Yes AS, this is why some people were reminding me awhile back that I'm not dealing with a WAW anymore and that I should stop DBing her. I had a sense from her all along that she was basically in the same place she was 4 years ago. Nothing has changed for her. I'm just bored senseless with her nownamd just don't really want to hang out anymore. So I'm not going to just vanish, but I am no longer engaging her beyond a sentence or two when she texts. I can't really see her again because as I said above, it occurred to me that my only choices now are hang out with her without going out...which isn't happening...or go out and spend money on her...which isn't happening either. So I have no choice but to avoid lengthy interactions with her. It sounds a bit mean but she's just not worth my time. it's just how I feel.
Of course I'll come back and post whenever there's an interaction with her but it's not going to be lengthy. I'm done with this crap with her...it's just stupid. She had her chance, I laid the chips on the table, and all I got was essentially the same conversation we had 4 years ago when she left. The only awesome difference between then and now is that I'm not bothered by it so intensely as I was then. I have total confidence she needs me in her life...she just needs to learn (apparently the hard way) that if she wants me in her life it's going to be on MY terms, which is the mutual goal of R. I am not accepting anything less anymore. I can seek a relationship elsewhere when I feel like being in one again. As they say in the homeland...ende finite...I am done with this crap.
Last edited by ItHurts; 09/25/1804:40 PM. Reason: typo
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
It Hurts, It's interesting to see the quick change in your mindset. Was it because of comments on this forum or just your own conclusion that this isn't going anywhere? It still seems like a good thing that you and your ex-wife had that talk. It helped you reach this point. It's still nice for the rest of us to hear what can happen years after a divorce. It also really sounds like your ex-wife enjoys your company. You do seem to have the upper hand now. I hope everything goes well from here on!
Well it was a combination of both Nicole, the thoughts presented here from posters as well as me taking a couple days to digest everything. So both things had a role in leading me to this decision. Yes, I too feel I have the upper hand here because I just know she wants me around. The problem is that she wants me around on her timeline...not mine. As long as that's the case and we're not moving towards R I'm just not at all interested in spending time with her anymore. But yes, I don't believe for a minute that she's going to go away...some time may pass, but she'll be wanting me to spend time with her again soon. I'm just not doing it anymore and if she gets to a point where she asks me why...I'll just tell her. If she doesn't ask then she can stew with her thoughts.
That's why I'm getting out while I do still have the upper hand to some degree insofar as I know she won't be happy not seeing me at all anymore. Maybe that will be the kick in the butt she needs to realize she's only going to get more of the same dating new men, that being her constant complaints that essentially say they are not me. She will never have what she had with me in terms of the things she complains about ( ie: all men our age look "old" to her, no man is endowed as I am, no man doesn't drink alcohol to some degree regularly, etc. These are the things she has repeatedly complained about and either directly or indirectly compared other men to me. So I think you are right in that I do have the upper hand here because if she's STILL comparing men to her ex of 4 years ago...that tells me loud and clear she has unresolved feelings. She will not find one like me and I know it and I think she knows it. However she's on her own now because I am done. She knows where I'm coming from now and can do with that knowledge whatever she wants. I'm just keepin'on keepin' on Nicole.
Last edited by ItHurts; 09/25/1805:34 PM. Reason: typo
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you think you have the upper hand. As AS stated after fours years you are still plan B. But that I guess is for another time.
First thing I want to comment on is her comparing you to other men is completely normal. Heck now that I am dating again I am comparing women to my ex, other girlfriends, heck even my GF from high school.
On this site we always talk about actions vs words. Your actions do not match your words. You keep on talking about how you can take her or leave her, that you won't stand for just being friends yet you keep doing the same thing. You think going out to dinner as friends is any different then hanging out at her house as friends. Its the same thing! You can put lipstick on a pig but it is still a pig.
One thing I have learned over the last few years is you don't get what you deserve in life, you get what you negotiate. But to get what you want you have to be willing to walk away from terms that are not acceptable to you.
