with D each night, like an hour each night before she falls asleep on him. And he just chooses to spend his time doing God knows what and lies and says hes working. I know if I drove by the bar I'd see his car half the time. But I avoid doing that because it gets me nowhere.
I dont know that anything gets me anywhere. In reality everyone has says, nothing I do will change what hes doing. I wish I didnt want to be with him so I could really shock him. One day maybe.
Going to dress myself up after work, makeup on, look great, feel great. And leave when he gets here and go do some things for myself.
