Steve, you are a beacon of strength for so many of us here who are flailing helplessly in unknown waters. Your MR is strong because you did the work. You and your family are in my prayers. (((Steve)))
For some reason, after coming home to an empty house Saturday from the hunitng property, I was feeling down and vulnerable. One of the 180s I have made is that I am not staying up at the hunting property on Saturday nights. Something I did the last few years. I'd go up on Friday evening, hunt all day Saturday. Hunt Sunday morning, go to church at 10:30am, then hunt in the afternoon before heading home.
That meant that from Oct-Dec, I wasn't worshiping with my wife and D. So I come home, and the house is empy. D had gone to a movie with friends, W had to drive her obviously, so rather than coming all the way home she sat in the car and sang with her singing app waiting for my D to come out of movie.
I was kind of bummed since I 180'd on that so that we'd have more time as a family, and here I am sitting alone in the house.
So I reverted and I snooped. I know, not a very good example for the DBing newbies here. I went to her computer and snooped like I used to prior to March.
Here is what I found (or didn't find!):
First, she was logged into her PC. Something that someone that has something to hide usually doesn't do.
Second, she hadn't cleared history in months. This was completely opposite of when she was a WW. Her history was never more than a couple of days old.
Third, I found nothing. Everything was completely on the up and up. This is in keeping with her consistent behavior as well. When she was wayward, she'd stay up until 2, 3am. I assume chatting. But she has been coming to bed at the same time as me, or very shortly after. And the history was clean. No dating sites. Texting during normal hours, and mostly with myself and D. Just nothing of concern. At all.
Further, as I said, her behavior has been in keeping. She has not be secretive with her phone usage, at all. She hands it over to me unlocked all the time to show me things that she wants me to see.
So this was more my issue. Not sure what prompted me to do this other than coming home to the empty house. BTW, her sitting in the car waiting for D is not uncommon. So even that isn't anything unusual. Just a low moment I guess. First time since late Feb. or early March that I snooped.
Last edited by Steve85; 10/15/1812:33 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, you're an inspiration to most of us on this site. Don't beat yourself up too badly over this. Sometimes, we make mistakes. The fact that you seem to recognize this as a mistake is what matters. Also, you're going to have times when you're alone in the house by yourself. You are going to have to figure out how to deal with alone time that is not detrimental to your marriage. You probably already do, and this is just a one-time aberration.
And it's awesome that you found NOTHING!
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Steve, you're an inspiration to most of us on this site. Don't beat yourself up too badly over this. Sometimes, we make mistakes. The fact that you seem to recognize this as a mistake is what matters. Also, you're going to have times when you're alone in the house by yourself. You are going to have to figure out how to deal with alone time that is not detrimental to your marriage. You probably already do, and this is just a one-time aberration.
And it's awesome that you found NOTHING!
Thanks Jim! That is such a compliment coming from a veteran like you. Not sure why I felt the need to do this. We've been closer than we have been in years. I guess it was mistrust rearing its ugly head.
You are right, I need to find ways to be happy and productive. I was watching MMA, and usually that would keep my mind occupied. But it also shows that I still have a lot of work to do!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't see it as super wrong to snoop. What drives you to snoop? A lack of trust? How do you know if it is still safe to trust? Wouldn't most people want to know if it is safe or not safe?
It's hard to not think of the worst, but I'm sure you're relieved now. What would your W think if she knew you were snooping?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I don't see it as super wrong to snoop. What drives you to snoop? A lack of trust? How do you know if it is still safe to trust? Wouldn't most people want to know if it is safe or not safe?
It's hard to not think of the worst, but I'm sure you're relieved now. What would your W think if she knew you were snooping?
That is what I think bothers me the most. Is if she found out she would be very disappointed. I think she has worked hard for over 6 months to regain my trust, and would be very unhappy to think I didn't trust her. Though I think she'd also admit that she understands why.
Minor setback, back to making sure I am the best me I can be!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The reason we tell newbies not to snoop is that it's usually snooping to find info they already know. "I know my WW has been contacting OM, but did she TODAY? Did she do it yesterday? Is she looking at apartments? or lawyers? etc" It becomes a manic obsession that spirals the newbie down and down.
I think it's perfectly reasonable after 6 months to do a "sanity check" to make sure everything is going as you expect.
That said, be careful on this attitude:
Originally Posted by Steve85
I was kind of bummed since I 180'd on that so that we'd have more time as a family, and here I am sitting alone in the house.
So you came home one weekend when your family was busy and you freak out? Does your W need to be home because YOU were home? What about all that day when you were hunting? You came home because of what you were going to do Sunday AM....not based on your expectation that your family would be super excited to have you home for a couple hours on Saturday, right? What are your expectations here?
These MR's get so complicated once the trust is betrayed, and I think it takes such brutal honesty and the courage to communicate and stay committed even when it's hard. Your W should understand why you might snoop. She should be appreciative of your 180 on hunting time. But she is a human and it still makes sense that she could be disappointed.
Humans often feel more than one way about things, with a tendency to focus on the negative.
Every day life is trying to teach us something, it's on us to learn from it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
The reason we tell newbies not to snoop is that it's usually snooping to find info they already know. "I know my WW has been contacting OM, but did she TODAY? Did she do it yesterday? Is she looking at apartments? or lawyers? etc" It becomes a manic obsession that spirals the newbie down and down.
I think it's perfectly reasonable after 6 months to do a "sanity check" to make sure everything is going as you expect.
That said, be careful on this attitude:
Originally Posted by Steve85
I was kind of bummed since I 180'd on that so that we'd have more time as a family, and here I am sitting alone in the house.
So you came home one weekend when your family was busy and you freak out? Does your W need to be home because YOU were home? What about all that day when you were hunting? You came home because of what you were going to do Sunday AM....not based on your expectation that your family would be super excited to have you home for a couple hours on Saturday, right? What are your expectations here?
Bam! Thank you for the 2x4. You're right.
The good news is that when they got home I was confident, pleased, present, and upbeat. I just wish I had had the right attitude earlier that evening.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
