DB / Detach- Will we ever piece it together

[ovrrnbw]

Yea I hear you on the story Did. I get why you did it, but it wasn't the right thing to do. Keep doing what you're doing, don't get suckered in to an R talk or anything when she is temp-checking you.

You really are getting better at being a strong, confident person. Do you feel better about it?

[Did]

Ovr how is your sitch going?

I feel better about myself but not about chance to R with wife. I'd do a lot to find a way for her to be the woman who loved me so much that she put up with my BS in the past. I know so much more and Id give a lot to have more children together and go through the process knowing what I know now. Just how to be happy, be in the moment, no longer blame external factors for my happiness, separate social lives, stand up for whats important to me- dating / romance etc.

What Im unsure of is what to do next. Just continue to DB and be patient is what Im doing. Dont pay in Oct and then we will have to discuss. I plan on saying something like I paid 3 months of support as I agreed and then we talk and see how it goes. But that is going to be a R talk... She has said the stuff about feeling things for me, getting to know me... words are one thing. Life is about actions and what you do. Feel like its going to force her to make a decision and its the opposite of being patient.

Thanks

[LITB]

Hey Did,

The reason I asked why do you think you cosigned on the lease, was to see if you recognize the expectations behind the things you are doing.

Read your last paragraph in your last post and ask yourself if your actions are motivated by expectations. If they are, that keeps you on the emotional rollercoaster. Unmet expectations cause disappointment.

DB'ing isnt a trick to get a spouse back. It is a life style of genuine transformation. When you arrive, you won't be wondering about her or how long it will take. No matter the outcome of your sitch, you will always have YOU. Keep GAL, working on detachment and self-improvement.

[Did]

Thanks Litb. I do recognize the expectations and know Im just hurting myself.

If I focus on myself the best thing would be divorce her and get on with my life. But having a daughter and loving her with all my heart missing her half the time weighs heavy. What Ive always wanted since starting this journey of self awareness is wanting a new relationship with her as the man I am today. But I want the wife I married who I barely even see that side of her.

I dont want the divorce so I guess I just go LRT / stop talking to her as much as possible. Re-reading LRT portion of DR next... Its the opposite of what I want to do but whats best for me is to let go. Maybe thats what works too, ignoring her was when she started telling me she had feelings for me. I know shes attracted to guys that are unavailable which makes me think shes fn crazy but I guess thats human nature. She sent me a few pics of D4 from today at a farm with her dad in 1 of them. I havent responded. Im sure shell facetime me later. Im planning on not responding. Then tomorrow Ill just ask what time she will be over with D4. Thats all I need to know.

And were back to doing things because of the expectations of response.... (throws hands in the air)

Focus on my life, my future and my daughter. If she isnt on the same page of caring about our marriage, relationship, family then what I want isnt an option.

Heading out in the city tonight. Coaching tomorrow which is the most fun part of my job, a lot of time behind the computer to organize all the programs then to actually be on the field with the kids is the part I love. Then get D4 back for 3 days before heading to syracuse.

When I get back I have IC. Reading the book You are a Badass- How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life. By Jen Sincero. Its been really good so far.

But in the end what I wouldnt give to have W on my arm the way she used to be not doubting if I was the one for a second, wanting it all together... thoughts like that are what keep me up at night. But at least better to put it out to you all here rather than act that way to her.

Thanks for the support.

[LITB]

I have children, so I understand the difficulty.

What is it that you coach?

What are your short term goals for you? New hobbies? Any volunteer opportunities you might consider?

[Did]

I coach lacrosse. I played professionally and its my main source of income. I coach HS, youth club, direct a facility and do residential real estate part time. That plus split custody with D4 in school 12-3 makes my free time limited.

I used to volunteer at an animal sanctuary but it got awkward with the owner who was a gay guy and continued to make sexual jokes etc. And it took a lot of time and then put more of D4 time onto W.

