You have so many awesome posters in your corner. I should have posted here after my BD and found this support, and you deserve credit for your bravery. You are so open, honest and vulnerable. I admire that about you. I am sure I would have written many of the same posts as you do now, but I couldn't. I had so much fear and shame, so I read other stories and found the help and support there. So for every 2*4 I swing now, I am really swinging it at my old fragile self. I don't judge you or anyone for their struggles.
lost8, I agree, would like to meet up with some of you guys too! I know there are several posters that have found one another on FB, but I am not sure how that worked and they found one another. Most likely they made a comment on here that offered some transparency in their users names. Maybe they even changed their FB user name to different words for a short period of time and shared it here.
kech, if you lived near me, I would take you for a coffee and you could cry your heart out to me. Mondays are hard. Mornings are hard. It's all so hard, isn't it :-( Sometimes I wonder how I survived the pain. There were nights I took handfuls of pills just to turn my mind off for a moment. and sleep. There were some days too. You see, I can give all the advice here, but I will never pretend I did everything right. I have made so many mistakes and hurt myself. I still do at times.
I think your crying is a good sign though. You are allowing the grief in and that is how we begin to move forward on this journey. Sometimes the anxiety and depression can set in so hard, it can be a challenge just to get through the day. Are you working now or mostly home with baby? There is some new research out that suggests it is much more difficult to be a stay at home parent than go to work. If you struggle just getting through the day, you could try making lists and then crossing things off as you do them. Put everything on there: cry, feed baby, empty dishwasher, call bestie, pay phone bill, play with baby, make favorite salad, fav GAL activity, cry, use the bathroom ;-))) But seriously, making a daily list can create some focus in the day and you also can see how much you are actually getting done. When your mind starts spinning, let yourself thought stop and go to said list.
I know what you mean about the lack of contact and that fear in the silence. So after BD (those dummies got caught hanging out) my H did not leave right away. There was a couple weeks where I oscillated between rage/lashing out, and desperation/pleading, and he was present and accommodating. While I was shattered to learn about the A, he still wasn't gone in my mind, because he was there, and he was sorry. I can tell you now though, that he was totally gone. Even though he was feeling guilty and would hold me at night and cry and apologize, he was still gone. My impatience with the situation, and my gut feeling that he wasn't fully committed to making our M work lead to me finally saying, "If you are not 100% in this marriage and family, then just get out now." And so he did. He just left. That started the 9-10 months of him being gone and their R together.
It still took me several months to calm down and learn to follow the rules better, GAL, 180, and start the detachment process. I remember there were days and even weeks or months, when we could barely see each other or communicate. We have 3 kids and the oldest teen at the time had to be sent to wilderness and therapeutic boarding school while we were separated, so I couldn't go dark, but I kept it to the absolute minimum. He was never going to get friendship from me. But those silences were hard because my mind would just go to every unimaginable place of despair. It didn't have to be that way though. I could have done a better job at taking care of myself. The space and time is a good thing and it is very necessary in this process.
Let him go. Let him be. He will do what he is going to do anyways, even if you try and hold him back, so at least keep your pride. Even if you were texting occasionally, allowing him to temp check, or allowing some family time with cake, it would not fix this. If anything you would be putting your heart and your ego on the line. You are too good for that. You deserve better than allowing him to use you and absolve his guilt while he is off being a selfish jerk. This is your time and time is on your side. He can go into the real (chitty world) he has created of affairs, drinking at the bars, and being that guy that left his W and baby. You might choose to believe that he is living it up, but I am telling you, he will miss his old life at some point.
Your goal is not to wait for that but to start living yours without him. My girls are now 20, 14, and 8. When I see little babies and toddlers, I am completely fascinated by them and their development. Savor this time with that baby. It does go by so, so fast. And you get to hold your head up high and be the better person in this sitch. You take pride in the mom and wife you are. He is the fool, and the higher the road you take now, the more foolish he will be in the end.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I know this is very true, and she is literally everything I live for. But I just am feeling SO down and out right now. I feel hopeless in every aspect almost. I think I was holding on to hope much more than I even knew, and now that we’re not texting at all and communication seems so much less, I’m really struggling more than I have. It’s almost like when he comes over the last few days, it’s just content. He is pulling away for sure and I feel it a whole lot. I had to just go for a drive. I felt like I was going to crumble. I truly don’t think he has ANY idea how much he has hurt me and continues hurting me. I think he really thinks I’m doing ok. I’m getting out and doing new things and I think he’s under the impression that I’m ok. And I’m so not ok.
