Found W was in a 2 week text/EA with some hlljack loser that works for friends of ours
Limbo ever since, but EA has apparently ended, and she is still on the fence about working on the MR. I am too, but am seemingly more willing to work than she is. Baby steps have been taken, but her steps always seem to come with a 'disclaimer'.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
EAs don't just go away... My Ex at one point said she tried to break up with om 40 times.
I agree with this in general. However, there are exceptions. My W's EA ended relatively quickly, mainly because OM ENDED it. Of course she was wayward at that point so she immediately began looking for OM#2. So in general, what Vapo says here is true T. Even if OM#1 is out of the picture it doesn't mean she didn't already have her sights set on OM#2. Stay diligent.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Im about 90% sure her little texting A is done, but cant be certain obviously. And i guess its possible shes chatting up some other loser. I doubt it but who knows
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
EAs don't just go away... My Ex at one point said she tried to break up with om 40 times.
Lol. She "tried". Breaking up is something one person can do, if they choose.
Yeah, but you have to understand, that their brain chemistry is all screwed up. The affair is like a drug to them, firing pleasure releasing oxytocine (the happy hormone) into her brain and giving her a high (Yeah, an actual drug user's high). This is not my conclusion, there have been numerous scientific studies confirming it. Studies have also found a serious hormone imbalance was also occurring in the brain of waywards (between oxytocine, serotonin and dopamine), all connected with depression. It is an exhaustive subject and it would be highly trivial to attribute the sudden change of behavior to "simple" chemical imbalance. It is most likely a combination of many factors which will not be fully understood any time soon. You can google the subject, it is quite an eye opener...
And before you ask, no, you cannot add missing hormones to the brain to repair the imbalance.
Yea you're right about that Vapo, I really wasn't considering the brain chemistry until you said it. I read a lot about it from another marriage psych person (I don't think I can say his name?).
It's crazy the science behind these things.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
not much convo at all last two nights with W. She worked late and I went to bed early.
This afternoon after some small talk, W said she wants to call a MC on monday for us, in hopes of getting an appt next week. Said she wanted to call today, but we weren't able to coordinate our schedules last night.
Watched a movie w/ son tonight, and have plans with son tomorrow.
I didn't reply much about MC. Just said that I think I"m free next friday. I'm assuming this is a good thing, but to be honest, I still have a lot of doubts. I guess that's normal. We went to a therapist after we first got married, and it basically consisted of W telling me all the things I'm doing wrong. This time, i have a lot of things to get off my chest too, which I'm not sure how W will handle it.
My expectations are still somewhat low, despite W continuing to make plans for 'us' in the future, talking about home wants/needs, etc. She still has made zero attempt at any type of physical contact, which bothers me a bit. But honestly I don't have much to complain about, and again, this wouldn't be happening without this forum. So thanks to everyone!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Well just like most things the last few weeks, a positive night ended on a negative.
As the night progressed, the number of drinks she got down her throat did too. So as I was getting ready for bed she (now drunk), started asking a myriad of questions. Apparently she had an IC during the day, and what I'm learning is that after her IC appts, IC asks her questions about me, my motivations, feelings, etc. So W will ask or grill me later on.
So after keeping answers honest and somewhat brief, she again then started unloading complaints and resentments she's been harboring for 10 years. I listened. I validated. I never argued my point of view. I listened to her again rewrite (or at least misremember) our history and specific details, and I didn't point any of it out.
On the inside I wanted to flip the F out, but instead I just said 'i'm going to bed'. W said somethign like 'you're like a little boy that doesn't want to hear what he did wrong so he runs from the conversation.' I say 'I'm more than happy to finish the convo tomorrow'.
So here's my big question/problem I have with this, and I need an expert to answer:
HOW FAR DO WE GO WITH VALIDATING???
If I/we never argue our point of view or the facts, then they are obvioulsy going to think they're always 100% right about everything, that we are to blame for everything, etc. Literally I felt like Ross Gellar when he was getting back with Rachel and she kept telling him how she appreciates that he takes total blame for everything. Finally he flips out and screams "WE WERE ON A BREAK!!" That was me last night, except I just went to bed.
I said in my previous post that MC will be interesting. Is that the appropriate place to start to explain my side of things, to point out obvious falsehoods in our past that she seems to think are true, etc? And I'm also realizing that all of this stuff is moot if she doesn't get her drinking under control. Here's one specific thing she 'believes' that is completely wrong. When our son was born, she claims I NEVER helped with anything, and was more focused on playing softball and baseball. Now, 'never' helping is a bit of an exaggeration. True, the first two months she was the one up at night with him, and caring for him all day. Why? Because I was working at a new job and she was on maternity leave! And as far as playing sports, I know for a fact I didn't start playing softball until over a year after son was born, cause I broke my wrist at the beginning of my first season playing (which was a year after he was born).
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
