Main reason is that I see no chance for an R as we stay in this current state. With the lease coming up in a few months, my W has stated several times that she will be out soon (again last evening). She wants nothing to do with me, looks at me with such disdain, says she doesn't even like me (I can feel this as well). THE ONLY REASON SHE IS STILL HERE IS FINANCIAL. So really what is the point? Drag this out longer so she can feed into my D's attitude of hatred toward me? W has no opportunity to experience the real world without my shelter and I know this is my fault for taking care and sheltering her all these years. Perhaps, as I mentioned, I am the one holding her back in her life as she states. I don't think so, but if I am here picking up the pieces and she doesn't have to hold her own, how will she ever realize the pressures of real life? I contemplated the separation thing, but in my state, a legal separation is almost equal to a divorce. Health insurance, assets, all of that stuff as well as child custody are done. It is even more difficult to D after that since you have to go through the process of cancelling the separation in order to move forward with a D.
Steve, this is not a trick, ploy, plot or desire to "shake her out of her fog". If it was, I would tell you its a last ditch effort to get this going, it is not. She is a strong woman in a lot of ways and once she makes up her mind it is very hard for her to change it. 20+years with her I can only give you my opinionated observance on that. She mentioned last night that she did love I was nicer, more pleasant and everything else. I listened, validated and then she went into the part of just not liking me and she believes she will be 1000% happier when she is gone. She is also aligning my D in this as well as although she swears she is not, some of the sentences that she shares with me, i.e. sentence she said to my D "When we get out of here, things will be better" type of thing. I know she is setting my D up and all I can do is support my D forever and be there when/if things fall apart.
She brought up the past again. It will take her quite some time to see that I am not the Monster that she is portraying me to be. I am just a man trying to make it in this world, love his family, spend time with his family and have some fun along the way.
I don't know if I answered your question as my head is spinning a little at the moment.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Thats the huge issue. She doesn't do anything. lease ends. she moves out. I'm then on the hook for whatever is determined. Car is still in our name that i would have to continue paying for. I think it would be about the same as Did's sitch. Cake eating all over the place with me supporting her and her lifestyle choices. AND there is just not enough money there to make it happen. What alternative do I have to protect myself? I really am asking for alternatives. This in home thing isn't working. In fact I think it is just solidifying her decision as our only interactions are about finance and the kids. And they are usually not "Hey we made a lot more money than we thought" Or "S or D are doing great at this". They are always a financial bad discussion along with the kids issues and dealing with them.
HELP!!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JS, I am not your financial adviser. I am not a D attorney. So take everything I say with that in mind. If you are at the point where you can look at your sitch from a purely financial and legal standpoint then just throw everything I am about to say out the window, and do what you need to do. (Do the needful as my friends from India are fond of saying.)
But if you still have emotional attachment, if you haven't done the work to get to a point where YOU want D. Then my suggestion is to do nothing. You see making the decision on D based on what is better legally for you or financially for you, from my perspective, is a terrible basis for making this kind of decision. If you came on here and said "I am done, I don't want to be married to her anymore, and I am ready to move on with my life without her" then I'd be all "go for it JS!"
I've been on record in this forum before that if the LBS doesn't want D then they should NOT file for D. I highly doubt your W is going be ready to leave or separate or D by time your lease is up. Likely she will continue to do nothing and want the status quo. I know you started your update with "things she said". BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY.
Anyway, that is my input. Do with it what you will. You've been to the point of filing for D without wanting a D before. I see no reason why those times are different than this time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
JS, Steve could be completely right, but when I look at the sitch you're in and how miserable you are I think this is one of the rare cases where maybe it make sense for you to take action instead of waiting on W. Your W is never, ever going to lift a finger to do anything. I realize she has health problems but beyond that I just think she is also extremely lazy. She will never initiate D or moving out, but you can bet she will keep right on complaining about how miserable she is and how it's over and she's done... ad nauseum. You have a pending move still, right? I still say it's time to make a break. Whether that means D to you or not is for you to decide, but I would make the move and make it crystal clear to your W that she is not moving with you. Maybe she moves to the same town so that co-parenting is easier, but NOT with you.
At this point it's not about what will bring her back because she has to be AWAY before she can come BACK. And she is not "away", she is perpetually there. It is about what YOU need to do for your own health and well-being. And I am convinced that separation is what you need for that.
AS is very wise and I would never disagree with his advice. Maybe he is right.
JS, are you the kind of person that always regrets their decisions? I am. The reason I said wait until you want D is because if you are like me I would always wonder if I had just waited just a little longer what would have happened. Once you are done and ready to D for you, then this is no longer an issue because essentially she ran out of time, it wasn't just you jumping the gun.
Whatever you decide know we are here for you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve and AS, Thank you both for the input. I know believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. I just have this pressure of the pending move and have no idea what to do. Here is what I am doing. I have retained an A. I haven't filed yet. I am having them draw up the paperwork the way I think is fair (I know this is a very one sided statement but all I have). I am doing my best to put myself in her shoes as well as doing what I think is right for my children. Not so funny, but the weird part is the argument that she would represent.
I need alimony since I can't work. Well, if you don't have the ability to work, how are you going to care for 2 kids full time? A double edged sword on both of our sides however it is argued. Better to hopefully agree up front if it is to go that way.
Steve and AS. NO, I do not want a D. However, I see no other alternative given the situation that I can protect myself and my children. Unfortunately I believe my W must experience the "real world" since I am no longer a part of hers, and with it the ramifications, happiness, cruelty, struggles, fun and all the rest that goes into the real world. Sandi has said it a few times that my W will never look back and contemplate the consequences of her decisions as long as I am providing for everything. I wish it were different. I just don't see any other way presently.
I will continue to post and seek advice prior to doing anything.
I value the wisdom and guidance. i haven't done it all correctly. Have stumbled many times and will probably do so several more. I have learned a lot and continue to do the best I can.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JS, we all support you regardless of your decision. I personally think you are making the right one, not just for your own health but paradoxically for the possibility of future recon. Good luck my friend.
Steve, other than the usual sometimes wondering what might have been thing I am a make a decision and move on kind of guy.
Retained the A and we made notes. As I said, I am not filing yet. My A knows that I do not want this to happen and that I just want to be prepared. It was a lot less emotional that I thought. I guess outside of custody issues it is just numbers and that is a great area for my mind to work.
I also didn't hesitate signing so I don't know if I will file, but I am confident in at least getting the legal advice and my thoughts down. Now, if I'm blindsided, at least I am not standing on my heels.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I have no great advice to offer you, just support. It's hard when you don't know what to do. This stuck feeling is no fun, but we have to our best and make the best out of our situation. A positive mental attitude can be the difference in a meaningful life or a boring one, so keep faith and make your life what you want it to be.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