I always thought that if either of us ever were to hurt the other, I would want it to be him hurting me. Because I felt like I’d never be able to live with myself if I ever hurt him. He just has always loved me SO much. I couldn’t imagine putting him through any hurt and I always felt like I could handle it better on my end and I could be strong. And here we are and I just never knew this is how it would feel. Mind you, at BD 5 months pregnant a year ago, I was a bigger mess. I couldn’t work, I had to take a few days off. I would wake up and cry in the shower. I was losing so much weight my doctor wanted me in the hospital on iv’s bc I was dehydrated. I was supposed to be gaining weight and lost 20 pounds during pregnancy. It was really bad. But then he came home 3 weeks later and I started to get better. And now he hasnt been living here about 3 weeks-a month now, and we’re talking casually about him getting his own place. And I can tell he doesn’t want to discuss it. He changes the subject so quickly, and I think it’s bc he doesn’t want to face getting his own place. He probably stays with th OW right now and it’s easy for him. Getting his own place will require responsibility and it’s like he doesn’t want that. I don’t know. I just know I feel like I’ll never come out of this sadness. Really looking forward to IC Wednesday
I want to correct you on your thinking here because this is damaging to your perspective. This is very important. He is not thinking about you and how this is affecting you! He is not having the A or leaving the M with the intention of hurting you or punishing you. His only goal is to avoid you and avoid dealing with you because he is imagining a better life elsewhere. This is why we call them aliens and say they are in lala land. He is not thinking about YOU right now. He is completely self absorbed right now. You are merely an obstacle for him to run away freely. Let him run. Remove yourself from his way and he will eventually fall over. You are too good to play this sort of game with life. Rise above.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
If your husband has never, ever acted inappropriately with other women in the past and he's now having an affair it could be related to some inner turmoil he feels about starting a family and being tied down, losing his freedom and youth, or an exacerbation of some undiagnosed mental health condition. It doesn't seem random that the timing of his affair is exactly the time when you're pregnant and having a child. There must be some connection.
In your case, if this has never happened before, your husband will most likely carry on with the affair until he and the OW have a fight and break up. At that point your husband might 'wake up' and realize he took all those risks for nothing and he'll come home ready to fix things. That's what happened with my husband - his affair ended and he came back. I was so angry, bitter, and resentful though and he didn't want to discuss what happened so it got worse and worse until he left again. If you want to save your marriage you need a lot of guidance at the point when he comes back to truly start the reconciliation process if he's willing to do the work.
It's very hard to forgive someone who goes and enjoys their time with another woman who most likely doesn't have a small child so she has all the time in the world to style her hair, do her makeup, and go on romantic dates while you're home in your pajamas looking like a mess struggling to care for a new baby. It's almost harder to forgive than it is to experience the loss you're feeling right now. The marriage is so broken and so much destruction has been done by the time the spouse comes back it's hard to even feel happy. Obviously though there are couples that successfully reconcile so you'll want to learn how that happens.
In the meantime, like right now, it's hard to let go especially when you let go and you see your loved one move on to someone else. If we lived in a society where families have influence over someone and intervene and if the affair becomes public around town then he'd probably come back. Sadly we live in a society and time in history when we value freedom and individuality and even the way marriage works in our culture makes it easy for someone to simply leave to pursue their own individual happiness. It's almost as if the system makes it too easy for affairs to happen and for someone to abandon their family.
I agree with how you're feeling about setting your husband free to enjoy his life with the other woman. It doesn't seem right. It's almost like you're enabling the affair by making it easier for him and all the conditions are now in place for him to move ahead full-steam. The problem is the only other thing you can do is file for divorce. If your husband is caught up in his affair he might agree to divorce because he's not willing to give up the other woman. The hope by not filing for divorce would be that your husband's affair will eventually end and he'll come back, ready to re-commit, without having to go through the pain and expense of divorce. I honestly think in theory promptly filing for divorce is the better option. It shows you're not willing to be a doormat and you have the strength to move on. The problem is we're so broken and unable to think or function in this state that being the one to file for divorce is almost impossible, not to mention you don't want to be the one to file when you're the one who wants to save the marriage.
It seems like a no-win situation. The only thing that helped in my case was when a friend starting calling me every day for several months and offered to fill the void that had been created by my husband leaving until I was strong enough to make it again. If you have a friend or family member who steps up and does that for you I bet you'll feel better. Counseling is great too but counselors only have an hour per week and it's hard to address everything in that one hour.
One other thing to mention if you're nursing an infant is that I believe cortisol and other hormones released by stress can be passed on to an infant and may or may not have a detrimental effect. Small babies can also sense good and bad things in their environments at basic levels so one incentive to try to re-gain your composure is to avoid any negative side effects you could be passing on to your baby. There are lot of things that happen within the first two years of a child's life that can affect them forever and right now your husband isn't there so you're left alone to create the most stable and loving environment possible for your baby. It's hard to do that alone so calling for help, having someone call you ever day or come to stay with you, might be the best thing you can do right now in this fragile state.
When my husband came back the first time I was so happy, happier than I've ever felt, that I completely forgot about DB and everything else. Everything was great for a while until it was clear my husband wasn't planning to make the effort to fix what he'd done. Just in case you leave this forum it's important to remember the marriage isn't yet fixed at the point when they come back. How you act at that time seems to correlate strongly with how likely the marriage is to succeed over the long term. You have to be strong and not let them back until they prove over an extended period of time that they're able to be trusted again. Even then it's never going to be the same.
