Not sure DB is working? AnotherStander help!

[why15]

Hi Jlh, I just read up on your latest...my H has/does the same.. we have a home and a weekend property that have both been left for me to deal with.. he offers no help with physically helping .. we have pets that he groomed that I am now dealing with..when I talked to a lawyer my H got all weepy and asked me not to divorce . he said he needed space and time.. well, mine has been involved with OW for 3.5 years and living with her for 3 so I don't know how much time and space he needs. I don't want a divorce , my h has so many issues he needs to address and deal with and I am doing all I can to wait this craziness out but it is very hard..

when I ask mine what he wants all he says is he wants peace.. if I say ok, then file for divorce and go your own way.. he gets upset and shuts down and hides.. if I mention lawyers he curses at me..

I have backed off a lot over the last few weeks, I guess you could call it DARK.. I stopped initiating contact unless I absolutely had to and by that I mean unless I need his signature on something or he has an actual document I need I do not try to talk to him anymore..

Detaching from them is soo very hard, but I see why everyone says it is necessary..

you are doing the best you can..protecting yourself and your child is what is important ..

[Jlh]

I feel like it's you're damned if you do and damned if you don't at times. I'm working much harder on keeping a happy face and doing my 180 while detaching. We just had a mini party for us and our son for his birthday this weekend where H was chatty and happy one minute and then quiet and thoughtful the next during the time he was here. I ignored it instead of doing my usual asking if he's alright.

I've been super focused on my new therapist and looking for work but from time to time I get caught up in thinking of happier memories of me and H.

The fall season is our favorite season together but I'm pushing past that to focus on me and my son instead of moping around like I want to do some days.

[Jlh]

I just have to vent, I don't understand the rudeness of these runaway spouses. H came over to pick up our son for a few hours and I said hello to greet him being polite. He didn't answer me so I stopped my cleaning and looked straight at him and said hello again pointedly. He greeted me back but then as we were talking about our kiddo's appt. this morning and school he just walks off, cutting me off and I'm talking.

I don't get the attitude and rudeness at all. Oh and he asks to use the bathroom. It's still his house too even though he acts like it's torture coming here. Why is this dis-ease not labeled as a real mental illness? And I don't get it when people say that some of their spouses come back and seem to have no memory of how horrible they treated their LBS.

I would love to tell him how he acts but I read and hear to be polite and civil, but I have a feeling explaining the rudeness wouldn't even sink in on him.

[sia]

Jlh, see him for the grown up man child that he is, have no expectations. When he is rude and ignoring you, he is a teenager, if you are explaining to him how you feel it is like telling a toddler about it. None of us can ever understand their mental status, at one point I thought WH might have a brain tumor or terminal illness for him to be behaving the way he was, yes it should be a clinical mental illness, I call it the run away syndrome.
Seeing how some LBSs eventually become WASs themselves it seems like it is contagious too, lol

Focus on you, on your kids. What helps me is always writing about my life outside of WH, adding to my posts what I am doing, how my kids are doing. I follow up every venting session with this, a lot of times it is tailored thoughts, we keep ourselves a balance of both emotions, some day we will lean more towards ourselves and less about the WHs.

What is Jlh doing, how is she making her own life better, what areas are improving now that WH is not affecting those, how are her wonderful kids doing? What are you still thankful to have?

[Jlh]

Honestly Sia, right now I am so fed up with this behavior I'm really thinking hard about what I want later. I hear that these people sometimes come back and just seem to forget all the antics and things they said which just boggles my mind. How do you just forget treating your spouse like they are your worst enemy and dirt.

I just got a new job, my son is happy in school, the only thing really stressing me out is the debt he put us in with his shenanigans. My friend gave me info to join a great charity group she and her family do that our son can even join in if he would like. I want to get out and meet people and make friends. I was sad at first because fall is H and my favorite season together, but I am now doing cool things like apple and pumpkin picking and decorating for Halloween with our son and we have a blast together.

The only part of H that is annoying me really is his immaturity now. I see a therapist and he gives me things to think about and work on regarding my own well being and so far I've gotten a job, stopped reading up on midlife crisis, made my goal weight loss number, paid off one of my debts. I'm slowly getting there and I realize I am a strong woman who can handle being a single mom. A month ago and further back after the bomb drop I wouldn't have imagined being this tough now but I am back to doing my hobbies at night, watching movies on my own, and doing things I like to do for me.

