Ovrrnbw, what to do next seems like a critical step. I ultimately believe your wife will choose you but until now she's had the option of you plus OM so she's been back-and-forth. It seems the approach that has the best chance of working at this point, if you still wish to save your marriage, is the strong tough approach. An approach that will demonstrate that you've had it, that this is it, and she doesn't get any more chances combined with a total change in your demeanor may propel her to get serious and decide. You don't need to tell her you know she was at OM's house but you can tell her the fact that she didn't come home last night sent the signal that she's not willing to re-build the trust that's been broken. You can say as a result one of you must move out immediately.
Your wife seems confused and out-of-control so eventually she'll probably settle down and decide what she wants but staying quiet and saying nothing, telling her it's wrong, or doing no contact without action towards ending this situation only prolongs your suffering while enabling her affair.
Ultimately it's your decision and you know the situation better than we all do, but I do sense the strong tough approach will get the best results and will empower you to take charge of the situation.
IMHO, I think the time for taking approaches is over. You have to let go and move forward and it has to be real. Using an approach will have you looking back for results. You have gave her ample amount of chances. Now it's on your WW to show you (with action, not lip service/words) and put in the work and prove to you ( with action) that she wants to be with you and only you. She will have to lose you to figure that out. Not lose you for a day, for a week, but she must feel in her heart she is losing you forever. But, she knows she still has you as a plan B. Stop being her plan B and move forward with your life, start planning your future without her in it. I know it will be hard (I have been there, cried to my eyes were all dried out), but if you want the best chance of getting your WW out of her ambivalence, you have to let go and move forward, you have to be willing to lose her to gain her back. You have to be willing to love yourself more than you love her.
There can't be love if there isn't any respect. Respect births love, not the other way around. She cant love you until she respects you, and she can't respect you, until you respect yourself.
No more being plan B, no more allowing the disrespect.
Onward and forward. Ovr, you got this. She will be a fool to lose you!
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Ovrrnbw, what about the smoking hot woman you met in a bar? Maybe you can meet her for coffee. Maybe that'll give you the strength to do what you need to do. You're young and you must be attractive and have resources. I bet your wife will turnaround really quickly once she sees that you're serious and you're moving on. I don't think your wife wants to lose you but as everyone is saying let her think that's happening, and let it actually happen, and I think you'll have a much different wife in the not-so-distant future.
Thanks y'all. Just thinking about what to do next, I'm not really sure. I really appreciate all of your comments and advice, and I will take any further perspective any of you have to offer.
Joejoe1, is moving forward mean just completely acting single again? And NC? I'm not really that emotional about it this time. No tears, no bulge in my throat, no pain in my belly. Just a little anxiety but it leaves really quick. I'm really thinking about telling her to sign the title on our nice car (she drives it all the time, it's $1,000/month payment) and packing her little truck with her stuff and telling her to go somewhere else.
Nicole, I don't think it'd be good to meet that gal. I'd like to, but I just don't want to put myself in that situation b/c it could just lead to bad things like an affair of my own. Although maybe it's no different than when I go out and women are flirting with me like she was. I do kind of want to tell her to move out. That's one of the worst parts, is hearing noise and thinking she's coming home and that is just stressful.
Burned, what is post LRT in your mind?
Davide, what boundary and consequence would you suggest? I just can't talk to her or see her if she is with someone else, and I told her that back in July when she "came back" those 2 times. And I won't be lied to. I think if I see her I just tell her you are such a liar, a cheater, and an abuser and I won't continue on with this.
Steve, any others have any advice on what ACTION to take here?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi Ovrrnbw, I think the clear action would be to discontinue living together under the current circumstances. The strong and tough approach would be to execute the moving out process and enforcing separate living conditions until your wife gets the message and gets serious about choosing which man she wants.
Moving forward is not about your marital status. Your decision to stand for your M in IMO is disconnected from moving forward. And you used a word that won't work when detacting. "Acting", stop acting and move forward. Don't act single. Move on with your life. You kicking your W out is not divorcing her, it's you not allowing the disrespect around you. You can't control her, and shouldn't try. And if she decide to fight not being kicked out. Move her stuff out the marital BR.
One of the reasons those feelings are subsiding are because you have prepared yourself to not fully trust your WW, her actions aren't a surprise anymore.
Stop acting and start doing/moving forward with no expectations of a reaction or turn around from your WW. When you move forward without any expectations and continue to go forward without looking back, or holding the door open for your W to come in, if or when your W comes back, you will see that she fought to get the door open. In life, in general when people have to put in work and fight for things they cherish it that much more.
Make her work for you! Get out of her way, let her go and you GAL, meet new people and start enjoying all that life has given you.
Oh and detach with love, please, please, please. I know it will be hard, but dont be mean, smile and let go of the anger. The faster you can get to a positive outlook even about your sitch, the better life will be. And not being mean, is not about being nice, it's about not being nasty and vindictive, but being firm and resolute with not allowing people to disrespect you.
Remember our time is limited on this beautiful planet and tomorrow is not promised, so spend your time smiling, laughing and enjoying life and people.
And, the ironic thing about what I just mentioned is, thats when you become the best you. And people are attracted to a smile and positivity even Waywards.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I agree with Nicole. Living together while she is involved with another man, or looking to date other men would be a no-go for me. I don't remember your exact housing sitch, but telling her that she can't live in the house with you while doing that would be an ideal boundary. If you would need to leave the house to live separately it is a more complicated issue because of the legal ramifications.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
