Yes at times my detachment goes well...but then she is a trigger for me and I’m working my best to manage.
My GAL activities include going to gym daily, meeting with my men’s group, working on home improvement projects, connecting with old and new friends...
Looking forward to weekend with S as he will be staring cub scouts and will earn his first merit badge.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
at times my detachment goes well...but then she is a trigger for me
Then detachment is not going well!! Detachment is when you no longer react emotionally to what she says or does. If she is still a trigger, then you are not detached.
Please go reread the detachment thread. I used to read that every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Have been busy in detaching,GAL, being present with S, growing my support/meeting new people. Looking at switching up my career to where I don’t have to travel so I can maintain custodial agreement. May take a significant salary hit, but I need to maintain the focus on S.
W has been reaching out for various things and trying to make excuse to come and “stop in” at marital home. My ability to trust anything she does is challenged to the core, as last time we talked unrelated to S, she had her attorney twist the conversation. Her MLC fog seems to be thickening as her actions at times have been just viscous, cold, and calculating.
It’s been 5 1/2 months since BD and her nastiness seems to get worse the further the drags out. Of course I want nothing more to get my MR and family back as a single unit, but I’ve been having moments to where I feel if we could ever get to a point where trust isn’t in question. I know I have to completely let her go if there’s a chance for any future relationship with her. If D in fact goes the distance, I can’t say I will be friends with her. Co parenting is a challenge right now....WAW continues to use S as a pawn to get what she wants, when she wants it. I know while in MLC they only focus on themselves and can somehow justify their actions.
Her actions are having a limited effect on me from what she can tell....but I do get hurt in the fact that the damages she’s caused impact S. I refuse to react like I did initially, stay calm, and patient. I know I don’t have any impact on how fast she goes through her journey, or if she ever will. Just continue to pray she finds her way in time and that I will be there to support her with love and forgiveness. Just keep the focus on me and be AMOAFWL.
Two steps forward, 3 steps backwards is how I feel...
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
I have picked up my career/job hunt significantly. Had 3 phone interviews and scheduled 2 FTF interviews for next week. Nieither get me too excited, but the interview practice will be helpful....and may need to take one just to keep afloat.
S attorney is a grade A deterrent and is challenging everything regarding child support. Since I was termed last month, I had to make a motion to modify temp orders as I have limited income. W actually challenged this, claiming since I’m “capable of making an income at $$xyz that I should continue to have to pay $xyz/month in child support. W makes 6 figure income, so I was shocked to see her trying to claim she would have difficulties supporting our S w/o that income. We split 50/50 and I incur the same expenses similar to her. Won’t concern myself with it, since it’s out of my control.
I made commitment to stand for mr as this progresses and I’m noticing a huge uptick in WAS behavior in her tantrum throwing as she doesn’t get her way and things aren’t going the way I believe she initially invisioned in being a single parent. As I haven’t made anything easy for D....I’ve put a stop to any and all cake eating. The lack of control she no longer has over me I know is grating at her. When she initially BD, she envisioned I would get a place across the street from her place so S could ride bikes too and from homes...thought we would go in family vacations to DisneyLand, etc. Craziness ...I am now sure it’s a full blown MLC.
Another item that I’ve put a stop to is communication with W aunt. Since BD, she had taken an interest in my recovery as she is also involved in AA. I initially welcomed the support and she would claim that she considered me family, etc. I even went to a meeting with her once. She claimed that she wouldn’t involve W in any way regarding our communication, but realize that blood is thicker than water. (Aunt is closest sibling to W father). As I reflect to now...I was doing so thinking it may be a way back into MR as crazy as that sounds. Anyone have similar experiences in dealing with spouses family members? We were all close, but need to separate church and state now.
I now will have my attorney fight my battle to keep my interests in check and let w dream of how things will be succumb to reality.
My sitch is starting to appear bleak on opportunity for R....but I remain patient, calm, and consistent.
Marathon not a sprint..
Progress not perfection.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
My sitch is starting to appear bleak on opportunity for R....but I remain patient, calm, and consistent.
Just told another poster this morning: "It always gets worse before it gets better."
The problem isn't how your WAS is interacting with you, the problem is the expectations you attach to it. "She is being nice, it means we are going to R!" "She is being mean it means we are going to D!"
Neither means what the above statements says it does. But as LBSs we attach those meanings to those actions.
Detachment says that you will remain consistent, no matter what the WAS says or does.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In Sandi's rules it says never give up no matter how dark someone's sitch may get. I'm having a really tough time with this as I still want to have hope.
But in having Hope....isn't that causing me to have expectations? I remain hopeful and lean on my faith strongly, but I feel as this is creating an expectation of an outcome.
I see a lot of posters who's situations turned around from the brink of D and have reconciled.
IRL I have connected with some folks who's marriages were crumbled only to be rectified over time. I do believe that god works through people and brings folks into your lives at key moments in life. Just crazy, last night I took an uber downtown and the lady who was driving and I struck up a conversation in which it led to talk about our MR's. I opened up about my sitch and she then reveals that her and her husband actually went through with a divorce several years back only to come back together 18 months after D. This is the 3rd such occurrence in which random strangers and I have connected only to discover their situations were able to be turned around and marriages are stronger for having gone through it.
All of this only stirs up more Hope for my situation.
How can one still have Hope....but without the expectations?
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Hope for the best and expect the worst! It applies to all areas of life. For example, seatbelts. You don't really head out thinking you'll get in a car wreck, but having the wrong expectation and not buckling up could cost you your life, so you buckle up.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
