LH, you are taking everything out of context LOL! We were watching a movie when I rubbed her back because she was in serious pain...it wasn't me slowly dropping her bra straps and gently caressing her as I massaged her LOL! It wasn't the sensual moment you apparently think it was, it was for true pain relief LOL! As far as being in her bed, we were both puking bro...sick... hungover. So this also was not sexual thing. As I recall that's when she said that actually before I ever went in there...I was on her couch.
Yes, my remark was a bit egotistical I suppose but you know what? So what if it is? This woman walked out on me 4 years ago, with absolutely no warning, after almost two decades together! Now here she is, showing NOTHING except that she wants me back in her life and all you ever want from me is me to just bang her!! Screw that! She wants me, then she can come get me!!!! If she doesn't want me...then I will make her eventually want me. But I'm not going to chase her. Forget it. I don't need her for sex. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick her out of my bed for eating crackers, but it's not a top priority for me. What is a prirority of mine is to make DAMNED sure if we wind up in the sack, it's going to be via HER initiation, not mine. So that's it.
So yes, she doesn't like long periods of time without sex and I know she's not getting any, so I think she's getting sexually frustrated. That partnered with the fact that she habitually hangs out with me as she does, and that she is familiar with me, then yeah, I have a huge edge in the sex department. That's not meant as a measurement of some juvenile schoolyard talk of "How far did ya get with her?" or "What base did you make it to?"
Trust me, I know what I'm doing with her...she's doing exactly what I want her to do. She keeps initiating the contact, every single time, she keeps being forced to come out and ask for me to spend time with her because I never even contact her much less initiate meetings; basically she's clearly needed me in her life and she's slowly getting reattached. Early on when she first contacted me after years back in the Spring I wasn't sure how to proceed, how to not scare her off. Well the arrogance you sense is me now obviously and clearly seeing that she is doing anything but running away. She clearly needs me, my presence, my soul, in her life. Deep down she knows why too...so I let her do what she does and I do what I do. We could both date a half dozen people before we ever get back together but really, who cares? If you're happy every day you don't sweat a "mate." You let fate handle that. My life will lead me wherever I'm supposed to go...just like it delivered me from the bowels of hell when she first left me. Now I have the power, I don't really care what she ultimately does. I'd like to R, but if we don't we don't. It doesn't mean I can't be happy with some other girl who comes along.
Last edited by ItHurts; 09/21/1806:12 AM. Reason: typo
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
This woman walked out on me 4 years ago, with absolutely no warning, after almost two decades together! Now here she is, showing NOTHING except that she wants me back in her life and all you ever want from me is me to just bang her!
This is not true. I want to you you reconcile. I want to see you become her lover. I want you to give people here hope that what they believe is true. The grass is not greener on the other side.
The issue I have always had with you is your actions don't line up with your words. You act like you can take her or leave her but yet you are so scared she will rebuff you and you will lose her.
Listen we all have opinions on the matter. Personally I think you have watched one to many romcoms where you think she is magically going to fall in love with you if you keep being available to her and her friend.
I am more of a direct and to the point kind of guy. You never have to apologize for wanting a woman.
I'm in the middle. Not quite as direct as LH but not as passive as IH. I think this is the part in the cartoon where the little crab sings "Kiss dee girl!"
Last edited by Steve85; 09/21/1811:05 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi guys, Okay last night was nice. I picked her up and took her out to a fancy restaurant. We had a lot of fun. Afterwards when we got back to her place we talked in my car a bit. For whatever reason I just decided it was time to lay it down. The subject of R came up. She said she was planning on having the conversation with me about "the elephant in the room" and that it's good we're having it. Basically she said she'd be lying if she told me the thought of R hasn't crossed her mind a few times. She said we laugh hysterically together, she loves being with me, and she knows she wouldn't have to deal with the "bullshit" she's experienced with other men if she was with me. She said she knows that if she ever got back with me it would be full conmittment, she used the term "all in."
Then she went on to say what she had said many times before. That she is not dating anyone at all right now and really doesn't plan on it for awhile. She said she needs this time to live on her own. She again said see went from living with her parents, to living with me for nearly 20 years, to living with her friend in Florida...that she has never had the experience of living alone and that she needs to experience it. She mentioned that she's afraid she'd regress and fall back into her old habits with me. She also said that she needs to stand on her own. That for so many years see relied on me for support and that she needs to experience this independence. She said she's thought to herself about how much fun we have, and how much she enjoys spending time with me and that maybe we should just get back together. However she always ultimately decides that she needs to work on herself some more. She needs to be absolutely sure that things won't be as they were before. She said I definitely can't rule it out that we could reconcile. She said it was no coincidence that we had photo albums to exchange. She suggested that fate brought us together again. She's just not sure why yet. I told her that what happens if I get serious with someone else and have to cut off our reestablished contsct? She said that she'd miss me but she knew that this was all possibly just a flash in the pan. I then came out and said, " Yeah but you need me." Then I looked at her in the face and said "you need me" again. At this point she nudged my arm and laughed and said "yes I do you jerk" and laughed as if she made some confession she didn't want to make. I told her yeah it has been obvious to me. I told her her current flight pattern seems to be that she needs to see me at least once a month. She laughed almost embarrassed that I said it like that and she agreed.
As I suspected, she is afraid that all this self improvement she's done would be erased if we reconciled. I told her no, you would simply take that with you...that it isn't either a relationship or your identity. That both can, and should coexist. She said her and I are a complicated situation. She said that right now she doesn't want to be with any man. She wants to be alone. She again said it's not like I'm dating...I don't want to. She said she's not at all impressed with her past potential suitors. She said "I can't predict the future but I definitely can't rule out the possibility of reconciling at some point. She said there's times she wishes she had someone hut more often than not she doesn't.
