I meant to say "I was looking good and and obviously enjoying other things and people." .... But I didn't do that to win him. I really wanted to GAL, detach, and start living my own life. Him noticing was the secondary gain. It can take a long time too.
Speaking of GAL, I am on my way now to do some yoga. Have you tried that? Especially when you add in some heat, humidity, and a challenging core class? It feels amazing, physically and mentally. It's hard to get myself going, but I feel so strong and awesome after. I highly recommend it.
I have come to love my alone time in general. I think I like a lot of things about myself more now than I did pre-BD. There are many silver linings to be found. All in time. I promise.
I'll check back later :-) Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you Blu. Yes, I have been wanting to take up Yoga, I think it would help me a lot. I need to do that.
I have enjoyed my alone time as well these last few weeks that I have been making sure I leave EVERYTIME he is here. It has been nice to go do things for me. And some nights I do get dressed up and look good, and Im sure he wonders where I am going but he wont ask.
I have an event to go to Thursday night when he is here, so that will be fun. I think I just am at a place where it doesnt seem like he cares what im doing anymore, because he is far more concerned with the life HE has been off getting, while im here devastated. But I could be wrong about it. Hopefully he is still on an emotional rollercoaster as well, and isnt as set in his new life as I have convinced myself.
Thanks everyone! Today has honestly been maybe the hardest day to date, and you have all helped me so much.
...So please stop torturing yourself. .... Please, please stop thinking about him and what/why he is doing. You will never win and it is only delaying your healing and actually being able to start a detachment process. You cannot fake this or trick him. You have to let go, and focus on you, and this has to be real. This could take a long, long time, but you can take a first step now, it is never too late.
A strong and healthy woman does not want a man that lies, cheats and leaves his family. Please, stop for a moment and let this sink in. Then, start finding your strong and healthy self.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for that. I think tonight I need to go back through all the responses and just read everything. I havent really stopped crying today, its been very odd for me. This isnt like me. I usually pick myself back up after a rough morning and I start to feel stronger throughout the day, but today is different. As was yesterday. My intuition is just telling me that something is different. The connection just feels like its totally dissipating on his end. I cant help but feel like he is just falling more and more for OW and its making this all much easier for him.
Theres just been a shift. He is pulling away. I know I stated it earlier. Its the lack in texts, communication has basically stopped through the day with any texts. Im facing it all for the first time, the separation is officially happening. He isnt holding on. I have to let go and pray he will come back but in the meantime find myself again. I know this. I just cant get out of my own head. The emotions have been SO strong the last 2 days its unbearable. Im going for a run after work with the baby. Hoping that will help me breathe.
I really cant wait to see the IC. I need to find ways to self cope. I need to soothe my emotions. I need to stop thought of him and OW. I cant live this way every day. Its horrendous.
The pain crazy. Just feel it. Morn the lose. It is OK. Let it all out when you are alone and have the time. We are emotional creatures. Cry until you can't. I always feel better after a good cry.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I just feel like I have handled this SO wrong. I would do anything to go back to BD when I was pregnant and tell him to leave and leave me alone. Instead I was so calm. I told him I would make the changes he wanted me to make, and that I would be okay alone if that ended up as the case. He left for an hour and came back and said he wasnt ready to give up and that he wanted to try to work through it.
Then the next day he found me in the bathtub, hysterically crying. He walked in and said "Youre heart is broken isnt it?" He again said we are going to try to get through this. 3 days later he left again for work, the next day he told me a separation needed to happen. Had I known then about OW, maybe I would have handled it differently. But I had no clue. I was pregnant and lost.
Then I think about the night I found out about OW, he immediately quit his job, said he never thought I would find out. He needed me to give him an answer right then if I was willing to stay with him. He couldnt handle not knowing.. hmmm funny, I had to wait around for him and he couldnt handle a couple minutes. I should have kicked him out then. I should have never let him come back the SECOND time I found him talking to her. When I made him pick up his things and he cried 24 hours later that he needed to be with me. And the 3rd time and the 4th time. All before the baby came. 1 within 2 weeks of her arriving. I just coulda shoulda woulda.