The final advice I might offer right now is you have an opportunity to use the pain that you're feeling to help others. We tend to think inwardly when we're suffering and focus solely on eliminating our own suffering but you can help yourself and others by reaching out to people around you who in pain to encourage them. I bet others on this forum would appreciate hearing from you. There are lots of threads where no one gets a response because most others are only posting about themselves. If you see someone new and no one responded I bet they'd like to hear from you. Or if you have a neighbor who's sick or a friend struggling with a difficult pregnancy I bet they'd also appreciate your support.
There is still a strong chance your husband will be back so remembering this fact might help, at least temporarily, when you can barely function. We don't want to sit and wait for someone to come back. That's not what the DB approach suggests nor any other approach. You do have to take charge of your own life but if you look at the literature on affairs and infidelity it does appear that most affairs end and you will get a second chance at your marriage. It'd be great if you could keep us posted on the outcome.
His only goal is to avoid you and avoid dealing with you because he is imagining a better life elsewhere. This is why we call them aliens and say they are in lala land. He is not thinking about YOU right now. He is completely self absorbed right now. You are merely an obstacle for him to run away freely. Let him run. Remove yourself from his way and he will eventually fall over.
Kech, here's something I fear: if they're imagining a better life elsewhere, AND they FIND IT, what does that mean about me?
It's a trick. It doesn't say much of anything about me. It says much more about THEM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I so wish I could meet you in person and cry to you, because thats all I do everytime I read your responses. They make me feel so much better but also really face the sitch in front of me. I have made the mistake of allowing him my friendship. Being nice to him, allowing our time together to be a little enjoyable sometimes. I think for a while I felt like if we could reconnect, he would see what he was throwing away. And sometimes I felt like it was working, and sometimes I felt like it allowed him to cake eat. Now I dont even know what im doing.
He told me once a few months ago that he will never be able to look at me as just a friend and that he will never be able to think of me with another guy....yet Ive had no choice but to think of him with OW.When you said yesterday we are in a cycle, you are definitely right. Weve been in a cycle for months now, split up, I kick him out, he comes back, but not fully for our marriage, cycle repeats itself. Right now, im in the point in the cycle when ALL I want to do is cling. I want to text him RIGHT NOW and say come over. We dont have to talk, just give me a hug.
Hes just the only person I want right now. I want him to hold me while I cry and I want him to see what hes done. I know I cant do this. But its all I want to do. And I want him to come back and I know it would only start this cycle all over again. I know he will not come back unless he is ready to, if he ever is.
I truly hope I dont feel like this long. I dont know how you went 10 months knowing he was with someone else. I feel like thats what im starting right now. And this is the 2nd OW. But the other was in a different city so things were very different. This time, this woman who he still denies, lives here. Works at the bar he goes to, I am pretty certain they spend every day together. I know my H. I know how he operates. And the fact that he agreed so willfully to us having a schedule in place, although I am relieved, it also is nothing like him. 3 weeks ago I brought up a schedule and he hysterically cried and left. Now just a measly 3 weeks later hes completely fine with it. Its like hes just decided he really loves his life outside of this.
I am trying. I promise. I am trying to GAL and focus on me. I just dont know how to shut it off. I work full time 8-5 from home, but since having the baby I have in my parents in home office and my mom watches the baby so I can still breastfeed, etc. But my mom is out of town right now, so I am working as well as at home with the baby. Its a lot, yet my mind is still occupied with H. All i think all day is how he is probably texting her when he gets a chance. Going to see her after work. Her and her young daughter, instead of his W and our baby.
I have said all along I wanted to handle this with grace, and I think I have. But its like its just made it SO easy for him. No consequences whatsoever for him. I hope you are right, I hope he will miss his old life at some point, because he IS the jerk who left his W and baby, he just doesnt see it that way somehow.
I appreciate all of you, and Blu you have NO idea how helpful your posts are. I am going to go back through and re-read over and over. Thank you
I wont. Thank you. The days of no contact, like blu said, the silence, it is horrible. HORRIBLE. For your mind to race and wonder what hes discussing with OW and doing with her, etc. But im trying to put them away like leftovers.
Once I am off work I usually start to feel a little better. Get more active. maybe I will go for a run tonight with the baby. It is my first night scheduled alone with her where I dont have to wonder if he is coming by or not, so I should take advantage.
I want to correct you on your thinking here because this is damaging to your perspective. This is very important. He is not thinking about you and how this is affecting you! He is not having the A or leaving the M with the intention of hurting you or punishing you. His only goal is to avoid you and avoid dealing with you because he is imagining a better life elsewhere. This is why we call them aliens and say they are in lala land. He is not thinking about YOU right now. He is completely self absorbed right now. You are merely an obstacle for him to run away freely. Let him run. Remove yourself from his way and he will eventually fall over. You are too good to play this sort of game with life. Rise above.
Blu
Blu is very wise. Listen to her advise.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