If you would of communicated to her her early on through actions (making a move) you would have known where you stood. Then you could have communicated to her in a loving matter that you are not interested in just being friends with her. Then if she said "that's all I am interested right now is a friendship" then you could have said "that doesn't work for me, I can't be just friends with you, call me if you change your mind". Then walked and never looked backed.
Then if she contacts you then you know it is to be more because you clearly stated what you wanted and what was acceptable to you. Your terms non-negotiable.
Now if you ignore her she is going think you are butt hurt because she rejected you again.
Look man I know its not easy and you were getting a lot of different advice on here but I truly believed you had a chance early on. Still do, just going to be a lot harder now.
Well that's just it LH...the contradictory advice that we've all talked about throughout this thread. A couple were saying to NOT hang out with her at her place...instead go out and do something. So that's what I did. It blew up in my face. The time before that when she needed money I only stopped by and dropped it off and left. So when I say I can take her or leave her...I mean it. I didn't think of the last two encounters as the "same thing" at all. I asked her out somewhere this time...and it will be the last time. Now as far as me having a chance at R, I'm not sure how you think I still have a chance at all. As far as I'm concerned I don't...so I'm done. I just don't see any chance so I don't want to bother with her anymore. I'm not going to ignore her for the very reason you cite, I am just not talking with her at length anymore and certainly not meeting up with her again. I'm sticking a fork in this one because it's done. I'm not wasting another weekend night on her for nothing other than to satisfy her needs. Screw that. So yeah, you or anyone else doesn't have to believe me....but I really am not bothered either way. Either she chases me or she can go whistle dixie. This boy is finished, done LOL!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Yeah I think the plan would be to be short with your responses. No more meet ups.
She will eventually ask you whats wrong. Then state what you want and if she can't give it to you then ask her to only contact you if she changes her mind.
Perfect plan in every way and I love it. Exactly what I was thinking.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Well that's just it LH...the contradictory advice that we've all talked about throughout this thread. A couple were saying to NOT hang out with her at her place...instead go out and do something. So that's what I did. It blew up in my face.
I don't think it blew up at all, it gave you some great clarity and now you have a course of action! No more hanging on in limbo wondering where things are going. I don't think you knew what you wanted before but at least now you know what you DON'T want- this senseless friendzone corner she's shoved you into.
Originally Posted by ItHurts
Now as far as me having a chance at R, I'm not sure how you think I still have a chance at all. As far as I'm concerned I don't...so I'm done. I just don't see any chance so I don't want to bother with her anymore. I'm not going to ignore her for the very reason you cite, I am just not talking with her at length anymore and certainly not meeting up with her again. I'm sticking a fork in this one because it's done. I'm not wasting another weekend night on her for nothing other than to satisfy her needs. Screw that. So yeah, you or anyone else doesn't have to believe me....but I really am not bothered either way. Either she chases me or she can go whistle dixie. This boy is finished, done LOL!
I'm all for that. Focus your efforts where they will be rewarded! If she chases you later then you can figure out whether to cross that bridge or toss a bomb on it, but until then you just keep doing you.
I feel like I have to give everyone else here a 2x4...
It is a successful DBer insomuch that he has done everything he's needed to do to thrive post BD.
He's gone out and GALd and he's living his best life. He's become someone only a fool would leave.
It doesn't matter to him one iota whether or not he and EX reconcile because HE's done the work HE's needed to do to to feel good about where he's at.
SO all the garbage about him "still being plan B" needs to stop. It's very clear to me that she's his "plan B," which is how it should be.
All of us should be careful about stepping back into an R where things clearly were not working without being very sure that our XSO has made some real changes to who they are. We preach living your best life; that's what GAL is.
on another note -and you can tell me if I/m wrong, IT- it really feels like there were ppl on this board who pushed you to confront XW into R talk.
It doesn't matter whether BD was a week ago or 4 years ago, when has bringing up an R talk ever been sound advice? The answer is never, Carol. N-E-V-E-R!
Some of you guys were so thirsty for a success story that you were actually giving advice counter to some very clear DB rules!
You do You, IT. It was working before and it will work again.
