Kech girl, freedom...is for you. You don’t control H, you control yourself. You need to detach. Please go to post one and read again Cadet’s post. You need to DB. I know it’s hard but, what else can you do?
Don’t hold the tears, let them go. Free yourself. You control your life, you live your life. You are the lighthouse.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
You are on two parallel paths. One path is D. The other is attracting H back to a committed R.
One is a legal agreement between two people. The other is a personal bond. Keep these two separate in your mind.
Again, you can not control his actions. You can control how you respond.
Originally Posted by kech
How long do I allow this freedom and for him to continue this relationship with OW before I just say I want a D?
Actions speak louder than words. Do not tell him you want a D. Get yourself educated on D. Time is on your side as long as you are taking actions. Your goal is to understand the D process better that H. Right now, I do not believe that is the case. If H has stared the paper work, he has done some homework.
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He didn’t come see daughter last night because his friend hurt himself on their job and he said he had to take him to the ER. Then he sent me a pic of his friend in the hospital and told me what happened, but I know he went on with his night out drinking with the OW.
Yes. He will use EVERY excuse he can. He could have came over afterwards.
This is where I believe you should have parenting time INTERRUPTING his play time. HIS Friday and Sat nights should be tied up parenting while you take care of you.
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...hold back the tears. I miss my H so much.
We understand. Let the tears flow while you are alone. Morn the lose of the old R. HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I actually told him from now on I want him home with daughter Friday nights and Saturday nights he can have his freedom and I will get a night alone with her. I’m sick of waiting around for him on Saturday nights to just come for an hour and then leave to go out.
My dear, you are still spinning, and it's sad to watch. I feel you, girl. I can relate to everything you say. If I could go back and give former self myself advice, I would. If I could do things differently post BD, I would. I cannot go back in time, but I can tell you now what I think. I really don't have anything new or different to add, but perhaps I can reword some of what I have already said.
You continue to focus on him and OW and mindread. It's not working. You honestly have no idea what is going on between them and so there is no reason to constantly think about it. You mentioned more than once that before you told him you knew about OW 2 weeks ago things were going so good and you were making progress. Please listen carefully when I say, "no, you were not." He may have been acting in a more pleasant manor, but you were not making progress, he was not moving closer to R, and you did not do anything to cause the change. There are many reasons that waywards can act more pleasant (or more moody/angry), and it is not a direct correlation to his feelings for you or his feelings for OW. There were times my H wanted to come home and I had no idea! There were also (many times) that their R was full of drama (she was very needy and insecure), and again I had no idea. He was on his own journey and things unfolded and I could not control that. Me knowing more, would have only hurt me.
I have told you this before but I tried to play this same game and figure all this out. I was wrong! The times he was pleasant, were not the times he was closer to R. The times he was more defensive or distant, were not the times he was moving further away (he was already gone). And his mood, or lack of reaching out, was no indication of where his R stood with OW. Trust me on this! You have no idea what the dynamic is between them, so there is no reason to think about it and make assumptions. AND, if in the off chance, you are correct, and yes, things between them are going great right now, well then what??? You feel worse about your sitch and worse about yourself.
Take your power back. Only you can get yourself unstuck We can all tell you the same things every day, but it is going to take some will power, strength, and grit to start moving in a better direction now. You CAN do it. You just have to make the decision to do it and then put in the hard work. Then, and only then, you can start to feel better. You will also start to gain some confidence and knowing that you can do this.
I am not really a fan of the term limbo. I read a lot of posters saying that they are in limbo and how hard it is. I think it's far better, to kick that thinking, and see things for how they are. The marriage is over. Dead. Gone. Done. Maybe you are M on paper, but that is about it. The only reason it feels like limbo, is because you are hanging on. You are sitting there waiting for him to come back. It won't work. I am sorry. Once you accept that the M is dead, you can start to grieve the end of it and move on.
I think it's time to worry less about what he's doing and if he's coming back, and begin to create a life without him, assuming he is never coming back. My sitch didn't turn around until I adopted that attitude. Think about it from this angle. you cannot make him come back. You cannot make him do anything. And why would he really want to come back when he knows he can just walk all over you? He doesn't respect you anymore. You gain respect from other people by respecting yourself first. This all is a process and takes time. Then maybe down the road, he will see what he is missing out on.
You want to know how long this can take? For some people it can take years. Can you really spend the next year torturing yourself like this? My H had an EA with OW for about 8 months and then BD (I found out and he left the house), then when we separated he had a full on R/PA with her for about 10 months. That is a long time. And still, after him being back for so long now, I can tell you, it is not the same. It will never be the same. .... But you cannot get those first months and years back with your baby; she is here now and let her be your focus, every little milestone should be treasured. You dont need him for that.
Just start with the acceptance and grieving. A daily cry. Then some GAL and 180. The another cry. You can soothe yourself and that also creates confidence. I am a much stronger and more independent person now because of what I went through! And when you start to think about him and OW, imagine they are 2 containers of leftovers, stick them in the back of the fridge, and deal with them later. Let that time get longer and longer and one day you will be ready to throw it out.
