Husband cheated, left, trying SO HARD to DB 2

[SteveLW]

I want to correct you on your thinking here because this is damaging to your perspective. This is very important. He is not thinking about you and how this is affecting you! He is not having the A or leaving the M with the intention of hurting you or punishing you. His only goal is to avoid you and avoid dealing with you because he is imagining a better life elsewhere. This is why we call them aliens and say they are in lala land. He is not thinking about YOU right now. He is completely self absorbed right now. You are merely an obstacle for him to run away freely. Let him run. Remove yourself from his way and he will eventually fall over. You are too good to play this sort of game with life. Rise above.

Blu

Blu is very wise. Listen to her advise.

Thirded. Blu is dead on with this.

[Ready2Change]

I wish I could go no contact but I know I can't with daughter.

There will always be exchanges. It is very important for you to separate parenting from other interactions with H. Do "no contact" before/after exchanges. You are doing that now.

I just wish I could do SOMETHING to get his attention somehow.... He will only see the best version of me.

Obviously the shorts got his attention.

[BluWave]

kech, I so appreciate you, this thread, and these posters. Honestly. I know we all have similarities and differences, but I want you to know that if I had ever come here and posted when my H left -- and if I had been totally honest -- I would be saying the same things. So please, take that into consideration when you read my words. I cannot go back and redo my sitch, but I do see now how much better I could have handled things.

So instead of coming here and asking the group, "I want to text him so bad, should I?" Well, I did text him. And guess what I said in my text?

'H, you disgust me. I hate you."

No joke. I could be aggressive. I even fired off a nasty text about 20 minutes before we were supposed to have a conference with one of our D's school teachers. So he put his tail between his legs and didn't even show. But I didn't really feel victorious. And it certainly didn't make him want to come back. He was afraid of me and my anger.

It also didn't make him want to come back when I texted or said things like, "I can't believe this is happening to us. I am so f-ing sad. I miss what we had. I miss you." ... and you know what that did? It made him feel like crap about himself and feel more hopeless. He was already in his own depression at what he had done and the man he had become.

Guess what OW did? She showered him with positive attention and flattered him. She told him he deserved better. She left her own H for him. They didn't share life's reality or hardships. They shared a fantasy and an escape. Deep down, he knew it wasn't real. And, she knew on some level, he never felt about her as he did about me.

So as the months rolled on and I got better at biting my tongue, and holding my fingers, and stopped ignoring him just to be a bish. I just started to let go. I got much better at GAL too. Eventually I allowed myself to actually enjoy the GAL activities. I started to let go more and more. In the mean time, on his own journey, he more and more realized that OW was all wrong (she was and is just all wrong).

So this shift started happening. I will never forget this one night. I was dressed up and ready to go. He showed up to fetch the kids. I said goodbye and grabbed my purse. He followed me outside to my car. Huh? He kept trying to make small talk and keep me standing in front of the house. Huh? I just shrugged, was polite, but on my way. .... I got in my car and drove off. What had just happened??!! He was different. He looked like he had tears in his eyes. He was concerned with what I was doing and where I was going .... Something had shifted. Then it was like a snowball affect. I just knew the table had turned. ... and well, I let him back too easy. I say that now...

Things change. People change. We cannot control them or change them. But, we can always control and change ourselves. kech, I want to see you fight through this. I so, so hope you can do a better job than I did. Rise up above all this. Be the better person. Cry, cry, cry. Let him go. Hold your head up high and be wonderful.

Only a foolish man will walk away from a beautiful and strong woman. Be HER. Because she doesn't want a fool.

Blu

[kech]

I just wish I saw hope in this. I want to hope for my M. its all that gets me through. I have to find a glimmer, while also facing the situation for what it is

[lost8]

^^^^^^ TRUTH. It is so hard to fathom but the selfishness of the WS is the most bizarre thing I can think of in this world. It is almost like a chemical imbalance.

And absolutely not do not text him.....am I right but you just want him to respond? Right? Then when he doesn't you slip down another rabbit hole because you know he read the text and chooses not to respond. Just don't do it!!

[kech]

So as the months rolled on and I got better at biting my tongue, and holding my fingers, and stopped ignoring him just to be a bish. I just started to let go. I got much better at GAL too. Eventually I allowed myself to actually enjoy the GAL activities. I started to let go more and more. In the mean time, on his own journey, he more and more realized that OW was all wrong (she was and is just all wrong).


Only a foolish man will walk away from a beautiful and strong woman. Be HER. Because she doesn't want a fool.

Blu

Blu,

When you got better at biting your tongue, holding your fingers and stopped ignoring him, what DID you do? I am very good at ignoring him via text, and then I feel like I just come off as petty and angry. What kind of responses did you start giving him once you started to let go and stop saying the aggressive things, or ignoring?

