I think it is a perfectly fine boundary to have that your W shouldn't be on a dating site while still living with you. It is reasonable to tell her that she needs to leave if she wants to date. Nothing wrong with that side of things.
It looks like you have been post BD for about a year now. Do you really think that she is going to move out now? Given her issues and the length of time she has continued to live in the house do you think it is possible she just tries to keep cake-eating? Also, if she is moving out you do need to discuss the financial arrangements since I assume you will have to pay some money in support. Maybe that is for Ls or mediators but that conversation does need to happen.
LH is completely right. You need to let her go and actually detach from her. Right now, she knows that you will put up with almost anything to save the marriage. It seems desperate. That isn't attractive at all.
I think that you will find that detachment and focusing on yourself is a lot easier if you aren't sharing a house. Of course there are downsides to it, and it can be brutally lonely, but I have found that actual distance and time without my W has really helped me let go emotionally.
Hang in there.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks guys. It was a sleepless night to say the least. No other conversations with W. I also agree about the physical separation part. I know it would be terribly lonely and open up the possibility of a PA that much more possible. This in home thing just seems to keep me attached too much and she doesn't get to experience any type of life without me. Do I think she is going to do it? I believe she will. I don't know exactly when, but we only have a few months left on our lease here so we have to move by then anyway. Doing it this way helps her by being able to say that she left me. I am going back and continuing to DB. All I can do. Oh, and prepare for the worst.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JS, I've written extensively about the LBS that is physically separated vs the LBS that is still living with the WAS.
Both think the other has it better. And in reality both have advantages and disadvantages.
However, I would argue that if you are having trouble detaching, then you will have that problem whether you live with her or not. The imagination is a powerful thing. Look at OrangeK's threads. He was forced by a PPO to have no contact (except for directly related to child care), yet he still struggles mightily with detachment.
You need to throw yourself into DBing. GAL like a madman! Those that struggle the most with detachment usually aren't doing enough GAL. Staying busy is the key.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
JS - The quicker you let her go to experience other men and all the life has to offer the sooner she may return. You have to be strong enough let her go and let her run into the arms of her new life and her new partners so she gets the full experience of what it is like. The longer you hold on and delay the process the longer your pain will continue.
Just getting thoughts out of my head this morning. I was extremely tired yesterday, but did my workouts and got my stuff done. I was pleasant, upbeat and good around everyone so yea me! Weird part of yesterday is W was more interactive than usual. She approached a few times for some conversations. Asked for my help on a couple of things. And, there was a point where she was even kind. Very weird. Even at the end of the evening she began sharing what she had done. She got a text on her phone, and immediately told me what it was regarding.
I am not mind reading at all on how it went, just sharing on how it was a little weird.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Had a really good day yesterday. Our S's bday is today. W and I actually went out together for a couple of hours to pick up all of his presents, cake stuff, etc. It was the first time in several months that we have been out alone together. We walked together, chatted together, picked out things together, I listened to her comments and conversation, validated and really listened.
We got back home, put the stuff away, and I ended it quickly and went on my way. Got back later and W was still talking with me. Just regular conversations about stuff. I again listened, validated, commented, looked her in the eye and made sure to end them on a good note. She even shared some personal information that in the past few months she never would have.
Dinner out with everyone tonight for our boy's bday.
I am thankful that I have had these few moments yesterday and today to let my W see that our family (and just us) can interact and have a little fun together. I made it a point in my mind not to push, not to mind read, not to believe anything she says and only half of what she does and to be sure to be in the moment, validate, listen and most of all to enjoy the time.
Comments always appreciated.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Met with an A yesterday. Pretty much what I thought it would be. If W and I can agree it will be easier. If we don't, it will get ugly. Haven't told W I met with an A. It has definitely been an interesting week. W and I have had some decent conversations of which I have db'd the heck out of and I feel more detached than ever. In fact, W did something yesterday that was totally meant to dig at me and try to get me to blow up. I did comment that she knew exactly what she was doing, but didn't take the bait. Let it go and even validated (a little later after I walked away) her position and why she did it. She knows what she did and it is up to her to take care of it. This action of hers will come back to bite her a little today. I am doing absolutely nothing but going on with my normal day, but I am able to see ahead and what will happen. It is just one of those minor 2x4's that she needs to give her a dose of life without me. I will not revel, but I will not rescue either.
Looking forward to the weekend. Sports games with the kids and a bday party for my S with his friends. D has a bunch of social stuff going on as well so the taxi is warmed up and waiting. With all that, I don't know other than my hikes if there will be much time for any individual GAL's for me, but it should be a fun weekend!
Giving my W her space. Letting her do her thing, not being there for her every minute, and letting her make her own (and be responsible for ) her own actions.
It's Friday. As always, I am thankful that my family is still in the same house. Also thankful that for some reason my W and I are communicating and speaking more. No mind reading, No extra hope, just observing.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Caught W on her dating app while on her phone. I couldn't' hold my tongue any longer. I told her I wouldn't be disrespected like that.
What are the consequences if she doesn't stay off the dating sites? Here's the thing that a lot of LBH's don't seem to get. The whole business of waywardness is due to disrespect. So, I think you'd better have a plan to follow through with some type of consequences if she disrespects you and uses the dating app again.
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This turned into a 2 hour discussion. We talked about almost everything, including the dating apps.
Next time, don't talk. Just act. Letting it turn into a 2 hour discussion is where H's mess up. The whole boundary setting loses power by having these talks. You get off the subject of the boundary and talk about everything else. It gets you nowhere. You told her you would not be disrespected like that, so that's all that needed to be said. Now.....be prepared to back it up.
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I emphasized how I don't want a D, My desire is to keep our family together and for us to grow old together.
Don't you think she knows this? Why do you feel it is necessary to tell her again? It makes you appear weak in the eyes of a WW. She's not going to back down just b/c you tell her you don't want a D. Having R talks with a WW does not work.
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Do we truly have to D for her to see and experience life without me (good or bad)?
I think it is going to take a physical separation and her losing the nice benefits she received while M to you. She doesn't know what it is going to be like. She's living in a fantasy and until that fantasy bubble is popped...….she'll continue acting just like you are currently seeing.
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I am still baffled how she could be having an affair as she doesn't leave or isn't healthy enough to have any type of relationship.
Oh JS, you just don't understand how strong emotional affairs can be. My affair was never skin on skin. I did everything else, and it totally humiliates me to think about the things I did. We never met in person. You don't have to meet in person to have an affair. As long as she is getting ego food, she'll be hooked. The fantasy and ego food is all she needs. I had one foot out the door to go to the OM, when I was busted. Whatever your W is doing, it's strong enough to tear apart your MR.
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I wanted to hold my tongue, but when I saw her on the dating site, I just couldn't and felt for myself I needed to address it.
Okay, you addressed it. You probably felt a little better afterwards b/c it let off some emotional steam. However, did it resolved anything? There is a time for talking about the MR, but while she is wayward is not the time. Once she decides to do the right thing and she ends her waywardness, then talks would be in order. As for you making things worse, I doubt it. It didn't help, and especially letting her know how badly you wanted to keep the family together......but it is what it is. BTW, when she disrespects you again, remember that having a talk is not considered consequences.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
JS, just caught up with your most recent developments. Personally I can say detachment has been waaaay easier once WH moved out. No madman waiting at every turn to burst my balloon, talk me down or I having to remind him of the boundaries. But yes, when the WAS moves out it drives the point home harder that the MR is done but like everything else you get over that too. Hoping you find the strength to do what is right for you and your family.