Now here I am, a year since BD, 6 months since we officially separated, 5 months since I let him back, then kicked him out, then let him back, then kicked him out. 3 more times. Now 1 month since DBing and I am TRULY going through it. It feels like this is it, like im actually really sticking to it. Pushing through the hell. Crying for 24 hours straight, head pounding, going 24 hours with no contact with H, which is pretty new for us. I am so angry I didnt push through this all those other times. I would be in a much different position one way or another right now. Ive let all of this time go by with all this back and forth and ive only lost him and his emotions more and more. Its like I feel like I dont even have a shot now. Hes detached at this point. Before, he couldnt even stand leaving the house for 24 hours. Even WHEN he had OW. Now all of a sudden, he seems fine with it. He welcomes it. He loves it it seems. Ive allowed cake eating for so long I am afraid ive eased him out of our marriage even more. I know I have read its never too late. I am trying. I am DBing. I thought he was softening a few weeks back, something was changing, but it was a mirage.
Im dedicated to doing it right this time. To ending the cycle for the first time. Even if it just gets ME to the other side. I cannot go through this ever again. I cant. I want him. I want my M. I want to fight for us because he refuses to. I just am having such an emotional struggle right now which is why im like a broken record. I am hoping this will start to feel better soon. I think it will.
I think your intense sadness and feelings of hopelessness over the last couple days could be because you are finally coming to accept what is happening. Of course you are in shock and devastated. Denial is a powerful and effective coping mechanism and I think you have been leaning towards that for the last year. It's understandable; you love your H, you have been pregnant and now have a new baby, and this is totally some craziness you didn't sign up for. It is okay to feel these intense emotions! Just cry your heart out. Give yourself as much time as you need. I cried several times a day for most of my sitch. But I also realized I had to give myself a break and just force myself to do something else. That is where the daily list comes in handy.
What I learned to do, and had to do, was stop sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. He wasn't a safe person anymore and neither is your H. Find your safe person or people -- your closest and most trust worthy people and let them comfort you. It is important to be around other people now too and also to enjoy the baby with other people. I am so lucky I had so many friends and family that I could call or text at any moment. They really held my head above water.
None of us expect you to be perfect. Please stop being so hard on yourself. I was hard on myself too, which was pretty often, because I messed up all the time. My IC would say to me, "wow, you are so hard on yourself!" It didn't help for me to beat myself up when I was already feeling so low. So please, give yourself a break would ya?
You are going to get through this. I know you will. Why? Because 1. You have to, this IS what is happening. 2. You want to. You are a passionate person and a survivor. I can tell. 3. That baby girl deserves a mom that is strong.
I just read this good book written by Holocaust survivor. The inhumane torture and constant threat of death is something that almost no one can wrap their mind around. In his book though, he talks about how he found hope. That made me realize that everything we actually need is inside of us. Your hope and strength is inside of you. It is going to take time to find, but you will if you decide to. I believe that.
You know what? My H is not a different person that he was several years ago. Yes we have both changed, and this new M is totally different, but he did not have a personality transplant or anything. What has changed the most is my perspective. I see him and I see relationships in general very differently now. How you see things IMO is the most important piece in all of this. You are not alone in that. And, we can help you with that!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you guys. R2C I will look into that book, I have heard of it. Blu, I think I’ll start the list tomorrow morning. That sounds like something that could help me.
After work I immediately got the baby in her stroller and went for a long run. I just needed to breathe. I always feel empowered when I run. I came home and fed the baby and gave her a bath and then made myself some dinner.
Feeling a little down now again. Knowing he’s with her. Knowing he doesn’t reach out to me. It’s all going to take some getting used to. Life feels very different, very sad. I think you’re right and I’ve been in denial and now I’m facing it. He’s been out of the house for 3 weeks now. Maybe a month almost. And he seems ok. And I seem to just now be really facing that he’s out of the house. I am no longer a priority of his and I can see that in his actions. And I’ve never felt that way before. He always made it very clear I was still his number 1 priority. No more of that.
There are lots of things I can do before I go to bed. And I should do them and keep my mind busy now that the baby is asleep. I will try to keep going and keep my mind occupied.