She also mentioned that her Mom, obviously my ex MIL, was thrilled that I cam over for coffee and to fix her computer. He said "My mother wants to marry you now. She thinks you're great." I laughed and said it was really no big deal and that I've always loved her Mom to death. She mentioned she was hanging out with her Mom today. She said that she's not interested in anyone romantically right now and asked if I was serious with anyone. I answered her honestly and told her about the new gal I've been seeing but also was truthful and told her it's nothing serious as of yet. So we kind of jjust agreed to hang out conservatively as we do and see what happens. It's funny because she said a lot of the same things that I've said here to you guys and and I laughed inside to myself as she did. She's basically in the same place I am...where it's kind of just letting things go and seeing where we end up. Basically as long as neither of us is serious with someone else that what we're doing works. She again said she can't predict the future but she doesn't rule out R with me. She said let's just keep spending time together as we are and let fate lead us where it will.
So all in all I am happy the air is cleared and even happier that she thinks of things as I do in terms of just letting whatever is going to happen happen. Inside I'm thinking to myself that I also took a big step taking her out on a dinner date because now I can invite her to other fun events down the road.
I guess you can say that the status quo is this...neither of us sees any reason to not spend time together and seeing where it all leads. I'm fine with that and have been. She is too. So I guess all I can tell you all following this thread is that neither of us has any idea what's going to happen...we just know that R is not out of the question at some point for either one of us. Works for me.
(It's always hard to remember everything that was said when you spend several hours with someone but if I recall anything significant that was said that I missed I'll let you guys know.)
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
It's great to read your update. I'm happy to hear you and your ex-wife (potential future wife!) were able to talk openly and that you're both on the same page now. That is a great step forward. It all sounds positive!
Well Nicole, thank you but R is a longshot I think but it would be an appropriate ending for sure. I guess why I feel content with it now is that my life is like the complete opposite of what it was back when she dropped that bastard atom bomb on me a little over 4 years ago. Back then while DBing GAL seemed to me to be impossible. My situation, in my head then, was that of me saying to myself that other people can GAL but my situation is so tragic it's different. In fact, and I know this now, it wasn't. Everyone suffers that brutal and inhuman pain after a bomd drop. So it's like GAL was such an impossibility and obsessing about WAW was the only possibility. Now it's the total opposite. GAL is more of my focus than her. I just got new wheels, I'm collecting my toys and action figures again, I enjoy my job and work a lot, and am just living. WAW is an afterthought just as my other lady friends are. It's not a necessity to me. Whatever happens happens...the only stuff I can control is my own life and I'm happy doing that.
Oh and couple other things she said I forgot to mention was at one point she said she knows she'll never find anyone who loves her like I do. She also said she totally understands what I "meant" when I told her a few months ago that I will always believe she belonged with me. She said "you are right for so many different reasons. I totally get exactly what you mean when you say that."
She also brought up my manhood again. When talking about her displeasures with other men she got to penis size and looked at me and said ,"(My full name), you win that one hands down!"and she raised her hand to high five me. I'm sure I'll remember more stuff in the coming days
Last edited by ItHurts; 09/23/1805:07 AM. Reason: typo
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
i am glad you enjoyed your time together... i do see your situation differently than you and Nicole do... i am of the opinion that everything she said to you was predictable... noncommittal... it's easy to latch on to the idea that all the self-improvement would be undone--that's a great reason to be concerned about as far as having a relationship with you goes... she said all the things i would have said if i wanted to let someone down as gently as possible without actually saying it--because i have been gutless in these types of situations... it's like what i have often pointed out to hoosjim... words mean something... they matter... words that are spoken and words that are not spoken...
everything she said to you is why i think you really do need to move on... i believe that your chance at truly getting her back will not happen until you move on... at that point--when you have moved on, and she declares she wants you back--you would have a decision to make... but if you do enjoy hanging out with her, and you are in no hurry to have an exclusive relationship with anybody else, then--enjoy yourself for the time being... you just won't be moving toward to relationship with her--in my opinion...
Well Artista, it's probably not going to last now that we had the talk anyway because for me it was go places with her or nothing. Something other than hang at her house.
So I've already said before I am not hanging out with her at her place anymore, that's why I asked her to dinner this time...I am just not doing it. So my only option is to do things with her. But there's a problem right there. I most definitely won't be taking her out for a fancy dinner or spend money again. So it really leaves me no choice but to just stop seeing her. Perhaps next time she contacts me to hang out I'll just do something else. I've said before that I am kind of bored with her as it is now. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy her company insofar as we laugh and have a great time together...but if I'm taking a lady out to a fancy restaurant a second time...I'm getting something out of it So I might just stop seeing her. As crude as it sounds, I work all week and don't necessarily want one of my weekend nights to be wasted on her anymore. Bored with her is the only way I can describe how I feel. So I think it's going to be a longer time before I see her again.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
IH, glad you got all that out in the open but WOW, I thought she would be past being a WAW but now I'm not so sure. A lot of that sounds like the WAW stuff all over again. So now that you know you are Plan B while she "finds herself", how does that affect your approach with her moving forward? (EDIT- just read your most recent post and you already answered this!)
Just going to nick you on one minor point in the convo:
Quote
As I suspected, she is afraid that all this self improvement she's done would be erased if we reconciled. I told her no, you would simply take that with you...that it isn't either a relationship or your identity. That both can, and should coexist.
Don't respond like this, to her it looks like you are disagreeing with her feelings. Remember to validate. "Yes I can understand why you might feel that way and how it is affecting your outlook on us reconciling."
