My definition of a wayward spouse is: They have turned or are turning away from what is right and proper, i.e., to be wayward in one's affections and turning them towards another person (OP). No longer investing in the marriage/relation that they are currently married into or living as a couple. The other people tend to stroke their egos and they get a "euphoric rush" when they are getting attention from others and not their spouses. They tend to share not only their feelings, but their thoughts with the other people and not with their spouse/companion.
I agree with this, but would add that often they also want their cake and eat it too. So while their attention is out of the marriage, they are expecting life at home to go on as usual. In other words, he is expecting that he can do whatever he wants to do, and that you will be at home being his W per usual.
As you can see a wayward spouse requires a little bit of a different approach than a straight-forward WAS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
HI Rose, welcome to the forum. Take your time to read and learn the info you are getting here. They are tools that will help you in your sitch. I was a wayward H some time ago...
Originally Posted by job
My definition of a wayward spouse is: They have turned or are turning away from what is right and proper, i.e., to be wayward in one's affections and turning them towards another person (OP). No longer investing in the marriage/relation that they are currently married into or living as a couple. The other people tend to stroke their egos and they get a "euphoric rush" when they are getting attention from others and not their spouses. They tend to share not only their feelings, but their thoughts with the other people and not with their spouse/companion.
This is a fantastic description of the feelings involved within the affair fog. "Euphoric rush" is a headshot Job!
Originally Posted by rose333
He has said before that he wants to be “free” and not “married”.
I remember those too. They are ephimeral limerance related feelings. They don´t last into the wayward fog.
Work on yourself, detach and stay calm. Your children and the incoming baby need that.
Take your time. Stay strong.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
So last night I found out that he is still talking to this woman but only as “friends” I obviously don’t want to fight and want to work towards recovering our marriage so I just said ok I understand. I can talk about how uncomfortable I feel with this later but right now my focus is on getting him on the “let’s try” wagon. He says he feels like he cant trust me and has some resentment towards me because of all the arguing and the way I made him feel in the past. This is going to be a long journey but I am willing to bite my tongue and just be as happy as I can be to save my marriage. I have 3 kids who do not deserve this at all. I am killing my anger and my pride for my children. He is being a bit selfish but honestly he will get passed it. He is at the moment just a bit lost but in denial.
Sorry you are here. This is not about you. Not one bit. Its not about you being bossy or pushy. It is about him.
Instead of focusing on getting him on the "lets try wagon" focus on you and your children and pregnancy. It is the absolute only thing you have control of. Cause like i said, none of this is about you.
There is an old poster maybe someone can link you to (im texting from a phone) i believe her name is T0324. Or something like that. She was also pregnant with her 3rd after taking her husband back after he cheated on her years prior.
One of her last posts came later after the birth of her child. She was super happy and doing really well. In a great place. She had decided to let her husband go and ended up meeting a guy that was treating her and her children really well.
You are blessed. You are going to have a baby. You are young. You have such a wonderful life ahead of you. Just treat yourself nicely right now. No one is worth this type of heart ache. He is so wrong in all of this he doesnt even make it on the spectrum of a normal human being. You on the other hand, have everything right now. Kepp your pride and your head up.
So last night I found out that he is still talking to this woman but only as “friends” I obviously don’t want to fight and want to work towards recovering our marriage so I just said ok I understand. I can talk about how uncomfortable I feel with this later but right now my focus is on getting him on the “let’s try” wagon. He says he feels like he cant trust me and has some resentment towards me because of all the arguing and the way I made him feel in the past. This is going to be a long journey but I am willing to bite my tongue and just be as happy as I can be to save my marriage. I have 3 kids who do not deserve this at all. I am killing my anger and my pride for my children. He is being a bit selfish but honestly he will get passed it. He is at the moment just a bit lost but in denial.
rose, this is a dangerous place to be. You are willing to ignore just about anything to keep your H. That will train him to mistreat you and that he can do anything he wants. Is that what you want for your future? You are willing to go backward which will ensure you will end up in this spot again.
At this point you should be looking at it like this:
1) Your marriage is over. If you move forward together then it has to be in a totally new marriage, devoid of his bad behavior (and any you may have engaged in). But MR 2.0 is the answer so that you don't end up here again.
2) Your marriage is over. If he isn't willing to agree to your boundaries, give up his wayward ways, and agree to #1 above, then you will move forward without him!
Getting him on the "let's try" wagon doesn't work. Getting him on the "I don't want to lose her and am willing to change my ways to keep her" wagon is the right approach. And that will only happen if you insist on #1 or #2.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You can't get him on any wagon. And even if you did it would be forced and wouldn't last. Trust us. I think most here felt at one time that they needed to "fix" their S or their MR. Anything to stop the pain and fear. It simply doesn't work. Not even in your unique sitch.
As said before and can not IMO be stressed enough, work on getting you on a wagon. A wagon that is going to be just fine with or without H. Wait him out.
I think you know that this OW friend is BS. They may have cooled things off a bit but this isn't about sex talk it's about emotional connection. Read about boundaries. Make your boundaries clear and shut up and focus on all the other parts of your life besides H.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Hello Rose - Im sorry youre here, but hopefully you can get some good advice and go on an exciting journey of self-discovery while youre around.
Originally Posted by rose333
I know I’ve hurt him in the past by being bossy or pushy at times and I was not the best wife.
He says that I made him feel less and made him feel like his feelings did not matter.
I’m so broken.
You talk about him making changes and about "waiting" for a phase to pass. But what are you doing on these kinds of things. You say you are "working on" things, but Im curious to see more details about what you are actively doing. He is not going to want to come back to the same marriage and same wife. So what are you doing to grow and change and develop? Do you have goals made? He's already had multiple affairs, so it is clear that the marriage as it currently stands is not working. What can you do to improve?
I can only imagine the difficulties of being a stay at home mom and pregnant with a third at your age. How much opportunity do you have for GAL? What is your life like outside of husband and kids?
I obviously don’t want to fight and want to work towards recovering our marriage so I just said ok I understand. I can talk about how uncomfortable I feel with this later but right now my focus is on getting him on the “let’s try” wagon.
Rose - If you allow yourself to be Plan B, then you will always remain as "Plan B".
What things are important to you in a spouse? Is this the kind of person you want to be married to? Is this the role model you want for your children?
You dont have to accept him being disrespectful to you and your marriage just because you want to save it. You wont be able to nice your way through this!