Short term goals:
Less overthinking - difficult at this point
Be more organized and efficient with my time- planning meetings in advance has gone very well recently
Be consistent emotionally- not there yet
Take time to read and journal daily
Better sleep habits - not there yet
Travel and enjoy life- doing this

Long term goals:
Life coaching business

[Did]

Having strong urges to ask wife to make plans or talk. But I haven’t. Noticed some others on the board are ready to be done at 5-6 months. I’m going on 15 months... and sometimes I feel so done with being in this middle ground.

She texted me last night and said her aunt ate edibles she was talking about it yesterday at party it was so funny. Like she was just trying to make conversation. She said I should have asked you to rub my neck when She was here with d4. I tried to validate. I know you’re afraid to say anything nice or be close... I understand and I’m not blaming or accusing. She thanked me for understanding. Talked about cuddling with dog etc.

I was nice but short and left the conversation on hope you feel better. Temp checks? Just ignore her? I hate this sht.

I really want to get to the point of dating and flirting and all that with wife.

But she has said she has to feel safe enough to let me be close. Can I even believe what she says? IC therapist always says believe her. . I was thinking next time we talk instead of her thinking of me as emotionally abusive in the past think that I needed to work on my own mental health.

I go away for a lacrosse tournament Thursday. Just be patient and gal with d4 until then. Don’t ask w for anything? Don’t call or FaceTime unless she’s reaches out... when she has d4 she FaceTimes 2x per day usually.

Even thinking about the neck rub thing... shaking my head. When she rubs my neck I’ll rub hers. I’m going to do a 180 and try to act like I don’t care about her.

[ovrrnbw]

Did,

thanks for asking about my sitch. Currently I'm in a valley but just check out my thread - I don't want to hijack yours.

Sounds like she is still dropping crumbs for you. Let them go my man, you eat steak. Not crumbs.

You can't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. So listen to her, just don't believe anything 100% until you see that consistent action over time with an attitude to match.

I wouldn't call her or anything unless you want her to think that you're feasting on the crumbs she is feeding you.

When you are done being in the middle ground, you will know it and you will take a strong action. When you're ready, you're ready. At that point you can give ultimatums and/or make it clear that you're moving on with or without her. That will force a decision. But only you can decide when and how to do it.

When you let go, like you did in the past, she came out and said she had feelings. Just don't get sucked in to the R talk unless she's all in. She loves temp-checking you, so 180 there.

[Davide]

Stay strong, Did. Do not reach out. Don't backslide into those old patterns. Reread Sandi's rules if you need to.

15 months is a long time (I feel like I am one of those people you referenced who is ready to throw in the towel on R after 5-6 months!), but everyone has their own timeline. When you are ready to make a move you will know it. Just do it from a place of strength, not emotion, not desperation. You are still clinging on to what she says and does and trying to read into her words and actions. Let it go.

[Did]

Quick update limited time but crazy change... pretty unsure of W here but we'll see.

Yesterday I drop d4 off to school wife there to see her. She starts talking to me. We end up talking for 90 min. Some major sexual content about her desires. Says she was who I wanted her to be in M. And she thought I would think shes disgusting for her fantasies. I said you need to be yourself and I your hot, I think its hot. Not going to get into too many details here but lets just say it was arousing.

During convo I mentioned other W being a good person. Mentioned voluntary support not having to pay anything. Different if we are dating and working to R or divorce and it being VS each other in divorce.

Also mentioned she is not sure if she wants more kids because she doesnt want to go through it all again. Wants to be happy travel have fun etc.

She thought sexual desires and kids may be dealbreaker for me.

Brief texts yesterday evening. Called her manipulative because its always just words and life is action. Finish convo with me saying Im done thinking about you, youll either make Sht happen or you wont.

830am text I wanna have sex now... I respond I was wondering if you were free while D4 is at school. So Im going to go over while D4 is at school...

Going to tell her to look good do your make up etc. Going to say some things to work towards connection emotional and not just physical first, just simply caring about each other, liking each other, forgiving each other for the pain we've caused and wanting an honest open relationship where we can connect based on communication and not just sex etc then treat it as just sex if it happens. Has to be good though, 15 months coming.

Whoa... guys remember women are all a little crazy sometimes you cant live with them cant live without them.

We'll see how this goes...