... oh, and please don't come back with how you have to see him all the time for the baby and he comes/goes/cancels, etc, because you really can create a schedule and stop that nonsense. Email. Agree. Stick to it. No flexing. You can do that. Then you know, these 3-4 times per week, he has her, they have their time, you have yours, and no more drama.
Take a little step out of the spin cycle. One day at a time. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you thank you thank you. I read this outloud to a friend of mine, the only friend I’ve told about my sitch, and as I read it, we both cried.
I came home and told H I want to do a schedule of Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights he can have a few hours with her and then Sundays. I told him I think it gives us both time alone with her and will help us moving forward. He said ok. So now that’s our schedule. I of course was terrified to do it, afraid he would bring up divorce. Which he still might, but I know I have to let go of my fear. I have to let go of the marriage all together. Easier said than done. But I think him not coming every night to see her will help me move forward in this. And of course I hope it allows him to feel the loss a little more. He doesn’t want to be a family so he shouldn’t get to live every night like we’re a family.
I will be able to schedule my time a little better now, etc. I can’t believe how nervous it all makes me to confront him about things. When that used to never affect me. It’s all so strange. I’m so afraid of what he will say next because I’m so sick of being sad. And he knows exactly what to say to get to me and he will do it and it hurts. But I made the schedule. I did it. One step closer to living for ME. I also told him today that once he gets his own place we can discuss scheduling but that she will not be sleeping at his house until she’s at least a year. As she’s still nursing. But even if she wasn’t. I’m putting my foot down when it comes to her, and if he doesn’t agree then he can take it where he needs to take it.
He wanted out of this marriage, it’s time for him to start feeling the repercussions of that. I’m still being nice, I’m not being mean. I’m probably being too nice. But i do believe it is time for him to start feeling the loss of all this and for me to stop making this so easy for him. Bending and breaking my back just in hopes I don’t upset him and push him closer to OW. Giving him more freedom terrifies me, but it also gives me more freedom, which needs to be more important to me than the fear I feel about him and OW. I’m seeing the light, I think!
Thanks burned. I will do that. I just had a complete meltdown, in the living room by myself. I honestly think that him and I have been in a cycle for the last 4-5 months. We would separate, live apart, then he would say something or I would say something, we would talk, and somehow someway or another, we would come back together and try to make it work and live together again. And then I’d end up getting fed up with his lifestyle and i knew he was cake eating so I’d ask him to leave. This has happened 4 times since April. And right where we are right now is when it becomes so hard it feels like it would be easier to show him how I feel and try to come back together, and for the first time ever I’m not doing that. And the sadness of it all is so overwhelming.
I know I’ll be stronger for this, I know I’ll be better off just going through the Fire to get to the other side, but it’s so hard to imagine ever getting through this with how hard it feels. I just want my best friend back and I’m heartbroken he doesn’t want that too. But I refuse to go backwards. I refuse to start over and put myself through this again. I have to push through. I’d he ever decides to try to be with me again, it would be so much work. And I can’t see him ever wanting to put that work in. Do I hope he does? Absolutely. But I am going to do my best to stay strong for now and keep pushing through this fire. And it is hell
Kech, About 2 years ago my w said she wanted a D. I found out later there was OM. She denied they were even talking. They had broken up 2 times and he went back to his gf. I begged her to tell me what was going on. If she was leaving anyway what was the difference. She said she wasn't talking to him and she just wanted to be by herself. After a couple weeks of this I finally told her if she didn't talk to me I would send all the disgusting texts and emails I found to his girlfriend. I did. And within a few hours they were off to dinner and a hotel together, which ww (and I) paid for. They stayed at hotels for a couple nights until she got her apartment. OM was in the apartment 1 day then he went back to his girlfriend. I guess I got lucky.
The reason I wrote this is to discourage you from asking H about the situation. He is going to lie anyway. And then you will be more confused. Also, I think it very important to not let them back so easily. I did 2 years ago and I am in the same predicament. I believe this is something you have to prepare yourself for. For me if she said I want to come back I would have said hell yeah! But thats a big mistake.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
Thanks so much. You’re right. I have let him come back so many times now, and I have no plans of doing that again. It would be so much easier to just pour my heart out to him and tell him to come home and allow him to come and go as he pleases, if he chose to come back once I opened the door to it. But I’m not. I can’t put myself through this and prolong this. I know I have to push through the hell. I have to get to the other side. If he misses me in the process and decides I’m worth fighting for, great. If not, then I’m still pushing through to get to wherever my life is going to take me. I am feeling the pain, and I know it will get harder and harder but with time I’ll get stronger. He spent all day here with daughter and we will officially start the new schedule now. So we will not be seeing him tomorrow.
Of course I’m afraid he will bring up divorce now that I’ve enforced a schedule. But I had to do the schedule. Even if it pushes him towards OW. I needed to do it for me, to have a few days a week where I don’t have to see him or think about his time or how he will act or anything.
I’m glad we agreed on everything concerning the baby. That’s most important.