If he doesn't come back, I know I'm going to be okay. If he does, we will have some long discussions on what will happen.

[Jlh]

So H doesn't talk to me in person if he can help it, he avoids the house and me. Well last night I was a little surprised when he asked me how I was doing. I did my usual and kept the conversation casual and polite and I didn't say too much.

This morning I get an email from his asking if I'm ready to talk about the D paperwork (which he rarely brings up and it's out of date with a lot of the info on it.) But he asks me if I'm ready to talk about it and how mediation and joint filing is MUCH easier than going to court. The thing is this isn't a mutual joint thing. He left the home and abandoned us. He was polite in the beginning of the email but by the end he was scolding me for hanging on and saying he'll file separately if he needs to.

He only talks in email and text about this stuff, never in person but when he does he runs off quickly.

I don't get the threats of the filing separately, just file if you're going to file. I told him that I'd rather discuss it all in person to which I get no reply.

I have good days, more good than bad, and this is a funky day.

[Jlh]

So when we are detaching and finally doing okay for ourselves, how do we handle when our midlife/walkaway spouses barely acknowledge us. My H comes over to pick up our kiddo and he barely looks at me or forces himself not to look me in the eye, doesn't return my polite greeting most of the times, will just walk away to go see our son WHILE I'm talking about things he asks about regarding our son's school, health, etc. Lately I had a few questions for him on some generator and house things since its getting colder and you'd think I asked him of the world. It's beyond getting old. I asked about the generator so I can keep his son warm in a blackout and he barely talks.

I'm doing much better with detaching, but the rudeness just irks me. Who is this guy to treat me like this?? HE'S the one who left us, had an EA, put us in debt, etc, yet he acts like I'm the villain and acts like something he found under his shoe.

I've read here and elsewhere that trying to ask him things won't help so can someone tell me how they handled when their spouse treated them rudely. I'm not asking for him to sit and have coffee and chat, I just want him to have some common courtesy and treat me like a person and not some scumbag who did him wrong.

I don't know how other LBS do it because right now I'm at my wits end.

[Ready2Change]

So when we are detaching and finally doing okay for ourselves, how do we handle when our midlife/walkaway spouses barely acknowledge us.

Persevere-Happily and patiently. Treat him like anyone in the service industry.

My H comes over to pick up our kiddo and he barely looks at me or forces himself not to look me in the eye, doesn't return my polite greeting most of the times

His issue. Do not worry about it. Focus on being friendly and happy.

,

will just walk away to go see our son WHILE I'm talking about things he asks about regarding our son's school, health, etc.

Stop talking. If this pattern continues. Set a boundary.

Lately I had a few questions for him on some generator and house things since its getting colder and you'd think I asked him of the world. It's beyond getting old. I asked about the generator so I can keep his son warm in a blackout and he barely talks

Ask someone else to come help.

.

so can someone tell me how they handled when their spouse treated them rudely.

Set a boundry.
First step: walk way.

[Jlh]

Thanks for the reply, Ready2Change, it's just infuriating that the LBS has to be calm and civil when their spouse is going through this "miserable tunnel" and unfairly treating the LBS like dirt.

I don't chase him, I live my life and raise our son primarily no, I work a part time job now to work on paying late bills and pay for son's food and clothing, and even got a lawyer to protect us. Meanwhile H complains of having little to no money even though he makes a six figure amount with his job. I'm pissed, I'm hurt and I'm scared, yet the books say that I need to be the one to be civil and calm when all I want to do is shake him and say, "get over yourself, you're not the only one hurting now."

It's exhausting and he just casually asks if I'm tired because I looked exhausted. I hold back from shouting at him with comments like that.

[Ready2Change]

I'm pissed, I'm hurt and I'm scared,

These are all normal responses.

yet the books say that I need to be the one to be civil and calm when all I want to do is shake him and say, "get over yourself, you're not the only one hurting now."

The idea is to respond when your emotions are not controlling you. Thinking and logic.

It's exhausting

Yes it is.

and he just casually asks if I'm tired because I looked exhausted.

W",H, I am. goodnight" and walk away.