don't underestimate your own self-worth. Your H does not realize your value. The best chance of him realizing it is if you totally remove yourself from him. Also sends a clear message that you don't approve of what is happening. More importantly, you don't want to give some of yourself to someone who is treating you and your M this way, do you?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you! I actually really enjoyed the lawn boy comment hahah. H would throw a fit. We both just pulled up to the house at the same time, which wasn’t part of my plan but he clearly took a long time getting here. Anyways, I got out of the car and got the baby’s car seat out and went to bring the trash cans up and he says to me “I got that”. I said it’s ok I’ve got it, as im walking it up. And he says, sternly, “I said I’ve got it”.... I literally looked at him, half laughed and said “and I said I’ve got it.”.... what he seems to forget is that he left here. He doesn’t get to swoop in and feel like the man of the house all the time. I’ve been taking up and down the trash twice a week for weeks now. Yes, I’m letting him mow the lawn, 1. Bc he seemed so hurt when I did it myself and 2. Bc our yard is huge and it’s a pain! But that doesn’t mean he gets to waltz in and take control as if he’s still tending to me and the baby and handling all the manly duties because he most absolutely is not!
I know this is petty. But it is something I would have backed down from a week ago and said “oh ok thank you!” And instead I’d like to show him I am handling sh*t on my own.
It’s funny you mention the alarm Blu. I can imagine that would drive my h crazy! He has talked about getting an alarm system in the house since the baby was born. He talks about it at least once every 2 weeks. I doubt it will ever happen.
He’s mowing the lawn now and as soon as he is done I will leave. Something I think I struggle with is how to pull away without coming off a little rude. When we both pulled up to the house at the same time, I was actually in my backseat getting the baby out when he pulled up. I looked right at him and didn’t say a word. Neither did he. I don’t want to be cold bc I know everyone says not to be. But I think I don’t really know how to act or respond when I’m trying to pull away from my nice girl syndrome.
Very true! When I left the house I said “alright I’ve got to go.” And I kind of just left. Again, I’m not trying to be rude, I just need to find my happy medium between treating him like he’s my friend, and treating him like a store clerk. I tend to be really nice and just talk to him as if he isn’t breaking my heart right now.
Even though I am strong around him, he does know I’m upset right? He thinks he’s fooling me and that I believe his denial of OW. He is insane. I hope he is aware he’s broken me and I’m CHOOSING to be strong amidst the bulls*it.
It’s a very weird feeling to be pulling away. I think that has a big amount to do with why I have felt so down. I’m pulling away, and he is also pulling away, and we’ve never really both done that at the same time. It is making me feel like I’ve truly lost him to OW. And when I pull away and I feel like I’m being short with him, I feel like he probably looks at me and being around me in a negative light. So then leaving to go see OW is such a relief for him I’m sure.
That’s how my mind works anyways. I plan to keep doing it, it’s just such an odd feeling for me. Almost like I’m just giving in to our relationship ending. And I feel like it’s just going to end because neither of us is really doing anything to stop it and we will just get further apart.
Does this make sense? Is this a normal feeling in DBing
That’s how my mind works anyways. I plan to keep doing it, it’s just such an odd feeling for me. Almost like I’m just giving in to our relationship ending. And I feel like it’s just going to end because neither of us is really doing anything to stop it and we will just get further apart.
Does this make sense? Is this a normal feeling in DBing
My MC describes the things you are doing (DBing) as "surrendering". By surrendering, you are accepting that the fate of your current R is up in the air. You accept that you cannot control your sitch, no matter how hard you try to make it so. You cannot convince him. You cannot change him. You have to surrender yourself to those facts. Where it ends up, only a higher power knows. By surrendering, you're not pursuing, and you're not withdrawing and going distant/cold. You just let go. You accept that you cannot control his actions.
By surrendering, you begin to accept the circumstances you can control. You control yourself. You yourself control your actions. You yourself control your happiness. You yourself control your confidence.
Embrace yourself. Love yourself. Love your child. Be a kickass kech. Be a kickass mother. Be a kickass friend. Be kickass.
