Curious as to others thoughts. I am much happier than I was 2 months ago when I started GAL and fully detaching a month ago. I have been getting out reconnecting with friends, getting a lot of backlogged repairs around the house done, spending more time with family that I hadn't in the past, reading, talking to some ladies on a friendly basis, etc. I really could care less which way my M goes at this point but my wife's issues outside of her A don't seem to be addressed by her and I feel like our house is stuck in a painful limbo.
She won't agree to D, says R conversations would be to heavy and hasn't been able to talk while drinking, then recently said she is so confused and emotional that I shouldn't try to talk to her while she is drinking. I was like, that doesn't leave much other time to talk about anything even though I do not instigate any R talks it is her.
If you followed my thread my WW had been abusing alcohol and drugs back in Jun/July/early Aug until she claimed she was going sober and no more drugs. Although she is slipping back into those patterns and I see her drinking more, hitting a THC vape, and I'm sure some others, she is just better about keeping it away from the house. Honestly I don't know how she is functioning in her job because she has a lot of responsibility and I know she is only one hiccup from losing it.
Just don't know what to do from here. Could get evidence for forced D, could make things difficult so that she maybe leaves. Just dont know...I'm being patient but I just don't see this environment being healthy especially for my S14 for too much longer.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Hey Steve, what are your thoughts on my sitch. I think I have been successfully GAL, detaching etc but my WW has not changed a thing although she has noticed and has told me so. My impatience is from the fact I am supporting the entire household as she runs around as she pleases. Won't D won't R just leaning on her issues and how she is broken, her financial sitch is getting worse. I keep thinking I need to engage to get her out or get her moving in a different direction because it is affecting my S14. I think she is content with this limbo where she pays nothing and continues to live independently.
I feel like that is the only reason I come back to pushing an issue to get some sort of resolution. Can one live in this limbo, purgatory for a long term?
From my GAL thread.
lost8, my best advice is to slow down, and give it some time. BD was just a little over 4 months ago, in these sitches that is minuscule. Thought to you it has felt like an eternity. Also, you talk about GAL and detaching but then that she isn't changing. Which tells me you are still not detached. When you no longer care what she is doing or saying, then you can say you are detached.
I would encourage you to give it time. Most of our sitches resolve themselves one way or another. And while you are growing impatient, I advise LBSs to give it a year before pushing forward with D. It is always your right to throw in the towel, but I think the danger in doing it too early is that you would always wonder what could have been if you gave it more time. So slow down, breathe, and let things play out a little. Give her the time and space to come around.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, I'll do my best. My continued impatience, I guess I expected something one way or another after 5 months, 98% of the time I could care less about my WW reactions to me but when my son keeps noticing and says he's going to have his own "intervention" about his absentee mom, it makes it hard to not get involved again.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Oh and at this point should I push the issue?...I was going to say if you decide to spend this weekend out again I intend to move back into the MBR, deal with it. Is that me getting my b a l l s back or looking for a reaction? At this point im more comfortable in my room in the basement and actually sleep better.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I would definitely take the MBR back. I struggled with that a few weeks ago (NGS). Now she is in the guest room with no tv. Not much difference but I think it reminds them they are wrong.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
Update and no expectations.....there has been more dialogue with WW and I in past few days, no R talk but life. She has made up with both parents who are across country that she wrote off as dead back in May and is working to get things in order in her life. She has been asking me what plans I have for the weekend and thinks she knows that I am seeing someone. Funny how just doing innocent things and feeling better about myself and not caring what she is up to causes this...there should be a term...lol.
Long story short after a few hours of talking and maybe some drinking some of her anger started coming out. I used boundaries at that point to say that this has been good but I won't argue about all of the things that I have done to make her upset. I took that opportunity to walk away, end the conversation and retire to my bedroom. Soon after getting an FU text she followed up with come back up and finish this bottle of wine, I declined saying I won't argue and it was a good time to end the night. A few minutes later she was in my room wanting to sleep in my bed.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Yes there are some good signs here. I think the most difficult thing you are going to face is her drinking. There is little good that can come from it and you distancing yourself from her as much as possible when she drinks is advisable. YOu did a great job in this interaction, just keep up the good work.
Also, she slept in the bed with you? Now is a good time to capture the flag....IE take back the MBR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes she did stay....in my room in the Q size bed. I was like take your ars upstairs to the K bed I want to spread out, but didn't actually say that. Yes the drinking will be a challenge because it does bring out all her pain but it is all projected on me. Her hostility has decreased via text as well so maybe she's thinking a bit more clearly...just a bit though.
She also said she is staying home this weekend, obviously because she said is done with OM, guess he had enough of her chit or maybe she sees me drifting away, dunno. Asked me multiple times about someone else in my life and funny as heck. My oldest son called at 11PM and she popped up out of bed and said who is that and grabbed my phone before I could.....hmmmmm
How do I play this one I have some things to do all weekend but do I leave her alone all weekend if she is making an effort of is this most likely plan B for her?
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
You need to be ready with a list of boundaries and conditions for R.
Things like:
1) She stops drinking. 2) She agrees to MC. 3) She sends OM a decease and desist message (preferably verbal) with you present. 4) You both share the MBR. 5) etc. so forth and so on
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
