I know my marriage is dead and gone, and with no hope, I see nothing to look forward to. Nothing. I have had a glimmer of hope all along, it is the ONLY thing that helps me through my days. And feeling none is really making this awful.
This is something we have to go through, I think. It hurts like nothing you've ever felt before. It. Just. Hurts.
But here's where you can find some hope:
Your M is dead. And it should be. It's not a very good one, seeing as your H isn't 100% committed to it.
But your H is not dead. And you aren't, either.
There can be a new MR if/when you're both ready.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
kech, you have EVERYTHING to look forward to. If for no other reason than that precious daughter of yours. We are not defined by whether our chosen spouse decides to stay or go, we are defined by the choices WE make. So make the best choices for your D, despite your WH's deficiencies!
Last edited by Steve85; 09/24/1803:18 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Anyone who has been through this. When you start to truly separate, contact becomes less and less, and you are truly living separate lives for the first time, HOW did you get through your days? If your WS did come back to R, how long did you live separate, with very little contact (only contact is about child)?
And anyone in this sitch, how long did it take once living really separated, to start to truly let go and not feel this way every. SINGLE. DAY?
I of course want hope for my M, but I am absolutely losing all of it. I think that is why I feel so awful. I know my marriage is dead and gone, and with no hope, I see nothing to look forward to. Nothing. I have had a glimmer of hope all along, it is the ONLY thing that helps me through my days. And feeling none is really making this awful.
GAL is the answer. You aren't staying busy enough. Common mistake. LBSs tend to sit and stew on their sitches. Worst thing that you can do.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
God I wish I could get my WW to leave the house. In house separation makes it harder in my case. As far as how long it takes to stop feeling that way....I don't think there is a definitive answer. It all has to do with how committed you are to working on your new life moving forward. I know you hear this from everyone about GAL and we say to ourselves how hard it is, but it is the only way. I'm 49, I'm not ready to throw in the towel right now...if my WW wants out have at it, but I'm not waiting around anymore.
I have been d'bing off and on for 6 weeks now and yeah I have my weak moments but I am doing better and better as time goes on. I know this, when I moved out of MBR (I know I got 2x4'ed because I moved, but actually like my sitch there better) my WW saw this as me giving up and yes she spent 5 consecutive weekends with OM and I was like "great I did this, I gave her the green light by moving out". Fast forward and she was home this weekend, you know why? her and OM are fighting...not over me, over something between them. Their honeymoon is over, they are seeing the real each other and maybe what I saw in W he doesn't see and that is causing tension. Who knows but I bet when they have some more time together they will be like WTF what I am I doing with this person.
I know c r a p p y thing to have to wait for affair to end if it does at all but I know my weekends were much better without her around because I was truly doing things for me...and my son...not waiting to see if WW wanted to do something with me.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I know this is online forum but wish there was a way local members if possible could meet up to talk, not hook up lol, just talk. These chats are so theraputic and I find in person discussions with my family and friends that have been through similar sitches even better.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
But then doesn’t it make it easier for him to detach even more?
I believe it does. But i guess the belief is that getting out of the way lets WS a) move on w/affair that may crash and burn b)realize they miss you and MR c)leave MR for good.
I think it also helps to take you off the rollercoaster ride in the meantime.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
2x4 time. You keep worrying about your husband detaching, but HE ALREADY LEFT. He already walked away from his marriage vows. Right now you are the one that is desperately clinging on to someone and something that isn't there. The relationship you had is over and dead. Perhaps in the future you can build a new one, but that will not happen until you let go of the past.
Steve is 100% right, you need to get out of your head and GAL, even if you don't feel like it. Especially if you don't feel like it. Action precedes motivation. Get out of the house, make plans to do something fun when he comes over, or go to they gym. Take your beautiful child out somewhere. It will feel forced at first, but at some point you will forget that it is forced, forget that you are living through this craptacular situation, and you will begin to find your sense of contentment again, find yourself lost in a moment that you are enjoying.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
kech, you have EVERYTHING to look forward to. If for no other reason than that precious daughter of yours. We are not defined by whether our chosen spouse decides to stay or go, we are defined by the choices WE make. So make the best choices for your D, despite your WH's deficiencies!
I know this is very true, and she is literally everything I live for. But I just am feeling SO down and out right now. I feel hopeless in every aspect almost. I think I was holding on to hope much more than I even knew, and now that we’re not texting at all and communication seems so much less, I’m really struggling more than I have. It’s almost like when he comes over the last few days, it’s just content. He is pulling away for sure and I feel it a whole lot. I had to just go for a drive. I felt like I was going to crumble. I truly don’t think he has ANY idea how much he has hurt me and continues hurting me. I think he really thinks I’m doing ok. I’m getting out and doing new things and I think he’s under the impression that I’m ok. And I’m so not ok.
I always thought that if either of us ever were to hurt the other, I would want it to be him hurting me. Because I felt like I’d never be able to live with myself if I ever hurt him. He just has always loved me SO much. I couldn’t imagine putting him through any hurt and I always felt like I could handle it better on my end and I could be strong. And here we are and I just never knew this is how it would feel. Mind you, at BD 5 months pregnant a year ago, I was a bigger mess. I couldn’t work, I had to take a few days off. I would wake up and cry in the shower. I was losing so much weight my doctor wanted me in the hospital on iv’s bc I was dehydrated. I was supposed to be gaining weight and lost 20 pounds during pregnancy. It was really bad. But then he came home 3 weeks later and I started to get better. And now he hasnt been living here about 3 weeks-a month now, and we’re talking casually about him getting his own place. And I can tell he doesn’t want to discuss it. He changes the subject so quickly, and I think it’s bc he doesn’t want to face getting his own place. He probably stays with th OW right now and it’s easy for him. Getting his own place will require responsibility and it’s like he doesn’t want that. I don’t know. I just know I feel like I’ll never come out of this sadness. Really looking forward to IC Wednesday
