Ovrrnbw, I'm a little late responding but yes if I were you I'd text her the correct number. I sympathize with you a lot and I feel sorry to hear you had to endure excessive beatings as a kid and that you felt you may have smacked your puppy too hard. There's so much to process right now. I'd say to do the best you can with your wife and work to stabilize yourself. This is a temporary hardship but you'll be ok once you relax a bit and clear your mind. You're a human being, not a machine! This is an extraordinarily difficult situation. If your wife gets into counseling hopefully that'll help her figure out what she's doing. It's easy for people here to tell you what to do but that's with only a tiny glimpse of your situation and life. You sound like you have good judgment. If it's not today or tomorrow you'll figure out the right thing to do soon. Take care!
I ended up giving her the correct number. I've been able to calm down a bit and think. I am changing my understanding on detachment. It's like a breakup. You don't continue to call your exgf, b/c you're done and what they are doing doesn't matter. Who they date isn't worth knowing, where they go isn't worth worrying about. And just not doing those things helps create that distance and let you focus on yourself.
That said, W is still calling and texting a lot. I haven't answered a call. I eventually called her back Tuesday and yesterday, but I didn't respond to any of her texts where she would stomp her feet about me not answering or responding quick enough or her saying thank you or telling me that she got her counseling set up. Then she called around 6 PM last night, I didn't answer but she was at home.
When I got home she says she "wants to talk" and I told her I couldn't right now and proceeded to do some stuff around the house. Then she cooked food, and talked to me while I was cleaning the kitchen. It was all about her, she's sad, I hate her. I validated mostly and asked why she thinks I hate her. I don't act, talk, or have an attitude towards her and I told her that. She said then "you just don't like me". I said, "You are a cheater, liar, and backstabber. Why would I like you?" And the tears flowed. She talked a little more and I asked "Why are you home?" She takes offense, but I really want to know or her to think about why she isn't with OM tonight. Maybe I shouldn't say that anymore.
Of course she wants to get in the MBR and asks if I want to watch a show together. Then she, probably trying, falls asleep and I wake her up to get her out of the MBR.
I had the opportunity to snoop on her phone this morning but I didn't. What's the point?
She wanted to talk last night and tell me about fun, exciting stuff. And I almost took the bait. I just told her she is getting ahead of herself and I'm not going to share things like that with her.
What I need to do: -don't let her in MBR -don't ask her "Why she is home"? (maybe) -don't snoop -kick her out (maybe?) -tell her I'm done with her (probably) -stay calm and think when talking to her
Thanks for the support everyone.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm very happy in which you had the chance to slip further but you caught yourself, got your bearings again, and started to move forward.
This is what this process is all about. Removing yourself from the toxic sitch, setting boundaries, and working the process to make sure that YOU yourself are taken care of.
She’s eating cake big time Ovr sorry. What do you mean she hit you? There’s no need to get physical no matter how emotionally distraught a person is. You are doing very well though I am impressed, she’s a complete whack job. I feel it’s time to start the real tough love. Hugs
Thanks Sia. I've realized that she is a "whack job". I hate the irony when I post on someone's sitch wtih such certainty, and still don't have that on my own sitch.
She hit me, I can't remember on the face or body, but it was just that. She was mad. It isn't my biggest thing but is an issue she needs to deal with.
Yes, I really need to toughen up. It's no fun coming home at night to an empty home, after that person has made you dinner and asked you talk. What is the point of all that crap when the Wayward Spouse won't be there for you? I don't see one.
Time to get tough indeed.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well, WW showed up yesterday and ruined my plans of couch surfing. We ended up (mostly) rebuilding the retaining wall which was good to get done with the hard part. I had thought about leaving when she got there, but ultimately was too lazy to get up. I made some dinner as it got dark. Set a plate out for her. She was all like "I didn't know if any was for me" when I told her to get a pork steak. So I pointed out the plate and fork/knife/napkin I put out for her.
I was super tired by the time I finished eating. W cleaned the dog and cleaned up dinner, for that I thanked her.
She got into bed with me to watch a show and I gave her a look and said "I'm going to bed." The implication being that she needed to get out. This is me being NGS. I need to just tell her, "hey, get out of this bed. We don't share a bed anymore. You chose someone else. Goodbye." Except in fewer words if possible. Then she wanted to talk and show me stuff. But I was tired as hell and didn't engage much.
And I just wish I would have capitalized on her big lie from a week ago and asked her to move out. I don't really want her to get out - duh, for all you guys following my sitch. But it would have been a good time to show what I won't put up with.
Advice or thoughts?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovr, this is all tough stuff. It is like the WW that wants to have sex. How do you say no? You know you want to have sex with her but turning her down might actually be the right move. It is so hard.
This is all part of the separation paradox as I refer to it now, which is those that live with their WAS during limbo hate it, and those that are separated from their WAS during limbo hate it. If those that were living with their WAS during limbo switched and were separated, they'd hate it. And vice-versa.
Bottom line is everyone hates limbo, no matter your living sitch. But limbo is the gift of time. Use it wisely. Make the most of it. Detach, GAL, 180. Be the spouse only a fool would leave. Then let her make the choice. That is what you want. You want her to choose. Whether it is for or against the MR, you want her to choose OR you will be back here in no time.
So stay the course. It is hard, but just keep DBing. And dolling out the excellent advice you've been giving to others.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ovr, just stopped by to say how impressed I am by the advice you have been giving so many other LBSs suffering here. I see so much strength in your words and how you are encouraging them on the right path. On behalf of all of them, thank you