Thank you Pain. I am surrendering. But wow it hurts. Rough morning, of course. When I returned home last night the baby was still awake, which she normally isnt. He told me she was all over the place, etc. I wasnt really saying much to him at all, so when I asked how she was he seemed excited to tell me. He then said,
"Im going to come by tomorrow and edge the yard and all that."....I dont think I even responded really or just nodded my head. It isnt his day to spend with daughter, so I guess he will probably just come do the work and leave. (if he even does) When he left he said bye nicely. He texted me a little after he left asking if this gray blanket he bought a while back was still here. I waited a while to respond and said "ya". He responded "ok" and then 5 minutes later said "Ill get it tomorrow"....I never responded. I dont really understand the point of the text. It makes me think he wants me to think hes sleeping in his truck or something and needs a blanket. I dont know. But it could be for ANYTHING, so of course it makes me wonder WHY he needs it and a million reasons come to mind. And he could have done that in person. Any text from him excites me in a way, so it almost frustrated me that ive been trying to get myself through this absolute hell and then one unnecessary text from him somehow gives me a weird hope. And I know thats not how I should think.
Having real issues with anxiousness today. Thinking of him not being my H, best friend, partner in everythingggg. It really makes me very anxious and have to catch my breath. It really is crazy how much I fall apart in private lately. Something has shifted so much. The days are really really tough
Try not to sweat the small stuff (the blanket). It is insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
Sadly, you have to put your hope on the shelf for now.
Have you ever heard the saying, "Slow is fast and fast is slow."?
Try to slow down. You both have a lot of work to do and it is going to take time. If we are patient, trust the process and do the work, it will help speed things up. If we rush through things, because the pain is unbearable, we miss details that need to be worked on. Then we have to circle back to address them. Of course this slows the process and causes more difficulty.
So try to slow down and take some deep breaths.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thank you. The blanket is definitely so insignificant, I just dont understand the point of the text. Sometimes I think he just wants to see if I will respond or something. Or maybe not and he truly just randomly wanted to know about some blanket!
My IC appointment got changed to tomorrow because my childcare fell through. I could not be more excited honestly. I know I will cry the entire time. And an hour will not feel long enough. But I know it will feel better. I will probably need to go weekly. I need this. I know when it is time to ask for help and I know right now I need help and that is ok. The anxiousness and sadness I feel over all of this feels like it did after BD. The 3 weeks he was gone after BD were the worst. And it is crazy because I look back at that time now and I think WOW, I had SO much power back then. how did I not see it? I had SOOO much power! All I would have had to do at that point is tell him he wasnt allowed to come back until he was ready to truly work on us, and he would have lost his mind. Instead I was so vulnerable, I was SO understanding, I told him to have his space, take his time, ill be strong. While I was at home pregnant, vomiting, so depressed from this. And now, a year later, I feel like I have lost all that power because over time I have let his love for me fade and he has come to see he could actually fall for Other Women, he has options. Now my power feels so small. And I feel as sad now as I did then, and I havent felt this sad in between because we were actually "together" for most of that time, he was just never fully in, never fully trying to work on us.
I get strength in thinking of what a good mom I am. I get strength in thinking I will just keep being a bomb a*s mom, single or not, and I will keep doing me, being me, and faking it till I make it. because behind doors, I break down.
I am trying to take deep breaths, be patient, trust the process. Thats what I need to do. And I do trust this, if not for my MR, at least for myself. The confidence wavers, I feel okay sometimes and feel so bad other times.
hahah. H would throw a fit. We both just pulled up to the house at the same time, which wasn’t part of my plan but he clearly took a long time getting here. Anyways, I got out of the car and got the baby’s car seat out and went to bring the trash cans up and he says to me “I got that”. I said it’s ok I’ve got it, as im walking it up. And he says, sternly, “I said I’ve got it”.... I literally looked at him, half laughed and said “and I said I’ve got it.”.... what he seems to forget is that he left here. He doesn’t get to swoop in and feel like the man of the house all the time. I’ve been taking up and down the trash twice a week for weeks now. Yes, I’m letting him mow the lawn, 1. Bc he seemed so hurt when I did it myself and 2. Bc our yard is huge and it’s a pain! But that doesn’t mean he gets to waltz in and take control as if he’s still tending to me and the baby and handling all the manly duties because he most absolutely is not!