Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (5)

[Ready2Change]

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Truth dart:

I calmly told her that that is something a husband would do, and since she doesn't want me to be her husband any longer i wont be doing that.

[Ready2Change]

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When you are detached and she gives you crumbs of affection, then you will accept them WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS. The problem wasn't that you accepted her affection, or even returned it, it was that you thought it meant R or moving toward R.

NO EXPECTATIONS.

[Ready2Change]

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.....I've been dealing with this by repeating to myself in my head (and sometimes under my breath) "180! 180! 180!". This technique has helped me when I feel that I am about go back on one of the my positive changes since BD. I also try to always keep sandi rule #37 in mind! "37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes"

[Ready2Change]

From here

Amoafwl said something that I really need to latch onto in order to detach emotionally (emphasis mine):

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Trust me....you are not going be happily reconciled with everything figured out in one month. Think about where you are right now....you are competing with some other married man for the affections of YOUR WIFE. To me, that isn't someone I would want to be in a relationship with. I want someone that wants me....I don't want someone that could be tempted by some other person wandering in and out of her life.

[Ready2Change]

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Things sound like they are going well enough but I still think you need to pull back a bit and give her time and space. Don't assume everything is "back to normal", a lot of potential recons have been derailed because the LBS fell back into the same old habits after the WAS gave them another chance. You're on probation right now!

[Ready2Change]

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It is always okay to say "Divorce is not what I want. But it isn't up to me. It takes two to make a marriage, but only takes one to make a D."

[Ready2Change]

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THIS IS GREAT:

It is clear that you do not value my request for time to look at my schedule and see what works, nor do you value my feelings on the entire matter. I believe you are acting solely out of anger. I understand that you are angry at my passive behavior during our marriage, and have expressed my regret and have taken ownership for this many times. Despite this, you accuse me of trying to control you, which is completely false. I have respected your requests for distance and time, yet you have not respected mine at all. You continually make demands of my time and resources, and when I state that I have a need for time to consider your request, you demand that I act on your terms, and when I politely express my need for time to gather information you blame me for trying to control you and then change course without notice, which is absolutely disrespectful. You have not even once apologized to me for putting S and I through this process, showing that you respect neither my nor S's feelings. Furthermore, you have entered multiple A with multiple OM with no regard for my feelings at all, and also without regard for S's safety. So I will look over the information you have sent me when I have the opportunity and I will reach out to you when I have made a decision......

My plans are my business, and you do not need to make assumptions about them. I have respected your privacy, yet you still have actively spied on my social media posts. My plans do not require your approval, and my sched no longer revolves around you. As I have said, I'll consider the information you have sent me when I have time, and I will let you know when I have made a decision......

Furthermore, I asked if the call was about S. You lied to me because you knew I would call you if it was. The call had nothing to do with him. It is clear that you have no respect for me, and that you chose to lie to me in order to manipulate me. That is insanely disrespectful to both S and I. You have shown that you are willing to use him to get to me. You clearly have no respect for him if you are willing to use him like that......



M - S didn't request or initiate the D. Nor did I. This action is solely yours. Moving his bed wouldn't have been an issue had you not initiated this. You say you were trying to arrange a time, and when I said I would let you know what works for me, you became disrespectful and accused me of being controlling. That's not "arranging". It's demanding and manipulating. S would have no need to adjust had you not initiated this.......


M - I believe you are a caring mother, however your actions speak otherwise. What I choose to believe is personal to me. Unfortunately your actions indicate that you do not think about your actions beyond how they make you feel. My feelings have no bearing on facts. Allowing S to spend the night in a house full of venomous snakes shows poor judgment. As does letting him ride with a person with a DWI conviction. You demonstrate that you don't respect his well-being, nor my feelings. How I use my time is my business. I have stated that I would review the info. Please respect my request for time to process it......

W - Get back to me when you can.

M - *crickets*


====================

The manipulation attempts are deafening. LOL.

I don't plan to give her a response to when I want to mediate any time soon. Because I don't want a D. I'm not going to undo my plans just to make time for her to move stuff back based on her demands (even if she can only get help for about two hours Saturday afternoon, and no, she can't move it in when I'm not there...I want to make sure who is at my apartment).

The more advice I can get in a short time is going to help a lot. This is starting to ramp up, and I can already tell I'm in for a battle.

I said a lot. But I also stood firm. And I know that I said some stuff that made her feel less than thrilled. But I DO NOT want a D, and I DO NOT plan to help her. I don't understand the rush. Probably just to get it over with so she can feel honest when she says she's single.

That's not my game, and I'm not playing.

[Ready2Change]

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You detach when you start seeing him for who he is. You keep mentioning the OW. LBS always focus too much on the AP. She doesn't matter. Your problem is not with her as much as you think it is. It is with him. If it wasn't her it would be someone else.

The problem you have is that you aren't seeing him for who he is, but who he was. You are seeing an ideal of him, not the him that would cheat, and lie, and use spending time with your D to get a better deal on child support. You are holding on so tight to the vestige of who he used to be, that you can't see that the person he has become is not desirable.

You are stuck in your own fantasy just like him. Your fantasy is that he is who you married. He isn't. That person is gone and in his place is a conniving, lying, cheating, scumbag who isn't worth to lick your shoes.

How do you detach? You realize your own value. You take back your own power. You realize that he isn't worthy. And then you treat him like the cashier at the store. You are kind and polite, but detached. If that means falling out of love with him then so be it! Sometimes that is what it takes to move on....until you are willing to accept everything I just said, are ready to move forward with or with out him, and are ready to be okay no matter what, then you will be paralyzed in fear.

Are you in IC? I highly suggest you get into it if you aren't.

[Ready2Change]

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You cannot worry, think, contemplate, mind read, or anything of the sort on what your H is thinking or doing right now. He may be just fine when he leaves, or he may be just miserable as well. Who knows, and I've read this a few times and I have been told this many times on here:

It does not matter!

The longer you dwell on him, the longer this will take. You concentrate on you and your new baby! Be the BEST you can be. Your H sees nothing but happiness and you at your best. Keep doing your GAL, this is good because it keeps your mind off of your situation. If you read through mine, you can see I was dwelling on everything that was happening, everything that might/could happen and there were those imaginary things in my head that were happening only in my head that I was worried about. You know what it changed: Absolutely Nothing!

[Ready2Change]

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An Old Cherokee Tale of Two Wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’ The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’




The crucial question is “Which are you feeding today”?