When you are busy DBing and GAL a thought will creep into your head. "I don't deserve this. I am better than how he is treating me." It will come more and more. That will help you detach. I still love my wife but I see her evil actions for what they are. I think this will help not let her back so easy this time.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
Ya, Blu has made it really clear that theres NO point in asking why or trying to figure everything out. When her husband did come back, she said she asked him questions and she was rarely ever right in her thinking. Its torturous truly. I am working all day at my computer just thinking in the back of my head, why is he doing this or that. Is he planning on getting a house with this OW. Is he really not missing me at all? Is he pulling away so much because now SHE is who he wants to care for and protect and take care of? Will he love her, marry her, and have such a happy life with her that he will never regret any of this? How AWFUL would that be for me goodness. I have felt all along like he would regret this. I have handled this with my head held high, I have kept my dignity and grace for the MOST part, and for what? Really, for what? If hes just going to do what he wants to do and may end up in love and happier than ever in the end, then why did I keep myself so composed all this time when I could have easily handled it very differently.
I just question so many things. I know NOTHING about him and OW, but I know he has allowed for people in his new circle to be aware of it, and that alone is enough to make me sick. Im so afraid she will be this perfect woman for him and he will NEVER ever miss me and will be so happy about all these choices he has made.
Are these fears normal?Theyre killing me and I know I need to stop doing this to myself. It is just my mind takes over!
When you catch these thoughts controlling you. Imagine a stop sign. Tell the thoughts to stop. Practice this. Everytime you can. Gets easier the more you do it.
How many different "Voice" have conversations in your head? I used to argue with my X wife for hours in my head. Is that real??? It is crazy how our minds can take over.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Visualization can be helpful in combating intrusive or persistent thoughts for sure. The stop sign is a good option. Another one that I use is visualizing the thoughts as balloons that I observe and then release and let them float away. Often times I will physically squeeze the string in my hand and then open it to let the balloon go. It sounds sort of silly in written form, but I find it effective.
Whatever the method, finding a way to let go of those thoughts and interrupt the cycle is super helpful. Even now, I have thoughts pop up in my mind various times per day, but they don't stress me out nearly as much because I know I don't have to fall back into the cycle, that I can short-circuit it before it does me any real harm.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It truly is crazy how our minds take over. Im sitting here working and thinking to myself, if I drove by the bar right now, I bet I would see his car. Then I imagine him and OW sitting there drinking a beer, having just normal conversation like him and I used to do.
Something I find very unfair in this situation is that my husbands BD was when I was 5 months pregnant. So here we were, 6 months after buying a house, we were enjoying our lives, having fun, and also actively wanting to get pregnant. We found out we were pregnant June 22, 2017. We knew he had to leave for his new job in the beginning of July and the job was 9 months 4 hours away, so we planned he would come home every weekend and I would come visit, and we were fine with it. Even with the pregnancy, I was fine with it. I wish with ALL MY HEART I had told him no, stay here. We had a family vacation mid July with my family. He took a few trips with friends also that he wanted me to come to but I was so sick while pregnant I wasnt able to. Then 5 months in is bomb drop. Since BD, although we have had portions of time where we were actively supposed to be working on our relationship, we werent. We were just living back together and behaving as a couple, but we both knew how off it all was. He was still going back and forth to his job 4 hours away and I had no idea about OW.
Like ive said, when I found out about OW in December 2017, he immediately quit his job and I said I would stay with him. What I say is so unfair is that through all this I was pregnant. Our life not only changed drastically because of what he had done, it had changed drastically because I was pregnant. And he hadnt been here for a lot of that. He was enjoying his free time down there, at the bar, having fun like him and I would have been doing. When he came back and we tried to make it work, I was still VERY pregnant. I wasnt able to go do the things we would have normally been doing. He NEVER wanted to do anything with me. I would say to him, I can still come hang out. He never tried.
Then after the baby of course life changes. I feel like I was never given a shot bc in the midst of my entire life changing with a baby, my husband was running as far away from me as possible and he was going and doing the things we would normally do together, but with other people. Life changes when you have a baby, responsibilities become a little more important. Priorities shift. Both OW my husband has seen have children that are young, but not babies like ours. So the women are single and have a bit more freedom with their childs ages. Not once has he said, hey, keep the baby with your mom a little longer today, lets go grab a beer. Yet, even when living together, I would leave my moms house after work and see his car at the bar down the street. He seems to WANT to go have beers with these other women, hell they were both bartenders at these bars. But it just seems like he wants to go do all the things we did, but with someone else, not even thinking im STILL THE SAME PERSON I WAS before I got pregnant! We used to love just going and talking and playing darts and just being together. Now he wants to go have conversation with them, and NOT want to do any of that with me, as if im some bore now. And I know, thats what this is. This is a separation. Its happening BC he wants everything other than me. But im just been put in such a crappy sitch. Its like hes forgotten who I am because through all of this I wasnt my normal self. I was me, pregnant. Or me, new mom..I havent changed who I am, and I feel like he has made it like I have, Or at least thats how it makes me feel.
I dont know. In my head im just convincing myself he is just off every night having in depth conversation with OW, falling more and more for her like he used to for me when we would sit for hours and just talk about nothing.
I need to picture the stop sign. GOSH THIS IS HARD.
Well he is coming over to mow the lawn so I will stay with the baby and then I plan to leave when he is done and i havent decided what I will do.
Maybe go get a pedicure. Maybe the gym.
You stated earlier that you want to go NO CONTACT....if you still believe this would be a good choice, I highly recommend NOT BEING THERE while he mows the lawn.
When he shows up, Walk out the door looking smoking hot, hand him D, say "Something came up, I have to go"... get in the car and drive away.......
(The lawn does not have to be mowed tonight)
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I just question so many things. I know NOTHING about him and OW, but I know he has allowed for people in his new circle to be aware of it, and that alone is enough to make me sick.
Why would you want to know this? Every LBS ever thought they wanted to know......until they did. It will destroy you to know. If you think not knowing is hard, as someone that found out details of his W's interactions with her OM (both in the EA in 2005 and the one last year), trust me on this. And it just leads to other questions. Even more mind twisting questions.
Do yourself a favor and never want to know details of him and OW. Whether you stay together or go your separate ways, you do not want to know details.
Last edited by Steve85; 09/25/1808:05 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well he is coming over to mow the lawn so I will stay with the baby and then I plan to leave when he is done and i havent decided what I will do.
Maybe go get a pedicure. Maybe the gym.
You stated earlier that you want to go NO CONTACT....if you still believe this would be a good choice, I highly recommend NOT BEING THERE while he mows the lawn.
When he shows up, Walk out the door looking smoking hot, hand him D, say "Something came up, I have to go"... get in the car and drive away.......
(The lawn does not have to be mowed tonight)
Wow, this is pure genius.
And kech, trust us, if something came up for him tonight, you would never see him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