Ive never really said the "I hate you's". I think I have in person, while yelling through tears at how much he has hurt me, but it has been a long time since anything like that. He actually told ME he hates me 2 weeks ago when I called him out on OW. In between his denial, he said how hard his life is right now while abiding by my rules (WHAT?!), and that im just making it harder by accusing him of OW. Then he said "I HATE YOU!", and I responded saying "you dont hate me. If I dont hate you, then theres no way you hate me." Probably not the right thing to say, but it was a long drawn out convo in text that he was trying to shift focus from him and OW to anything else. like me making his life so hard right now, (seriously? I asked him to not live here if hes talking to other women, thats literally ALL ive done.) Then he told me he was leaving town, etc. Never did, and hasnt brought it up since.

I really felt like he was such a mess, and now this last week its like hes all of a sudden content. He was crying at the drop of a hat around me, he was texting me when he would leave, he was angry as hell, he was just seeming like a mess! And now he all of a sudden just seems calm and ok. Agreeing with me on things for our daughter, which is nice, and just content. And his content calmness scares me more than anything, imagine that! Its like in this last week he has found peace or something in his new life. He is just seeming super calm and ok and not contacting me, nothing.

So I feel like my only opportunities of anything are in the interactions we have from here on out. And I dont really know how I should respond to things. So I am just curious how you started to respond once letting go of the anger, ignoring, and "I hate you texts".

Thanks in advance Blu

[Ready2Change]

Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights he can have a few hours with her and then Sundays.

Did you get the exchange times set?

Father
T 5-10
R 5-10
F 5-12
Su 8-5

Mother (nights unitl 1yo)
M 5-10
W5-10
Sat 8-5, 5-10
sun 5-10

Even this appears that you are giving him a free pass.

H wants to avoid responsibility. Take care of baby or have fun with OW?

He will say one thing while wanting the other. H" Kech, is keeping me away from my baby". Thinking "More time for OW"

Here is my thought process:

40 hours of work time during the week. 8 hours of sleep time each day.

This leaves:

M-F 8 hours of baby time.
Sat sun 16 hours baby time.

72 hours a week of baby time. 50/50 parenting ==> Each parent should have 36 hours baby time a week.

[Ready2Change]

So this shift started happening. I will never forget this one night. I was dressed up and ready to go. He showed up to fetch the kids. I said goodbye and grabbed my purse. He followed me outside to my car. Huh? He kept trying to make small talk and keep me standing in front of the house. Huh? I just shrugged, was polite, but on my way. .... I got in my car and drove off. What had just happened??!! He was different. He looked like he had tears in his eyes. He was concerned with what I was doing and where I was going .... Something had shifted. Then it was like a snowball affect. I just knew the table had turned. ... and well, I let him back too easy. I say that now...

I have read this many times. This is where hope and faith come from.

During this process, you will need to come up with a list of conditions to accept him back.

Things like:

1) transparency
2) IC for H


The key words "too easy" should be understood during this process.

[lost8]

kech,

Do you know if I had a dollar for every time my WW has said I hate you in the last 5 months...I wouldn't have to work anymore! But you know what works best...zero response to that kind of texting and firm boundaries if in person. When you respond you feed right into their little game. You have to start recognizing when things are about to turn and be prepared. This doesn't solve anything by responding, just let him rant via text, just don't give him the satisfaction of fighting back with him. I used to crave any interaction even if it was a foul argument...no way not anymore, I would rather have NC.

I found my WW would always temp check me right before she would be with OM or right after and try to bait me into an argument. This would justify her actions by thinking how much of a jerk I am for fighting with her. But you know lately the way things have been? The last rant I got via text last week was" FU, I hate you, you are a selfish person and that is why this is all happening." An hour later after no response from me I got another text that said "I'm sorry, that's not how I feel, thank you for being patient with me"....I still did not respond.

And just this past Thursday my W went on a rampage in person after a few drinks at our house and I removed myself from the conversation and went to my room. She texted me FU, loser, then 5 minutes later was trying to seduce me back upstairs, I said no thanks I don't want to fight anymore....2 minutes later she was diving into MY bed.

[BluWave]

You really can't mind read as to why he was pleasant, temp checking, then moody, angry, and now seems content. Trust me, he is on his own roller coaster and will also keep things close to his vest. You have no idea where his mind is at, how things are with OW, and what he will do next. So there is no point in trying to make sense of it. He is on his own path and you are just an obstacle right now. It is strange and hard to make sense of, and even I don't totally understand it. I got pretty close a year ago when I started getting into some wayward thinking and decided my M was over. During those months, I didn't post much here, but I was not focused on my H and his feelings. I just thought I wanted out.

So how did I act when I started to let go of H after BD? Well, I tried to just follow Sandi's rules. I decided in my mind that if we were getting D, then I would act the part now. How do (should people) act after they had been D for several years but still share kids? Well, they don't need to be friends and pretend to be a family. They can be civil. We set up the schedule for kids and bills in a way that required minimal interactions. When we did interact, it was limited to the topic, clear and concise, and void of emotions. Somewhat businesslike. Boring might be a word. So, when we interacted that is all he got from me. When he saw me coming and going? Well, I was looking going and obvi enjoying other things and people. He saw me really moving on without him. ... and he got to be the jerk that left his W and home for sleazy OW. Trust me, that doens't feel too good to a man.

Blu